Nowhere in particular.

My mind is in a place far away from reality.

In a small, out-of-the-way cafe I sit in peace and comfort and watch the world pass by, all hustle and bustle, while I sip on rich, hot coffee and pen random thoughts in a tattered old notebook. Leaves in hues of the coming Autumn scatter the sidewalk like golden, orange and red confetti: splashes of color on a black and white image. I'm where I want to be, doing what I want to do. No obligations, no demands. Time is not of the essence; I have all the time in the world. This is my world.

I don't want to have to wake up out of these daydreams. They offer a place of serenity. I wish these places existed; the only way I can reach them is in my head, but my head is usually full of everything else. I never have room, I never have time, to take myself away to a better place. I'm constantly trying to escape, but in escaping one hell, I end up in another.

* * *

I made it through my first term of school. What I mean by "made it through" is that I am still alive. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel, but at least I'm doing something. Treading water is better than sinking.

To put a positive twist to a rather negative string of words, I got an extremely unexpected A+ in my English Literature SAC. (Don't ask me what SAC means. It's an Assessment Task of some sort.) I felt proud about that for all of 5 minutes. I was actually in denial about it for a time... Me, an A+? No, that's not right. That can't be right. She's made a mistake. The mark is wrong. She meant to write that about someone elses.
What's with these excuses? These explanations for things that need no explanation.
Damnit, Why can't I believe that I deserve that mark? Why do I have to berate myself, put myself down? Why can't I just be happy?
Questions that have no answers.

I've missed blogging. I've missed expressing myself. I've missed sharing words with you beautiful people. I wish I could express my minute-to-minute thoughts and feelings; I realize I ask way too much of myself, but the thought is a nice one.
My passion for writing hasn't disappeared, it's just been buried underneath the mountains of homework that's accumulated over the course of this first term of school.
On top of working myself to the bone at school, we've been assigned holiday homework! Because that's what holidays are for!
(Note the heavy use of sarcasm)

* * *

In other news, I GOT JEANS THAT FIT ME.Not leggings that look like jeans. Not tights. Not treggings or jeggings. Jeans. Denim jeans. This caused me inexplicable amounts of joy. Even the guy at the store was happy for me! That says something.
I didn't even care what size they were, in honesty. Sure, they're the smallest size, but they actually fit. And they're not kids jeans.

The mirror doesn't reflect me as a person, and no amount of poking and prodding and grabbing is going to change my body. Putting on weight is putting on condition. It's giving my body the chance at being somewhat normal again. Not even normal... Healthy.
Health is beauty.
Happiness is beauty.
When I am able to realize that, for real, that's when I know something's changed. Changed for the better. I'm far from "better" at the moment. My thoughts about myself, my thoughts about food, my thoughts about weight, they're all still extremely disordered. I have good days and bad, but the bad days are more frequent than the good.

Where I am at the moment might not be desirable, but there are plenty more places that I could eventually end up in. My journey is far from over but that just means I've got much to discover, about myself and about life.

I'm paving my own pathway, brick by brick, stone by stone, and walking it step by step. Life is a process. A journey. A discovery.
Life is worth living.

Want to live it with me?

love, love, love.

Down the Rabbit Hole.

Remember me?
Where did I get to?

Did I fall off the Earth?
Nope.
But I fell into a hole.

Without really realizing it, two or more weeks have passed since I've written a post. I wish I could say that it was because I went on some super exciting adventures, I saw some beautiful things, I rediscovered Eleanor and my falling-off-the-Earth resulted in me finding myself in a better, happier place.
I wish I could, but I can't.

I did go and see Alice in Wonderland, and she took me on an adventure. She held onto my hand and together we tumbled down the rabbit hole, into a world like no other, yet one I was so familiar with.
A world where I was either too big or too small, too short or too tall.
I was never right, but always wrong.
A world where I was expected to do things I didn't want to do.
I couldn't make up my mind, because my mind wasn't my own.
I was told to drink, to eat,
Do this, but not that!
A world in which nothing made sense.
A nightmare; only I was fully awake.

