Just as a forewarning, this post is going to be quite emotional, disorganised and desperate cry out for help, advice and support. I apologise in advance for those brave enough to read through the thoughts swimming through the pools of my mind, but at the moment blogging is the only outlet I have and the only thing I can firmly hold on to.
***
What does one do when their rock, their foundation upon which they have built themselves, begins to crumble?
What does one do when the most important person in their life beings to spiral out of control, and become a negative influence?
What does one do when their mother, their best friend, their true life-partner, starts to walk down the same path that they themselves walked down?
What does one do when their mother starts to use the same excuses that they themselves once used?
What does one do when their role-model presents them with the temptation to go back down that path they once walked, the path that they are trying to walk away from?
What do I do when I see my mother losing kilo after kilo, seeing bone after bone appearing, skipping meal after meal and refusing to give in to her obvious signs of hunger? What do I do? How do I deal with this situation? How do I look after her? How do I convince her to change her ways before it becomes too late?
* * *
I am sorry for all of the questions. I am trying my hardest to answer these questions for myself but I keep drawing up blank and empty. Watching my mother drain herself of life is draining me of the willpower I somehow mustered up to getting myself back on track. When I see Mum heading off the tracks, I can't seem to justify me staying on them, either. When I see her skipping meals, I can't seem to justify eating.
Her actions are making it so much harder for me to keep myself doing the right thing. I've lost weight, and it's getting harder and harder to gain it back again when I see her shrinking right in front of me. I know I can't hold her as an excuse, and I am trying not to, but it's also extremely hard to not be swayed into that eating disordered mind-set when it's happening to the person I love the most.
She's seen her daughter fade away. Now the tables have turned.
How is that fair? How can she make me gain weight when she needs to gain weight, too? How can I eat when she doesn't eat? How is that right?
It's not right.
I don't want to feel cold anymore. I don't want to feel sick, empty, simultaneously hungry & bloated. I don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to be hurt.
And I don't want my mother to become a disordered eater.
* * *
Our family is splitting up. The details are complicated. Basically:
My Dad is moving out, but he's going to be here during the day to monitor my meals.
He'll just be gone in the morning and before Mum gets home from work in the evening.
I have no change. Change is what I crave. Change is what I need.
I need to escape from this; from all of this. From Mum, from Dad, from this house, from this town. But I have nowhere to go. The only place I can go is back into hospital, and they won't accept me now because my weight isn't critical anymore. The only other alternative is residential treatment, and that costs a fortune, and I would be subjected to people who've had eating disorders for years. That wouldn't be good for me. That isn't really an option.
I guess I'm just… hopeless right now.
Hopelessly looking for answers to questions that don't have answers.
Trying to justify eating and gaining weight in a world that is losing it.
I need a reason.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Family Ties.
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17 comments:
There is only one answer - love. Love yourself because you are a beautiful, smart girl with a big heart.Love your mum and your dad, too. They will always be the most important people in your life because they gave you this life. They need your love. Sometimes even parents feel lost and hopeless and need someone to show them a reason to keep on fighting. What a better reason than love?
I am sure it is very hard for you to stay at home and watch your mother slip while you are struggling with your own demons. I don't know if I could stay on track if I were in your shoes. What I know is that you mustn't give in to the temptation. You must be strong. Twice stronger so that you can help your mum see that life can be better. Show her you love her and give her the support she needs as she has always been doing it for you. Change will come. Just believe.
Marina
wow, that's so tough ;(
I wish I had some wise words for you. I wish you weren't in so much pain and have to deal with this :( xoxo http://dietcolagirl.blogspot.com
hugs .. remember the only way to take care of anyone else is to take care of yourself first
What does one do is a natural question in such a situation, Eleanor. And there are no right and wrongs, no ultimate, definete answer. So, never feel like a failure or that you should do or should have done something differently. No. That is no use, because life confronts us with experiences where all we feel are insecurity and confusion.
