Another Year Come, Another Year Gone.

Another stereotypical "end-of-the-year" post. In all honesty, I don't really want to reflect on the happenings of this year. There have been too many, and most of them have been things I would rather forget. But these happenings have shaped who I am – the girl I am today is the result of my past experiences and choices.

Instead of dwelling on the past, however, I'm instead going to look forward, into the future. For instance, tonight I am going to a New Year's party with my closest friend – we will have an absolute blast; we'll dance and sing and drink and be merry and bring in the new year with gusto.

Everyone wants the New Year to be special. Different. New, exciting. I'm not expecting that, though. I've learnt not to. The year ahead is what I make of it – it doesn't come down to luck or blessings. It comes down to effort, commitment, perseverance.
If I'm going to get through the year ahead, I've got to keep looking ahead. Instead of hoping for a better tomorrow, I need to make the most of today.

I know all of these things.
I just have to do them, and that's the trouble. My motivation is wanning.

But
"Where there is life, there is hope."

 

Happy New Year, to all of you. You've all made such a positive impact in my life and that is something I am grateful for. Without you girls (and mabe boys!?) in my life, I wouldn't have the strength I have today. I wouldn't be fighting as hard. I wouldn't have a constant motivation and inspiration.
So thank you. Thank you for being part of my life.

I hope that the new year brings us joy. But we have to fight for it.
Let's fight together.

I'm Alive, but Unwell.

It's been two weeks since I last posted.
Yes, I am still alive. But so much has happened in these last two weeks; some good, a lot bad. 

My time away has taught me a lot. It's given me some more independence, but at the same time it's made me realise how strong my eating disorder still is.

I haven't, in fact, lost any weight. On the contrary, I've gained some. But that is where the problem lies.

I know I have talked about this before, and I didn't think so much of it back then. Now, however, I've been shown just how much of a problem it really is.

I have been binge eating.  Every day.
Regardless of how well I eat during the day, I come home, eat dinner, then eat everything in sight. It's happened every single day for two whole weeks - I  am out of control. No one I have told - my therapist and dietitian especially - think it's an issue. BUT IT IS. If it wasn't bothering me so much, I wouldn't be crying about it every night and every morning.

 I don't know what to do about it. I think being at home will ease some stress a little bit, but these problems were happening at home, too. I hate food, and I hate the amount I'm eating - I'm not even hungry when I'm doing it. I just do it to DO it, and that is not healthy. 

I'm lost, girls. I'm lost in this spiral of extreme self-loathing and hatred right now. My body image issuess have hit an all-time high, and all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and stop eating altogether. I know that's not an option, but the conflicting thoughts in my head are driving me insane. One side is telling me to EATEATEAT, and the other side is telling me to RESTRITRESTRICTRESTRICT. I don't know what to do. 

I just want all of this to go away.

I don't need another eating disorder.

...And She's Off.

Tomorrow I leave my house, my family, my town; three whole weeks away from everything I need an escape from.

I'm scared. Terrified.

But I'm ready, too. I'm ready for change, ready for a new way of life, ready for freedom.
I am ready to find myself, whoever that may be. And I think I might be ready to embrace that person.

I've steadily gained weight over the past few weeks, and have gotten to a point where I can maintain. I realise that it would be so easy to lose weight while away. But that is not the idea. The idea of my mini-holiday is for me to overcome my fear of weight, numbers, food. That is what I plan on doing, and I will put my absolute all into everything I do.

I want freedom.
I want independence.
I want a life.

With effort, persistence, perseverance and a lot of courage, I will get what I want.