Trying.

Being at home, out of the hospital environment, has made me realise two things.
1) It's okay to eat.
2) It's really hard to eat.

I decided to throw my hospital meal plan out the window, because honestly, a meal plan that doesn't include fruit or vegetables in it, is not the meal plan for a healthy person to live on. But having thrown my meal plan out the window, I've also realised: wait, what the hell am I supposed to be eating? 

I'm eating, don't get me wrong. And I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of it for the most part. But I'm still not getting it right, because I'm still binging and purging. Yes, hospital didn't break that horrible routine. While I was in there, no, I didn't purge, but being out and in my own environment has given me the chance to do it.

I'm struggling to eat enough during the day, and then I over-eat at night to compensate. This is the hole I fell in the first time round, which lead me to restricting, which lead to going to hospital. I don't want to fall into this heap again! That's the last thing I want to have happen.

I'm petrified I'll gain weight with these binge episodes, because they really are binge episodes, and I am not over exaggerating to make it sound like a bigger deal than it is. It's really concerning me, and thank GOD I have a dietitian appointment next week.

Having said all that, it's been amazing to be at home. I've gone out for drinks, I've driven around town with friends, I've had copious amounts of Coke Zero and coffee, I've walked and smoked like a chimney (I know, bad habit!) and I've been living. It feels amazing.

I'm living.

I'm struggling, but I think I'm just going to put my faith in this dieitian to help me figure out what's going on and how to work out a proper plan so I'm not binging, because it scares me how much I can eat and it disgusts me, which leads to hating food which ultimately just leads back to another hospitalisation, which I'm going to try and avoid, at least in the short term. If I need to go back, sobeit. But not now. Not after I've tasted freedom.

I'm trying, that's all I can say. I'm trying, and I'll keep trying.

Oh and by the way, I recieved an amazing package full of Larabars from a lovely friend from across the seas (you know who you are!) and damn, this is what I'm missing out on. I can't wait to get my hands on some Cappuccino Larabars!

hint hint ;)

Home.

Home, sweet home.

I discharged myself from hospital a few days before Christmas. There was no way in my life or the next that I could sit and watch as my family went along with the Christmas celebrations without me. That would have been wrong, in every sense of the word. Instead, I took a stand and went against "medical advice", discharging myself. But somehow, I think it was the right choice to make. My family certainly thought so, so I wasn't alone in my decision.

After 3 months in hospital, I think I did my stint. And maybe the last stint in hospital I'll ever do.

Something's changed. I don't know if this is the anti-depressants talking, but I feel a change. A change for the better. Although I went against "medical advice", I know within me that my time had come, and that hospital was not the place for me to be. 

I'm 18 years old. I shouldn't be dependant on a nasal gastric tube to give me nutrients. I should be out living, like an 18 year old in Australia lives. Meeting up with friends, going shopping, drinking a little too much at times, partying, relaxing, having fun being young. I've missed out on the better part of a year thanks to Anorexia - confined within hospital walls has both helped and hindered me. Helped in the fact that I've gotten to a place - mostly by myself - where I am able to function and think rational thoughts, but also hindered in the fact that it's stolen my freedom and will to live. But I want to live. I want to be free, I want to have fun, I want to share all of my crazy teenage stories with friends and family alike. 

It's time to change. 

I am in a positive headspace at the moment, and goodness knows it's not always going to be that way. But I'm ready to live, now. Within certain barriers, yes, like the fact that I don't want to gain any more weight. But I am at a place where I'm able to live. And so, with that, I will. I will live. And learn. And cry and scream and have horrible moments, of course. But I will live.