These past two weeks have been full to the brim with stress, anxiety, pressure, expectations. Meetings, talks, appointments.
Due-dates, assignments, tasks.
School has been mostly to blame for this. I've found it extremely hard to cope.
My weight has dropped. Not significantly, but significantly enough to affect my mood, my concentration and ability to get through an entire day without conking out.

I've lost my ability to write. I cannot, for whatever reason, put words on paper and be okay with what I've written. I've failed to do essays on time, sit Exams, even writing diary entries.
Writing is what I do. It's how I express myself. It's my passion, it's what I love.
Losing that, I feel like I've lost what I did have of myself.

I am seriously clutching onto the lightest, shortest, weakest whisps of air, in the hope that they might lead me to an answer, or to at least bathe me in momentary peace and freshness.
It hasn't worked. The air around me, if anything, is suffocating me, pressing down on me.

I know what needs to be done, and I tell myself that I'm 'trying', but I don't know if that's true.
I'm digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole and this nightmare is becoming more and more livid, more and more real.

Pinch me, will you?
I think it's time I woke up.

I love you all; I haven't forgotten about you, given up on you, moved on from you.
You are all in my heart, every day. I think about you, send you love, follow you, read your progress. I want to give you all advice, help, information.
All I can give you, though, is my love and support.
I hope that's enough.

love, love, love.

VENT.

I have no idea where to begin, no idea where to end.
I have no idea where I am.

I've been searching for something that doesn't exist. Trying to find answers to questions that haven't been asked. I've made no discoveries, no important findings, no answers, no solutions to problems, no cure-alls, no understanding.
Without knowing what I'm trying to find, there is no clear path for me to walk down, no clear direction for me to head in. I'm not waiting for someone to tell me, I'm waiting for people to stop telling me.
I'm not recovering for myself, right now. I'm recovering for everyone else. I'm recovering for my parents, I'm recovering for the Dietitian, I'm recovering for friends who are sick of me for "not going out and having fun". I'm recovering for everyone else but the person who needs to recover. Am I recovering from myself?

Do this,

Do that.
Take this,
Eat that.
Stop complaining,
Tell me what's wrong.
I love you,
I'm so sick of you.
This is up to you,
You're going to do what I say.

These contradictions. These demands. I'm being told to do everything, all at once, and I'm expected to do them, all at once. I'm being "weighed down" with these expectations.  I'm doing what's said because they expect me to.
I want to recover for me.

If I'm not "allowed" to recover for me, I'll never know how to. I'll never learn.

* * *

I've been sick for the past week. I don't know what it is, but it's taken its toll on me: physically, mentally and emotionally.
I missed three days of school. Three! I am so far behind... I missed four Assessment Tasks which are vital as they're what's tallied up at the end of the year for my final score. I have to somehow catch up on all of them as well as keeping up with normal school work.
Cover your ears if you don't like curse words,
but I'm honestly fucked.

* * *

I've not felt any motivation, lately. To do anything. School work, home work, going out with friends, spending time with my family, yoga... Nothing. I'm completely lacking everything. I'm forcing myself to listen to music. That shouldn't be forced. Needless to say I'm not really enjoying it.

This sickness, whatever it is, has been so hard to deal with. I'm taking antibiotics for some stupid infection on my finger on top of the sickness... I'm bloated beyond belief, I am so uncomfortable. I feel like crying all the time. I don't want to go out, I'm that uncomfortable with myself. It hurts. I'm in constant pain. Being bloated after eating is completely normal, I know this, everyone knows this... But being bloated just because? That's not. It could be the antibiotics, I don't know, but whatever it is it's killing me.

The beautiful Tatianna wrote a post on body image, which really stuck with me. I've been battling with discomfort in my own body for so long, especially now... And the things Tat pointed out were so valuable to me.
As opposed to avoiding mirrors, I've always been drawn to them. Not out of big-headed-ness (like my ego-maniac older brother) but out of self-consciousness. I constantly check myself, which only leads to being berated by whatever it is that is in my head. I don't even want to say "ED" anymore, because I'm honestly sick to death of talking about "it".
Anyway, the mirror-checking is something I've always done, but doing it now is obviously damaging my already fragile self-worth/confidence/esteem. Being abused and belittled by a part of my own mind is eating (heh) away at me. I don't know what purpose I'm serving by looking at myself, because I know what's going to come after that.

