Advice Greatly Sought.

Sleepless nights: constantly tossing and turning as a way to ignore the mind that refuses to shut itself off and give itself peace and quiet after long days of fighting, discussing, stressing, crying and decision-making.
The thoughts never stop.

***

I’m not running on much, anymore. I slipped and fell and I haven’t been able to pick myself up, nor have I allowed anyone else to help me up and dust me off. So now I have been lead to this:
I am going away to IP. 

I am terrified. And that’s why I need advice. I need advice, support, help, anything. I need girls with experience of IP to tell me what it’s like, what they’ve been through, what to expect. I know each and every treatment centre is completely different, but I just need some sort of heads-up.

I’ll be in an adult ward now, seeing as I’m the big “18”. 

The people at this particular clinic haven’t given us any real, solid information. I have no idea how long I’ll be there for, how much weight I’m going to gain, what sort of therapy I’ll be getting… I don’t know if I’ll be able to discharge myself because I’m 18, either. So really, I’m going into this completely clueless and I am terrified.

Mind you, I don’t actually know when I’m going away. Not even that is certain.

My head is in the clouds, I am in a complete daze – everything around me is in slow-motion. I’m losing track of everything. School, friends, my boyfriend, my life. And that’s why I need this. That’s why I need to go away.

That’s why I need your help.

I would honestly appreciate ANYTHING you have to tell me.

Thank you. So much.

Lost, Dazed, Confused.

How is it possible to express emotion when you have been paralysed by numbness?
How is it possible to explain the current situation when all you want to do is escape it?

I’m lost. Oh, so lost. But I am not particularly sure that I want to be found either, which is the most dangerous and worrying part of all.

I still feel the rational side of me, I still hear her, screaming in the background to “GET UP GET UP GET UP” before it’s too late. However, I think it may already be too late. I may already have fallen too hard and fast for it to be possible to get up. The confusion is overwhelming. I don’t know which way to turn, who to turn to, where I should be, who I should be, what I should be thinking, how I should be acting… It’s endless:
A maze of confused thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I don’t want to accept help. The monstrous voice inside, the demon, the dark cloud, the black-cloaked figure with its skeletal fingers outstretched, scraping fingernails down my back; it wants me to fall.
But if I fall, I have too much to lose.

I’m being threatened with hospitalisation, yet again. The third time ‘round. This time, however, would be different. I wouldn’t be in the “Child’s Ward”; no, I’d be in a proper unit, with proper treatment. Part of me knows that is a really good thing, and another part of me is terrified, as is to be expected. 

There are positives to it (and the Eating Disorder is kicking and screaming at that admission) but there are also a whole range of negatives, and I can’t seem to weigh them out properly.

I don’t know what to do.

I am lost, I am scared, I am confused.
I wish I could be anywhere but here.

A Celebration.

Today is the day of
my 18th year. 

Eighteen years of existing.

Eighteen years of exploring the world.

Eighteen years of discovering who I am, and what that means.

Eighteen years of being Eleanor. Whoever she is, and whatever that means.

* * * 

Quick:
catch the memories like butterflies before they wither and fade.
If carefully preserved, beautiful they will stay.

Caught in the Golden Web of Time, a victim of change.
Yet life continues on, being written page after page.