Thank you, wise women.

This is how I felt this morning towards all of you beautiful ladies, as I read my comments from yesterday's post. I was in such a slump, even after a good night's sleep, but your words managed to pull me out of my melancholy state and into a lighter, brighter, happier place. Even now, I'm still beaming away as I re-read the supportive, encouraging, kind and loving words you girls string together so beautifully. I am amazed at just how much this blogging community has helped me - I have you all to thank for my happier state.

Well, the ever so lovely Tatianna and Hannah  tagged me to share 7 random facts about myself! So here goes.

Numero Uno: I cried when I found out the Easter Bunny wasn't real! But I didn't cry when I found out Santa wasn't the one delivering my Christmas presents...
Two: I chipped my front tooth (adult tooth... Ugh!) when I fell over in the bath when I was about 10.
Three: I have 5 birth marks dispersed over my body.
Four: My eyes change colour with my mood.
Five: I have a big freckle on my left cheek that is in exactly the same place on my right cheek.
Six: I passed English in Year 8 even though I didn't hand in one assignment... Yeah, we had a bad teacher.
Seven: I, like Tatianna, went through a phase of listening to heavy/black metal... But I have recovered!

I tag anyone who hasn't been tagged yet - though I'm sure you all have by now! 

I've come to realize that I am in control of my health. My dietitian can recommend what I should have, my parents can tell me to eat or whatnot, but it's down to me whether I choose to jump on the recovery band-wagon or not. The thing is, ED is still such a prominent part of my thinking, that it becomes hard to make a final decision. Decision making has never been a talent of mine, and now that has just been magnified. I want more than anything to see the light at the end of the tunnel and walk into it, but ED's version looks so much simpler and easier. Walking to that light, into health, is a long and hard trek. Eleanor is willing to battle through those hardships, but ED isn't. And because ED is such a convincing part of my mind, he sometimes wins me over.
The answer is right in front of me, but there's a glass wall in front of me, preventing me from going on. I know I'm the one that put it there in the first place, but it's become so hard, almost too hard, to break down. To fully recover, I have to commit to recovery. And I haven't committed yet. Every day is a battle, and every mouthful is a task.
The loss in my weight has confused me, because I'm feeling my body changing. I'm fitting into clothes tighter, I'm seeing parts of my body grow bigger. And I'm not okay with that. Well, ED isn't okay with that. I know that what I'm seeing in the mirror isn't me - it's not what everyone else sees. But I'm convinced that it is. I've convinced myself that the shape I am now is okay. I don't know, maybe it is... But my BMI is telling me otherwise.

I don't know anything for certain, and that uncertainty scares me. Being scared is such a horrible feeling, and those fears, I know in my heart of hearts, are irrational.
FEAR, as my dear friend who shares my name ;) said, stands for:
False Expectations Appearing Real.
I cannot elaborate on that, as it is just so... Obvious. The irrational things we fear, are just that. Irrational. We expect these things to be scary, we convince ourselves that they are, therefore they become real. But only real in our own minds. In reality, these things aren't scary. A false accusation, almost. Thank you, dear Eleanor, for sharing that. It's been in my mind for the whole day, and it couldn't be more relevant right now. I fear the weight gain. But is weight gain bad? No! No. "Gaining weight" doesn't mean "gaining fat", as ED has convinced me. "Gaining weight" means gaining health.

And that is what I'm going to do. I may not have fully committed to recovery just yet, but I know that it will come. Eleanor is screaming to be released, and she will be, in good time. In a time soon to come.

Thank you, O' Wise Women, for your insight, support, and inspiration. You all have it in you to beat the ED that has locked the real you away. It is you that has the key, and soon enough, you will find it, and step out into the bright world, where life is waiting for you.

♡ ♡ ♡

Love, love, love.

Too much.