I can only try to feel your pain at the moment, my friend. There are so much chaos and hurricanes around you.
Your mother is crying out for help, for somebody to see the pain SHE is feeling inside. Just as you did. Just as I did. You can only do so much for her. Start with fighting back the demons who tries to convince you that you should not eat, "just because" your mother is starting to develop a negative relationship with food.
Why should that make you stop eating? Do you want to loose what you've worked so hard for, loose the life you've just begun to taste?
Be honest with yourself, Eleanor, you know what your heart is trying to tell you. Listen to it, and follow its direction. Remain on the path to life. If you loose your passion and fire again, you will not be able to help her, nor yourself. Nobody wins on that.
I know it is easy for me to say, and so very difficult to actually apply in practice - and believe me when I say I wish I could be there with you, offering you more help and support.
Let your tears stream down. Let your voice scream out loud. But do not take steps towards death. I know that is not what you want.
You have wisdom in that beautiful soul of yours - wisdom related to the positive functions of food. How it enables you to feel and walk with strength. Keep believing in that wisdom, and show your mother that food is essential to sustain life. That is, in my opinion, the best ( and most challenging ) thing you can do to help yourself, your mother and the other people you love.
I care about you, and I am allways here for you. Know that you can reach out anytime, write down thoughts and feelings just to share them with someone.
I believe in you, Eleanor. I believe in your strength and courage, even in the most challenging of times.
<3
Yeah, it'd hard to eat and be ok with one's recovering body when it seems the rest of the planet is doing the very opposite and calling it normal, beautiful, and even a source of income (models these days. Ugh.) The whole world is pretty much fucked up and we can't help but be a part of that, be influenced by that because of course we're not in a strong place ourselves so we're left weak and defenceless and bent at our knees because we know nothing better, because we cannot find a good enough reason to follow ourselves, because we are no longer people. We are weak, numb husks and that is what we choose to be and it takes a hell of a lot of time and effort and money and patience and pain to be fixed and that is why most people don't bother because considering they are already so far in, there's no point in searching in the dark for a way out because they've already lost by surrendering their free will, their humanity. Robots cannot make their own decisions because they don't have minds!
But there is a reason and we will find it because we have the power as long as we're not dead yet.
Your post really touched me. This is really heavy stuff. Yet you have the power to overcome. You have to. Just like I do.
I know so much about complicated mother relations. Me and or mom dealing with stuff. Unfortunately I do not feel comfortable writing more here, on an open to anyone -space. But do know that you are not alone. We all are responsible for ourselves, first and foremost. You need energy to live, to be creative and to leave your lovely print in this world. Anorexia wants to keep you from that - since no food equals no power to show people who you are and what beautiful things you can do. Do know that as I'm wtiting this, I am also trying to put it into action in my own life, the best I can, with my strengths and weaknesses.
Hugs to you, dear!
Eleanor,
Like in the post above...this is some very heavy stuff you're dealing with. I think when situations of adversity arise it's more important than ever to lift the stress and anxiety up and put it on to others - like your closest friends, treatment team, whatever - as long as you have an outlet. Maybe you could stay with a friend for awhile? I'm very sorry about this situation - I can only imagine how hard it is to say on the right track when your mother is straying. I have a friend who I saw start to enter an ED this year and it was heart-breaking, while at the same time triggering. But heart-breaking won out. I realized I didn't want to be "like that"...although I wanted the "good" ED things, I didn't want the "bad" things.
Hope you reach out, and hope things get better for you.
Kim
Eleanor, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I can relate, only to a certain extent, because my mom recently started dieting. She can definitely spare to lose some, but seeing the way her mind is changing is enough to leave me shaken and confused in a pool of disordered thoughts that I didn't think I would have to listen to again.
I can't even imagine what it must be like to witness your parents breaking up because I don't even know my father... but try to have faith in the fact that everything does happen for a reason. You can, and will, get through this.