This all comes from me. I need to learn to accept what's happening. These changes are needed. These changes are vital. Humans have muscles and fat for a reason. To protect our organs and bones. I'm not going into a Human Development rant here, I'm just sayin'.

Maybe reinforcing things that I already know will help me to accept them. I can be told by everyone else that I need ot gain weight but until I tell myself that I need to gain weight and until I start believing it, it's all for nothing. Wasted words. And we all know how much I love words. Words aren't supposed to be wasted.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
I needed to vent after not posting for so long. It's theraputic.

I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, how I'm supposed to be doing anything or where I'm supposed to be going.

It's all part of the journey. I'm learning. Learning to live. I'm growing. Growing into something new. I'm fighting. I'm fighting for myself.

Nothing is easy, but nothing is impossible.

love, love, love.

Jumbles of Words... as always.

I have always loved hearing the thoughts of others, their opinions on the things that are important to me or in my interest. The feedback I get from you wonderful girls is detrimental in this process of healing, as it allows me to see things not just from my point of view (which, in all honesty, is usually negative), but a point-of-view from the outside looking in. When I'm not in a healthy/positive frame of mind, I say things that have the ability to affect my mood even more than I've already been affected, therefore resulting in a very depressive mindset. When I'm not in a healthy/positive frame-of-mind, when I say things that can futher affect my bad mood, I'm overwhelmed with your "counter-active" words, opinions and thoughts.
Words have the ability to turn a frown into a smile, and vice-versa.

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. "
"Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill. "

I could go on quoting the Buddha for so long; the more I read about him, the more I realize just how important we are to ourselves.
He is able who thinks he is able.
We all have the power to become whatever it is we want to be, and that power, like anything, can be used for good or ill.
Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.
No, we're not responsible for developing cancer, or other forms of disease, but we do have some choice over our health. I know it's not as easy as that, just "being good" or "making the right choices", because Anorexia is a possessive mental illness that has characteristics not many others (upon my research, anyway! Correct me if I'm wrong) diseases have. It takes over minds, confuses our thought processes, it "becomes" a part of our minds and can take control. No, we can't necessarily help that or prevent it, but we can do something about it. We have that power. This is still our body, our mind, our life.

I don't know where I'm going with this, to be completely honest. I just needed to vent, to do something somewhat productive; words have a soothing effect on me sometimes, though at other times words fail me. Sometimes, it's almost painful to construct a sentence. Sometimes, words wont fit together like they should, like they're supposed to.

I have a feeling, an inkling, that today is going to be one of the latter days. A day where words fail me, cause me inexplicable pain, making me want to gouge my eyes out with a blunt pencil.
Yeah, I've got exams today. Exams I haven't really "studied" for. I'm not prepared. I'm freaking out of my mind about it. Procrastination will not get me anywhere, I keep telling myself. But nope, it's just not sinking in. When it comes to putting pen to paper today, I hope something somewhat intelectual comes out.
(I can see it now: a page full of sentences/paragraphs that have been crossed out, written over, scribbled on, re-worded...)
I know that I am capable. I know that I can write, I can structure a sentence, I can write an essay. But again, it's not sinking in.

My belief in myself is in the negative numbers. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to make it through the day. I've been struggling, trying to come to terms with the fact that the only way I'm ever goign to get my life back is to "just gain weight", and damnit I wish it was that easy. It's not that easy. If I don't start trying to help myself then I'm going to end up a lost cause; I don't want to be a lost cause. I want to be someone. Right now, I'm noone. I can't have that.

[end: verbal vomit/]

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense.

I just hope I make it through this week.

We all have so much to give to the world.
It's time to start giving to ourselves.

love, love, love.