Family Ties.

Just as a forewarning, this post is going to be quite emotional, disorganised and desperate cry out for help, advice and support. I apologise in advance for those brave enough to read through the thoughts swimming through the pools of my mind, but at the moment blogging is the only outlet I have and the only thing I can firmly hold on to.

***

What does one do when their rock, their foundation upon which they have built themselves, begins to crumble?
What does one do when the most important person in their life beings to spiral out of control, and become a negative influence?

What does one do when their mother, their best friend, their true life-partner, starts to walk down the same path that they themselves walked down?
What does one do when their mother starts to use the same excuses that they themselves once used?
What does one do when their role-model presents them with the temptation to go back down that path they once walked, the path that they are trying to walk away from?

What do I do when I see my mother losing kilo after kilo, seeing bone after bone appearing, skipping meal after meal and refusing to give in to her obvious signs of hunger? What do I do? How do I deal with this situation? How do I look after her? How do I convince her to change her ways before it becomes too late?

* * *

I am sorry for all of the questions. I am trying my hardest to answer these questions for myself but I keep drawing up blank and empty. Watching my mother drain herself of life is draining me of the willpower I somehow mustered up to getting myself back on track. When I see Mum heading off the tracks, I can't seem to justify me staying on them, either. When I see her skipping meals, I can't seem to justify eating.
Her actions are making it so much harder for me to keep myself doing the right thing. I've lost weight, and it's getting harder and harder to gain it back again when I see her shrinking right in front of me. I know I can't hold her as an excuse, and I am trying not to, but it's also extremely hard to not be swayed into that eating disordered mind-set when it's happening to the person I love the most.

She's seen her daughter fade away. Now the tables have turned.
How is that fair? How can she make me gain weight when she needs to gain weight, too? How can I eat when she doesn't eat? How is that right?
It's not right.

I don't want to feel cold anymore. I don't want to feel sick, empty, simultaneously hungry & bloated. I don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to be hurt.
And I don't want my mother to become a disordered eater.

* * *

Our family is splitting up. The details are complicated. Basically:
My Dad is moving out, but he's going to be here during the day to monitor my meals.
He'll just be gone in the morning and before Mum gets home from work in the evening.
I have no change. Change is what I crave. Change is what I need.

I need to escape from this; from all of this. From Mum, from Dad, from this house, from this town. But I have nowhere to go. The only place I can go is back into hospital, and they won't accept me now because my weight isn't critical anymore. The only other alternative is residential treatment, and that costs a fortune, and I would be subjected to people who've had eating disorders for years. That wouldn't be good for me. That isn't really an option.

I guess I'm just… hopeless right now.
Hopelessly looking for answers to questions that don't have answers.
Trying to justify eating and gaining weight in a world that is losing it.

I need a reason.

Coming Clean.

I have so much to lose, so much to throw away.
But for what?
This inner being, this possession, this all-encompassing darkness of the heart, mind and soul – it has taken so much from me already.
It's stripped me bare of happiness, as well as health. The two go hand-in-hand, though: happiness and health.
It's stripped me of opportunities, possibilities, chances to succeed and feel proud.
It's stripped me of the abilities I once possessed. It's stripped me of the joy those abilities brought me.
It's stripped me of love; from friends and family, to my own love. My self-love, self-acceptance, self-appreciation and self-confidence. It's stripped me of the memory of ever feeling those feelings.

But I still have so much to lose.

I have a future ahead of me. That can be lost.
I have a mother, a father, two brothers and a puppy that love me. I have friends close to my heart that love me. I have extended family that love me. All of these people appreciate me, my words, my company and my love. They, too, can be lost.
I have passions, hobbies, abilities, talents. They can be lost.
I have hopes and dreams. They can be lost.

I have a whole life ahead of me that, at the moment, feels empty and bare of all hope. But that life, it is there and it can be lived. And it can also be lost.
I don't want to lose my life, my future, my family and my friends, my passions, desires, hopes and dreams. I don't want to lose the chance to succeed in life; I don't want to lose the chance at actually living life.
Right now, I am not living. I am existing in a barren wasteland, a breeding ground of hate and self-loathing. There is no chance of life in this place. The only way for me to come back into life is to accept that I need help, and to accept that there is more to life than Anorexia. This dark cloud above my head has been there for far too long, raining down on me whenever I even think I see the sun. The help I need is going to protect me from that hard, cold rain. It's going to push those clouds aside and let the sun shine down on me, finally. I'm wasting away here, all by myself in this realm of dark and misery. I need to let in the light. I need a hand to hold onto. I don't want to depend on anyone but right now, I need to. I need to put my life in the hands of those that know how to make the hurt go away.

Ultimately, it all comes down to me and whether or not I accept the hand that's being held out for me.

I think it's time.
It's time to start living. It's time to start participating in life.
It's time to find my place in the world.
It's time to find me.

I have so much to lose.
But I also have so much to gain.
Life.

Clear as Mud.

Uncertainty is the only thing I can be certain of,
The unknown is the only thing I know.
Unfamiliarity is the only thing I am familiar with,
The unexpected is the only thing I can expect.
My lessons have yet to be learned.

I look ahead and see only shadows: shadows of what could be, what may be, what might be. The future is colourless, as it has yet to be painted and shaded in with emotion, experience and knowledge.
I have a head full of nothing, yet I feel as if I already know it all. Or maybe it is a desire to know it all that I am feeling; an endless pit in my brain, never to be completely full. Perhaps that is what all minds are; pits, waiting to be filled to brimming but never quite reaching. Just as the Universe expands, so do our minds and brains. There is always something more to learn, something more to find and discover and become. We are forever unsatisfied, but it is the thrill of perhaps achieving this state of being in which we are finally satisfied that we chase. Like the carrot in front of the donkey to keep it walking, such is the desire to learn more, to reach that ultimate goal - whatever it may be doesn't matter. It's a purpose, a reason.

But what happens if what we are searching for is our purpose? What then? Is our purpose in life to find our purpose? Perplexing; more-so confusing and frustrating as the need to actually have a purpose is growing stronger every day. What point is there in waking up every morning to a day full of nothing, a day in which a purpose is not clear? It is not my purpose to find a purpose – that is an endless cycle. My purpose is not yet clear, but my stubbornness is set in that I will find one. I will find a reason to rise in the morning and go about my day; I will find a reason to smile, to live and to learn. Although passion for learning is purpose enough, there is an unsettling notion that there is more out there.

Will I know when I have found my purpose? What will it feel like? How will I react? Will it be clear? Will I need to dig deeper? Will I be absolutely certain?

But what if there is no such thing as certainty?
What if there is no such thing as the known?
What if it goes beyond familiarity?
What if it cannot be expected?
What if I simply just let things go?

***

A cup of tea sits barely touched beside me. I am not hungry or thirsty for physical things. I am hungry – ravenous, even – for certainty. To know what is to happen, to foresee future events – that would satisfy me and my mental desires.
I just want to know that things will be okay in the end.