Living Life.

The thoughts in my head still don't quite make sense, my actions still aren't quite normal, but slowly, I am starting to find a balance between disorder and life. Living hasn't been a big part of my existance for a long time; it's been on the back burner, sitting quiet while my ED ran rampant. But now, things are slightly different. I still give in to the thoughts, but not to the extent at which I used to. 

I think I have found happiness. At least, contentment. I am surrounding myself around people I love, who accept me for who I am and not what I am. I feel loved, I feel cared for, I feel appreciated. 

Things may not be perfect but they're getting better. I haven't felt like this in such a long time. I don't want to lose it, and I'm going to do whatever I can to ensure I keep it safe and sacred.

Slowly but surely, things are falling into place. That's not to say I'm not depressed, because I have some very low lows. But at the same time, distractions have helped me to separate myself from my Eating Disorder. 

I'm excited for my future now, whereas before I feared it.

 I'm embracing life.

Oh.

It creeps in slowly but surely, by the darkness of night. Every aspect of my being is overrun by the moster that lurks deep within my soul, my heart, my mind, my body. There's nothing to be done but to let it rule me; its presence is felt with an ache that doesn't subside. There, every second of every minute, of every hour, every day; it won't go away. It's my companion, one that is loathed with all that I am and ever was.

Is it all that I ever will be, or is it something I can purge myself of, once and for all, just like I purge the contents of my stomach with all the hate in the world. I loath myself, and it bathes in that loathing. All the hate I feel for myself is the fuel for its presence in me. 

Can I rid myself of this monstrosity? Can I be free, one day, maybe, just maybe? I wish upon the first star in the darkness of the night's sky, every time I spot it in the revealed blanket of night. Please, please, please let me be free, I wish. 

I'll keep wishing.

Troubles.

153 posts in and all I seem to ever do is complain. But hell, this is my blog and I can do what I like, am-I-right?

So, binging and purging has been a big thing for me in the past, and the very recent past.
How does one stop binging?

I am really concerned about it, because I don't want to gain weight. I also am extremely concerned about the health concern side of it, too. What it can possibly to do me scares the living hell out of me, as well as disgusts me. I hate that I do it, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate eating so much, and so much of the bad things that I'd otherwise be petrified of. But when I'm in that state of mind, I don't care what I eat. In my normal, every day mind, there is no way I would eat a cupcake or a biscuit. So why am I doing it?

While I do mostly binge on "healthy" food, such as nuts, dried fruit and cereal, I still hate it.
Why do I do it?
What makes me do it?
What can I possibly do to get a hold on it?
I've made myself a New Year's Resolution to get a hold on this side of my disorder. While I'm trying, I'm still "failing". I want to be normal. I just... I want to be normal. I don't like this at all - in fact, I hate it.

Please, anyone that has any advice, I'd love to hear it. I really would appreciate it. I need to get rid of this side of my disorder, because it disgusts me beyond belief.

Thank you for listening to my moaning and groaning. I wish I could speak of happy things but right now, I'm not happy, and I want to change that.

Thank you.