Down the Rabbit Hole.

Remember me?
Where did I get to?

Did I fall off the Earth?
Nope.
But I fell into a hole.

Without really realizing it, two or more weeks have passed since I've written a post. I wish I could say that it was because I went on some super exciting adventures, I saw some beautiful things, I rediscovered Eleanor and my falling-off-the-Earth resulted in me finding myself in a better, happier place.
I wish I could, but I can't.

I did go and see Alice in Wonderland, and she took me on an adventure. She held onto my hand and together we tumbled down the rabbit hole, into a world like no other, yet one I was so familiar with.
A world where I was either too big or too small, too short or too tall.
I was never right, but always wrong.
A world where I was expected to do things I didn't want to do.
I couldn't make up my mind, because my mind wasn't my own.
I was told to drink, to eat,
Do this, but not that!
A world in which nothing made sense.
A nightmare; only I was fully awake.

These past two weeks have been full to the brim with stress, anxiety, pressure, expectations. Meetings, talks, appointments.
Due-dates, assignments, tasks.
School has been mostly to blame for this. I've found it extremely hard to cope.
My weight has dropped. Not significantly, but significantly enough to affect my mood, my concentration and ability to get through an entire day without conking out.

I've lost my ability to write. I cannot, for whatever reason, put words on paper and be okay with what I've written. I've failed to do essays on time, sit Exams, even writing diary entries.
Writing is what I do. It's how I express myself. It's my passion, it's what I love.
Losing that, I feel like I've lost what I did have of myself.

I am seriously clutching onto the lightest, shortest, weakest whisps of air, in the hope that they might lead me to an answer, or to at least bathe me in momentary peace and freshness.
It hasn't worked. The air around me, if anything, is suffocating me, pressing down on me.

I know what needs to be done, and I tell myself that I'm 'trying', but I don't know if that's true.
I'm digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole and this nightmare is becoming more and more livid, more and more real.

Pinch me, will you?
I think it's time I woke up.

I love you all; I haven't forgotten about you, given up on you, moved on from you.
You are all in my heart, every day. I think about you, send you love, follow you, read your progress. I want to give you all advice, help, information.
All I can give you, though, is my love and support.
I hope that's enough.

love, love, love.