I could say that my appointment went well, that I'd put on weight and ED didn't kick up a fuss, that I got a lot out of it and laughed and smiled and talked about important things. But I would be lying.
I got on the scales, and watched the numbers tick. Fast, slow, fast, slow, making up its mind. I was trying not to fidget as the screen blurred. The numbers settled, and my heart leaped into my throat as my stomach dropped. "Oh, you've lost weight."
ED screamed in joy, Eleanor screamed in agony. She knew what was coming.
But not a sound came out of my mouth. I was silent. "What do you think about that?" says the Nutritionist in that expecting sort of tone, the one all specialists have. You know, the tone that comes with someone whose eyebrows are arched. "I... Don't know." I managed to say. Because I truly, truly didn't know what to think of that. I was almost too scared to speak. Then the nutritionist said the words I've been dreading to hear. "We're going to have to up your supplement drinks." That's when the tears started. That's when ED came into full blossom. "No. I'm not having more. I'm not." My eyes were full of tears, and I couldn't look at anyone. "I'm afraid you have no choice, Eleanor. You've lost weight." "I'm not having more." It went on like that for a while, and that stupid woman was joking with my Mum, laughing. I've never wanted to run away in my life more than I did then. The feeling of anger was so overwhelming. I couldn't speak. I wouldn't speak. I was so furious. Just... So furious.
She gave Mum a few sachets of this other supplement drink, which just furthered my anger. Then I went outside so Mum could talk to her in private. I didn't htink this was fair. I mean... It's me they're talking about so I should be able to know what they're speaking about. Knowing Mum she was probably getting tips on how to sneak more calories into my food.
On the walk home, I started crying again. I told Mum that I wasn't doing it. I was not having more of that supplement. "You can't make me, she can't make me, so I'm not." ED was taking advantage of the situation. When I got home, I broke down completely. I started sobbing uncontrollably in the kitchen, and just melted onto the floor. That's when I heard Mum and Dad talking about me. Apparently. Karen suggested to Mum that I could be making myself throw up my food in an attempt to lose weight. Now, of all things she could've said, she said that. And Mum, I think, believes her. It did more than make me angry. It hurt. It honestly hurt me.
I don't... I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm so confused. ED isn't letting me have a break. He's been in my ear all day, telling me ways I could cheat, work my way around things, so I don't gain weight. Telling me I'll get fat, I'll be ugly, huge, disgusting. I don't know where Eleanor is at the moment. She's definitely not at the forefront of my mind right now.

I really am sorry I'm so negative at the moment. I just... I needed to let it out. I still need to let it out. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm worried. I'm a mess. I'm confused. So, so confused.

Thank you so much for your support. It overwhelmed me this morning. I needed all the encouragement I could get before my nutritionist appointment, and I broke into smiles. Smiles I needed. I tried to keep your beautiful words in my mind when I was there, and I've read them over and over once I'd calmed down enough. I can't say how much I appreciate you all. Nothing I say would do you all justice. So I give you my love.

Tomorrow's a new day.

Love, love, love.

Surprise.

I did something last night I never thought I would do. I surprised myself! So many emotions, thoughts, feelings were going through my head before, during and after. I didn't know whether to smile, cry, be ashamed, be proud, regret, celebrate.
Okay, so last night, I was sitting on the computer, and I was thinking. I was thinking about Saturday (tomorrow) morning's Nutritionist appointment - have I gained, have I lost, have I maintaned? And a thought came into my head: if I haven't gained, she's going to make me eat more, and I'm not going to like it. So I did something odd.
I looked at the clock, and it was 9:10pm. Alright, whatever. I got up, I walked to the kitchen. I opened the fridge. I looked at the peanut butter. I looked at the time again. 9:11pm - one hour and 11 minutes after ED lets me eat anything. I looked at the peanut butter again. I opened the cutlery draw. I got out a spoon. I opened the peanut butter jar and I scooped out a spoonful of peanut butter. I put it in my mouth. I chewed. I swallowed.
...

AND I'M STILL ALIVE.

