Uncertainty is the only thing I can be certain of,
The unknown is the only thing I know.
Unfamiliarity is the only thing I am familiar with,
The unexpected is the only thing I can expect.
My lessons have yet to be learned.
I look ahead and see only shadows: shadows of what could be, what may be, what might be. The future is colourless, as it has yet to be painted and shaded in with emotion, experience and knowledge.
I have a head full of nothing, yet I feel as if I already know it all. Or maybe it is a desire to know it all that I am feeling; an endless pit in my brain, never to be completely full. Perhaps that is what all minds are; pits, waiting to be filled to brimming but never quite reaching. Just as the Universe expands, so do our minds and brains. There is always something more to learn, something more to find and discover and become. We are forever unsatisfied, but it is the thrill of perhaps achieving this state of being in which we are finally satisfied that we chase. Like the carrot in front of the donkey to keep it walking, such is the desire to learn more, to reach that ultimate goal - whatever it may be doesn't matter. It's a purpose, a reason.
But what happens if what we are searching for is our purpose? What then? Is our purpose in life to find our purpose? Perplexing; more-so confusing and frustrating as the need to actually have a purpose is growing stronger every day. What point is there in waking up every morning to a day full of nothing, a day in which a purpose is not clear? It is not my purpose to find a purpose – that is an endless cycle. My purpose is not yet clear, but my stubbornness is set in that I will find one. I will find a reason to rise in the morning and go about my day; I will find a reason to smile, to live and to learn. Although passion for learning is purpose enough, there is an unsettling notion that there is more out there.
Will I know when I have found my purpose? What will it feel like? How will I react? Will it be clear? Will I need to dig deeper? Will I be absolutely certain?
But what if there is no such thing as certainty?
What if there is no such thing as the known?
What if it goes beyond familiarity?
What if it cannot be expected?
What if I simply just let things go?
***
A cup of tea sits barely touched beside me. I am not hungry or thirsty for physical things. I am hungry – ravenous, even – for certainty. To know what is to happen, to foresee future events – that would satisfy me and my mental desires.
I just want to know that things will be okay in the end.
10 comments:
It will be OK because YOU will make it OK!! You are a beautiful being...take one day, one minute at a time and truly LIVE it!!
PS- you're an amazing writer...true talent!
You ask questions to which there might not be a clear answer.
Instead of seeking one Great purpose, try to focus on making good things for you - and for those around you.
Uncertainty is a fundamental aspect of life - we do not know what will happen the next second. The next hour, or year. We only know our past, and this knowledge can act as a guidleine for our future actions.
We have both fallen down into the grip of an eating disorder, and we both want to break free from this. Recovery is a process filled with unknowns, of confusion, insecurity and doubt. Will we manage life? Maybe it would be better to stick to what we know best? Where are we heading, or : are we heading anywhere at all?
It is like finding yourself in a hurricane of emotions, thoughts and desires - all topped with ambiguity.
But, Eleanor, we'll find out how to do this thing called life. Maybe that can be a purpose itself - to live? Live a life based on values such as love, respect and compassion. For us, and for other.
I love you my friend, you are dear to me. This comment might not provide you with any good answers, but know that every words of mine comes from a heart that feels nothing but love and hope for you. I have faith in you, beautiful.
<3
WOah!!! thats a lotta questions
maybe try and few certainty in the uncertainty and the knowledge that you WILL be ok you WILL be ok
f
xxx
I think what you're experiencing is perfectly (or unperfectly) normal and everyone asks these questions at some point. We are all wondering and questioning and full of uncertainty. That is just a natural factor of being a human. I think it is ok.
I so relate to this post Eleanor. I try not to think about it too much, but when I really do ponder what the grander purpose of recovery or even life in general I have to admit that I don't know. For me, uncertainty causes a lot of anxiety. It's wonderful and a testament to your strength that you're willing to really think about this.
I have a feeling that everyone's honest answers to these questions would be different, but all right. The fact that no single person on this earth is identical to another suggests, to me, that everyone's purpose would be unique. Everyone would gain a sense of fulfillment through things specific to themselves. I think introspection is the first step in finding these answers out.
Thank you for all your wonderful comments lately. I appreciate the encouragement so much, you inspire me everyday! : )
Sarah
"I just want to know that things will be okay in the end."
the last lines really got me.
Eleanor, you are a beautiful writer. Your words are heart wrenchingly beautiful but also sad. It will be okay. This is what I have to tell myself everyday. And there's no certainty in it. And that sucks. I just read a blog post actually that I think you might really find helpful...
http://chickensoupforthedorkysoul.blogspot.com/2010/10/it-gets-better.html
I think things will start to unravel and become more clear with time. in the meantime, i guess, try to take care of yourself and do things you love, and definitely, definitely, don't stop writing.
xo
Eleanor, I would argue that the only thing we can be certain of, is that everything will be okay. Life can be absolutely crazy, but things happen for a reason.. they really do! You need to know in your heart, to feel in your heart, that you are being guided in some way.
You have such an amazing way with words, and I will always love that about you. You are so fantastically unique, and there is no doubt in my mind that you will find your purpose as soon as this world is ready for you.
Thinking of you, always,
<3 Tat
Eleanor,
By worrying about what we have no control over, we make ourselves miserable. By wanting to be something, we don't live as who we ARE. But rather than beat yourself up over knowing that you can't control the future, allow yourself to be ok with it. It's ok that you're frustrated, it's ok that you feel empty. It's ok that you are ravenous. IT IS OK.
Because, like with every thought and emotion-- it will pass.
thinking of you!
love you girl. i totally get this... and i felt the same way. but you know what? you can trust God for this, i promise.
sending huge hugs.
-r
The unknown is always the scariest. And yes, it holds terrible things but also wonderful, beautiful things. Letting go of the fear is the best place to start. For me, I was happiest when I didn't give a fuck. All I did was live, decide what to do in the moment, and just have fun. Not care. It was the greatest relief in the world. Unfortunately, with school and all, it's all about the future and planning. But don't worry love. You'll find the answers. They come from life expierences. I hope you're doing well. Keep fighting; it's a never-ending journey not just one battle.
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