You have my e-mail if you ever need to talk. I am thinking of you every day, and you are in my prayers.
elanor, I am so sorry to see you struggle like this. But what I can sense from this post is that you try to find something in the external world to give you a reason to live. you do NOT need a reason to be here and to be alive, to eat and to be happy. you can do this on your own. your presence alone is reason enough to be good to you. your parents need to dela with their issues and you need to focus on yourself.
i can imagine how unbearable this all may seem to you but you need to be selfish and take care of yourself right now and here.
If you need anyhting let me know and I am happy to helo you
I can imagine how hard it is to be at home right now! When I was still trying desperately to commit to recovery, my mom and step dad where having marital problems and lets just say, he's not in the picture anymore. It was tough having to go through that on top of recovery.
In regards to your mom though, it's such a strange thing to hear about. Usually our parents are our biggest supporters and would never do anything to hinder our recovery. My advice is to tell your mom that what she's doing is not helping you at all. Chances are, if she know's that her actions are making you slip back into your disorder, she'll do everything in her power to stop. Because she loves you! And she wants to see you healthy and happy!
Tell her!!
<3 Tori
Eleanor,
To have your mind on recovery still with all of the chaos swirling around you is a true true testament to your strength. Just like you said to me on my last post, you have to love yourself. No matter what those around you are doing, the only way you will ever be able to be there for them is if you maintain your own self care. As hard as it is, please please please remember that YOU must be your first priority. Focusing on your own health does not make you selfish.
I don't know what it's like to go through a family split as you are. I can only imagine how devastating it must be. I'm truly truly sorry for everything you're going through. Also, watching your mom slip into ED has to be soooo triggering for you. My mom diets quite a bit and just watching her do weight watchers or whatever other diet she tries is extremely hard for me. I agree with Tori's comment, maybe if you tell your mom how triggering watching her slip is for you she will consider her actions more. Let her know the temptation of living in an environment with others who are becoming increasingly wrapped up in their own ed is almost unbearable for you. It sounds like she loves you so very very very much and would probably do anything she could not to trigger you!
You shouldn't have to swallow the pain and discomfort your feeling right now. Get it out, cry, talk about it with people who care, post as much as you need to about it on your blog. Whatever will help you stay on the path of recovery through this time! You ARE worth it Eleanor. Just because things around you seem to be crumbling that does not take away ANY of your self worth.
E-mail if you need anything : )
Sarah
jesus eleanor. i feel like every time i read your posts i just want to whisk you away somewhere safe, so that you cna be the person you are obviously meant to be. The strong, happy, alive girl who is fighting so hard for her life.
this is unfair. i'm mad for you. and sad for you.
and i wish there was some other way for you to PHYSICALLY GET OUT other than treatment.
but if there isn't, and if you're stuck in that place for now in a sucky household, there ARE STILL REASONS.
1.it will get better.
it will get better
it will get better
it will get better.
i tell myself this everyday. And sometimes I see how it is true. Sometimes, my thinking and wishing becomes a reality, even if only in small ways. And it does get better, a tiny bit.
IT WILL GET BETTER.
2. You have too much. You are too much.
Don't throw that away.
You have come so far.
Its apparent from the way that you write, the tone in your words, the wisdom of your voice that you have struggled and suffered immensely and that you have so far to go.
The world needs people like you.
You wouldn't have written this post if you didnt, somewhere inside of you, know that.
3. Other people care about you.
If it's not apparent from the comments on your blog, let me say that again. people care about YOU.
not your mom. or your dad. YOU. there are people.
Sometimes i have to remind myself that I care about peole I don't even know, just because. I hurt for people who hurt. And i smile for people who are happy. There are people who care.
i don't know how to explain this enough.
but its true.
its just a fact of being a beautiful human being in this world.
4. Others need you.
this blog is testament to that. people wouldn't read it if they didnt find somethign in in that resonated.