And you know what was even weirder? This morning, I was half way through my oatmeal, when I got up and put a spoonful of peanut butter in. An extra!? I didn't know what had come over me. It was an impulse thing. To be honest, I still don't know what I should be feeling. ED's been going a little crazy, but I've been trying to ignore him. I'm dreading the scales tomorrow. For the past two weeks I've been dreading stepping up onto that cold, hard piece of metal and seeing the numbers tick up up up, until they stop flicking and settle. I'm scared of what that settled number will be. I'm scared of the outcome. I'm scared of gaining weight because ED will go crazy. I'm scared of losing weight because my Nutritionist might jack up my meal plan. And I wouldn't/couldn't handle eating more, or having another supplement drink on top of the ones I'm already consuming. To be honest, my mind is everywhere all at once, but also nowhere, at the same time. I keep asking questions, then drawing blanks. There's no answer to my questions because they're all about the future, which is undetermined.
I regret having the peanut butter, but I'm also proud. Actually... ED regrets me having the peanut butter, and Eleanor is proud. It's still so incredibly hard separating me from my monster, but I'm getting there. The things worth doing in life aren't easy, afterall.

As much as I want to be confident, I am not ready for tomorrow. I don't feel like I can face tomorrow. Regardless of the outcome, ED is going to have a reaction which will just make me feel bad about myself. My situation is like a double-edged blade, in some ways. No matter which way I hold it I get hurt.
Some days I want recovery so much - I want to be happy and healthy and not have to be hawked over by my parents, dietitian and psychologist. But other days I want to hold onto ED, because he's there for me when I need him - a security blanket.
But tomorrow is a new day. Today is what I should be concentrating on. I should be making the most of today and worrying about tomorrow when I'm actually there.

Until tomorrow, ladies.

Be who you are, and nothing less,
because who you are is beautiful.

Love, love, love.

Monster.

Remember when you were a kid, and you were convinced that there was a monster living under your bed? And no matter how many times your mum or dad looked under your bed and said "See? No monster here!" you sincerely believed you could hear it, and almost feel it lurking, waiting for a limb to dangle down past the safety of the matress to grab hold of you and pull you under. That monster kept you awake at night, because you feared that if you fell asleep, or if you dared peek out from under your blankets, it would eat you. But to save yourself, you ran to your parents bedroom and hid in the comfort of their bed. You were protected. You could run from that monster, and it couldn't follow you.
I have my very own monster. But not the monster that lives under your bed. My very own monster lives inside my head. Unlike when I was young and could run away, this monster follows me. Day and night, it's always there. Following me, haunting me, scaring me, hurting me.
I wish my monster lived under my bed, so I could run away and hide from its evil. My monster knows all my thoughts, all my fears, all my feelings. My monster envelopes my every thought.

This monster, it lurks in the back of my mind,
waiting for an opportune moment to grab me and pull me under.
Just like the bed-monster waiting for a stray limb.
My monster, however, doesn't go away.
My monster is with me, every day.
I can't run, I can't hide, I can't turn on a light,
It's with me, always, every day and every night.

My mind's been all over the place lately. The holidays are here now, and I've found myself at a loss for what to do. I feel like I don't have any purpose, almost like I have no reason or nothing to get up for in the morning. I wake up dreading the day ahead of me. I know that when I get out of bed, my breakfast is waiting for me. I'm still scared of food, and I know that's not rational. A fear of food? What kind of lunatic is afraid of food? I'm absolutely terrified of my dietitian appointment on Saturday morning, and that's a full 3 days away. After that, I don't see her for at least a month over the Christmas break... I'm scared that she's going to keep me on the same meal plan and that when I get weighed next I'm going to be at a huge weight.
Fears. Scared. Weight. Food. Fat. Sizes. Numbers.
Such... Trivial things, such unimportant things. And that's what's swamping my mind.

I feel like my parents are doing the recovery for me, and I'm just being dragged along on a rope behind them. My heart isn't in it. ED keeps telling me I don'tneed to get better or don't deserve to get better. That I'm not even sick enough to have to get better. It's really just too much.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am for being such a downer! I really want to turn this all around, and start seeing it in a new light, a positive light. Instead of this horrible "you'll get fat" blasphemy ED's been pulling on me for the past year.

Hopefully things start to turn around soon enough.

I know I have to take each day as it comes. There's no point in worrying about tomorrow when I still have to get through today. One small step after the other. No giant leaps.

When I get my head around things, my posts will start making more sense, I promise! I've been reading your blogs every day, and they've really helped me come to terms with everything. I just need to come to terms with myself and my situation. Thank you, all of you, for the amazing support and kind words. They help me get through my days. They scare away my monster.

Love, love, love.

Words.

I wrote a poem today, that I really wanted to share with you all. I thought you might appreciate it.

ED is a liar, a monster, corrupt,
A liar, abuser, a cold-hearted fuck.
Ed is a murderer, a reaper of lives,
In the end ED will ensure there's no chance you'll survive.
ED will taunt and tease, make you weak,
Wear down at your bones, hollow your cheeks.
ED will convince you right is wrong,
Confuse your mind of what you knew all along.
ED wil convince you wrong is right,
Takes advantage of weakness, blurs your insight.
ED preys on weakness, feeds of your fears,
Those fears ED created that bring you to tears.
ED sucks at your life, robs you of you,
Your identity is ED now, and ED is you.
ED poles you, pinches you, rips and tears at your skin,
Makes you loath and despise the body you're in.
ED wont let you believe that your life is your own,
Your life is EDs now, your mind is EDs home.
ED tells you, promises you, you'll be a beauty,
As long as the mirror doesn't show you what they see.
ED tells you they will only make you fat,
If you listen to ED, you'll be the opposite of that.
ED inhibits your mind, your soul, your heart,
Turns them to dust, rips them apart.
ED steals your mind, your heart and your soul,
And in its place, a huge, gaping hole.
ED wants to believe you're nothing, alone.
But ED will give you friendship, someone to call your own.
EDs love is hate, EDS fears are what you need,
Health, happiness, a mind that is free.
ED will always be there unless you step in,
Accept the elp, learn to fight, and WIN.
ED is a thief, a monster, corrupt,
But ED will disappear, when you say "Enough is enough".

I hope you girls get something from this. I just really thought I should share with you what's been on my mind lately - this doesn't sum it up completely, but the general idea is there.

I might post later on today, but if not...
Remeber that you are worth fighting for.

love, love, love.
♥ ♥ ♥

Tears and Fears.

I honestly don't think I'm able to cry any more tears. I've been a royal mess all darn week, and today's Dietitian appointment was just mental/psychological/emotional overload. I was sobbing! I can't remember the last time I sobbed. My brain has seriously begun to fry, from the constant numbers in my head, the constant putting-on-weight fear, and I didn't even get weighed this week. I've been freaking out of my mind, as I near the weight I've been dreading for such a long time. It would be nice to actually do what my parents, Therpaist and Dietitian say: "Just don't worry about your weight". Now, if it was that easy, I'd be as free as a bird right now, with no disordered thoughts, no disordered & distorted visions of myself, no ED full stop!
I feel like I'm saying the same things, over and over. I'm not coming to any amazing revelations, I haven't had an epiphany of any sort. I'm going round and round in circles and it's starting to become even more exhausting than it origionally was.

This constant battle between good and bad, it's driving me insane - not just me, though. My parents, too. I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting them. I hate having that sort of... Power. It's negative power, destructive power.
That's what ED is. A destruction. The attatchment I've formed with this monster is so much more than unhealthy. Those tears I've been crying, some were wasted on ED. The thought of losing ED scares me. But why should it? Why should ridding myself of the thing that's eating (hah, pun?) away at my body as well as my mind be something to fear? I don't understand it, but that's because ED wont let me understand it. As soon as a positive thought comes into my head, just as quickly a negative, ED thought comes in and takes over. Whether that be guilt of eating, the reflection I see - and loathe - in the mirror... Anything, as long as it makes me miserable. I'm sick to death of this torment, but I'm not letting myself let go.

Some days are much better than others, but I've been struggling so much this past week. I'm honestly trying to keep my head out of the bottomless pit of negativity, but it seems to sometimes get the better of me and drag me down. We're so vulnerable.
We need to be aware of our thoughts, at all times. The minute an ED thought seeps in... Pounce on it and rip it to shreads.
I'm challenging myself this week. I'm going to try and get on top of these thoughts... About my weight, my body image, my food intake, everything. I'm really going to try and stop ED from dragging me down. I'm entitled to being happy. It's my life and it's about time I had control of it again!