Even in your struggles, you give me strength. There is something about you that gives me hope.
sending hugs.
please eat.
xo
rose
when one member of the family is suffering from an eating disorder, the whole family is affected, and what's more, the sufferer's family members are more likely to actually develop the same eating disorder too. maybe both you and your mother could get therapy together, to sort things out together and mutually support each other's recovery?
Eleanor, I am so sorry that you are struggling. I cannot imagine how triggering this must be for you to have to see your mom going down the same path as you. Try to remember that you need to go on with recovery for YOU. I know its hard but you have to try to convince yourself that even though your mom may be having disordered thoughts that you can still fight! I would suggest talking to her, maybe telling her how much pain it is causing you because honestly I am sure that she would make an effort to turn her ways in a new direction because she is your mother and cares and loves you deeply.
I'm also so sorry about you parents. Try to remember that sometimes things happend but they are NOT your fault. Sometimes things just happen for reasons that we are unaware of. God has his reasons for these things and we just have to realize that we may not know the meanings of his messages.
I'm so sorry that you feel you have nowhere to go. Please know that you will always have all of us in the blog-world cheering you on and supporting you in every way that you need it.
And eleanor, the reason is that you deserve life. You don't deserve to feel depressed, starved, or empty. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and ALIVE. That is the reason you need to eat and nourish your body, mind and spirit.
YOU and all of your beautiful complexities are the reason to continue in recovery.
Don't EVER give up I believe in you and will always be by your side. If you need anything, don't ever feel alone, because I'll alwaays be here to talk :) <333
My gosh Eleanor, this is so very much for you to deal with, and all though I cannot relate, you are within my thoughts and prayers.
You deserve a better life than this, you deserve to be strong enough to be able to help your Mum with her struggles; which I know you are deep down inside, your eating disorder just clouds this. I wish I could tell you simply what to do, but I have no answers.
I am sad that you feel you have nowhere to go, but there are so many people in the blogging community that are around for you 24/7, literally.
Thank you for your helpful comments on my blog.
You can do this, you can be supportive of your mother, and keep yourself on the road that you need to remain, to allow you to get your life back.
If you need to talk I am here, you are in my prayers
Sophie xx
Eleanor,
*HUG* My first thought after reading your post was that I wish I could give you a hug! I can only imagine how hard it must be to continue on the road to recovery when your mother is suffering. It is so scary when adults and family members, the people who are supposed to be good role models, start to fall apart. I experienced a similar thing w/ my mom- not with an eating disorder, but with depression and self-harm. I really feel for you and my heart goes out to you. You're right- it's not fair for you to have to go through this and I wish I could make it all go away for you. The way out, though, is to stay on the road to recovery, one snack and one meal at a time. Every challenge is easier to handle when one has a healthy body and a healthy mind. While recovery may feel like the hardest thing right now, it is really the only way out of suffering.
I agree that recovery is so difficult in our society, because our society itself is eating disordered. I know it's hard to block out outside influences and focus on yourself, but it's so important. Something that helps me when I'm having trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel, and imagining a life without my eating disorder, is to focus on what I have already lost to my eating disorder and what I do not want to continue to lose if I go backwards in my recovery. It's easy to romanticize the ED as a way to escape, and I have to remind myself that it only creates more problems.
You are such a remarkable person, Eleanor, and you have come so far. Despite this new challenge, please remind yourself that you have what it takes within yourself to take care of yourself and move forward in your recovery. Reading your blog and reading your encouraging comments on my blog has been such an inspiration- who you are is so beautiful, and you deserve only the best out of life- health and happiness. And you WILL get there. I wish I had better advice, but know that I am thinking of you (and your mom) and believe in your ability to get through this.
<3
I am so glad you commented on my blog. You are incredible. I want to help you so much, and give you words that can ease the pain and give you all the answers. But I truly cannot relate because my mother doesnt have these particular issues - others, sure.
You are reaching out to us but I hope that will also reach out to someone around you who can physically help you. Perhaps a counselor or teacher or doctor?
Please feel free to contact me if you wish :)
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