I love you all, and I can't thank you enough for your kind words of support.
Stay strong, stay focused, stay positive.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt

♥ ♥ ♥ 

Love, love, love.

Things are Wild.

I wish I could sum up these past few days in words. But I'm pretty sure the words I'd use haven't been invented yet. This whole week, I've been struggling; struggling a whole lot more than I've let my parents, or anyone, know. This fixation on "not going over XX amount of weight" has been getting to me so much more than I thought it would; numbers and weights and amounts have been consuming my thoughts. My Therapist appointment yesterday went just like I thought it would. I told her about my fear of going over this weight, and she asked me what difference one kilo would make, and I couldn't answer, because I honestly didn't know. And I still don't know. ED was grasping at straws the whole time I was with her, trying to make excuses, trying to tell me that what she was saying was stupid and unimportant, and that she doens't really care, she's just saying these things because she has to. I've been trying to convince myself all week that no one is trying to make me fat or GOING to make me fat, they jus want me healthy, so I can be happy. But ED seems to think that where I am now is healthy. I'm fine here, and if I get any heavier I'll be "fat", just like that.

I broke down last night while talking to my parents. They keep telling me that I just "shouldn't worry" about the weight. SHOULDNT WORRY? Do you think if it was that easy that I WOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT IT?! I know I know I know they're only trying to make me see what's right instead of turnign to EDs thoughts and convictions, but it's almost like they're insensitive to how hard it is to just not worry. I don't want to worry, and I wish I didn't have to worry, but as soon as this scary number jumps up at me I just freak out and want to hide. Hiding... That means crawling into the safety of EDs arms.
Silly little me, I can't see that EDs arms are claws; claws that scratch and rip and dig and cut and bruise and scar. Prettying things over, that's what ED's doing. Thigns aren't pretty. Things really aren't pretty. I just wish I could convince myself of that.

Last night, as I lay on my bed feeling sory for myself (ED, not me), I looked up at my wall that's full of drawings, letters, and photographs. One drawing was a picture I drew last year, and I hadn't really thought much of it before... Until last night.

It dawned on me, just how relevant this picture is to the way I'm feeling now, and the way I've been feeling since about that time last year. I hadn't ever realized the significance of this picture. She's on the dark side, th bad side... Being wrapped around and swallowed up by this dark mass. Yet she can see the "other" side, the bright side, the happy side. She looks up at that, and knows it is real, knows it exists. But this darkness that's taking over her... It's stopping her from reaching the other, better side.

I really wanted to share this with all of you. I'm not an artist by any means, (this is as far as my artistic-self goes) but usually when I draw, it ends up being something significant, only I never realize it at first. Funny how that works, eh.

I wish I knew where I was right now. Part of me wants to cross that imaginary line to health and happiness, and the other part of me wants to stay in this enveloped darkness, the false sense of security. I don't like where I am, wherever I am. I want to find myself. I want to find Eleanor again, because I know she's there somewhere. I miss her... She was pretty cute.

OH! I forgot to mention... I FINISHED ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS! and I got A's for all of them! God, you have no idea how surprised I was when I saw those marks! My English teacher must be whack.. Hah, or maybe I just beat myself up too much. The latter, I think. But I was so happy with it. It really made my day a lot better than it could have been.
I've been really pissy with my Dad lately, and he sort of ruined my mood when I came home and told him about my score. Don't ask me how, too confusing. But he's been really up in my face lately, a real hypocrite and just... Not someone I want to be around. I'm getting really sick of him. I knew it was coming, and I've dreaded it, but I don't know what to do about it.

Would you look at that. I just managed to turn a real positive into a negative. Sporadic changes in mood... They're killing me.
But to go back onto a positive note, I'm seeing Where The Wild Things Are tonight with my Mother Dearest, which should be great! I loved the book as a kid, and I have a feeling this movie is going to release the Wild Thing within me, at least for tonight, anyway.

Thank you, as always, for your support and kind words. Without them I wouldn't be where I am right now. So thank you, lovely ladies, for without you I just wouldn't know what to do!

♥ ♥ ♥

Love, love, love.