There are no words I can string together that justly express my appreciation and love for you girls. I wish words didn't fail me so, because writing is the one way in which I am able to express my thoughts and feelings. But it just goes to show the power of love and support and friendship. It goes to show how much you all mean to me.
This container of peanut butter was full, four days ago. Today, this container of peanut butter is empty.
Yes. I ate a full jar of peanut butter in less than a week.
This brings up all sorts of emotions, both good and bad. It's put me in a place of confusion. I don't know how to correctly deal with the thoughts in my head, whether to listen to them or to ignore them. The overriding feeling here is guilt, with a side of disgust and horror in the mix.
This empty peanut butter jar symbolises something else, too. It symbolises freedom, in a way. For such a long time, I have been resisting food, resisting recovery, resisting a life outside of my eating disorder. I have conformed to its rules, listened to its every word, made sure to keep a hold of it somehow, in some way. But over the past week something has changed. It's almost as if I have "given up" on my eating disorder and instead I'm eating my way through jars of peanut butter to prove a point: I am over being associated with Anorexia.
Yes. I ate a full jar of peanut butter in less than a week.
This brings up all sorts of emotions, both good and bad. It's put me in a place of confusion. I don't know how to correctly deal with the thoughts in my head, whether to listen to them or to ignore them. The overriding feeling here is guilt, with a side of disgust and horror in the mix.
This empty peanut butter jar symbolises something else, too. It symbolises freedom, in a way. For such a long time, I have been resisting food, resisting recovery, resisting a life outside of my eating disorder. I have conformed to its rules, listened to its every word, made sure to keep a hold of it somehow, in some way. But over the past week something has changed. It's almost as if I have "given up" on my eating disorder and instead I'm eating my way through jars of peanut butter to prove a point: I am over being associated with Anorexia.
But that doesn't stop the fear of me developing the opposite problem, being binge eating. It hasn't just been peanut butter that I've consumed in excess amounts. It's been honey, cereal, milk, dried fruit, nuts… Yes, all of these things are "healthy" and I realise that, but the amount in which these foods are consumed is not healthy.
This is such an awkward topic for me to discuss. But could it just be that my body is finally so over being half starved that it's craving the very thing that keeps a human alive? That's likely. It just doesn't stop me fearing that things could get out of control.
Do any of you have suggestions for me? I'm sick of asking for help, but in times of desperation, it is you who I go to because it is you all that help me through some of my darkest days.
***
Escape.
Escaping from the mother with protruding bones and skinny limbs.
Escaping from the father with a dictatorial approach and a need to keep a hold on his daughter.
Escaping from the place in which my disorder began.
Escaping from the disorder itself.
Am I running away from my problems, instead of dealing with them? That's a question I've yet to answer, though I doubt – like many of my questions – it will be answered.
I have found a place to stay for a little while, away from the mother, the father, the place and (hopefully) the disease. A place in which I have the potential to be the independent woman I was born to be; a place in which I have the chance to explore – not only the surroundings, but the inner corners of my mind; place in which I am able to find myself, my real self, without the association of a disease.
This is a chance for me to be me, and no one but me.
I want to take this chance. I know it comes with risks, I know that being away from home poses the potential for me to slip back, but if I slip back I will be going straight back into hospital. That's not the idea. The idea isn't to go away, escape, and lose all the weight I gained.
No. The idea is for me to go away, to take a break, and to come back refreshed and instilled with peace and a clear direction.
I want to feel like myself again. I want to be able to deal with things without using food as a coping mechanism. I want to be human.
I want to be me.
I want to be free.
This is such an awkward topic for me to discuss. But could it just be that my body is finally so over being half starved that it's craving the very thing that keeps a human alive? That's likely. It just doesn't stop me fearing that things could get out of control.
Do any of you have suggestions for me? I'm sick of asking for help, but in times of desperation, it is you who I go to because it is you all that help me through some of my darkest days.
***
Escape.
Escaping from the mother with protruding bones and skinny limbs.
Escaping from the father with a dictatorial approach and a need to keep a hold on his daughter.
Escaping from the place in which my disorder began.
Escaping from the disorder itself.
Am I running away from my problems, instead of dealing with them? That's a question I've yet to answer, though I doubt – like many of my questions – it will be answered.
I have found a place to stay for a little while, away from the mother, the father, the place and (hopefully) the disease. A place in which I have the potential to be the independent woman I was born to be; a place in which I have the chance to explore – not only the surroundings, but the inner corners of my mind; place in which I am able to find myself, my real self, without the association of a disease.
This is a chance for me to be me, and no one but me.
I want to take this chance. I know it comes with risks, I know that being away from home poses the potential for me to slip back, but if I slip back I will be going straight back into hospital. That's not the idea. The idea isn't to go away, escape, and lose all the weight I gained.
No. The idea is for me to go away, to take a break, and to come back refreshed and instilled with peace and a clear direction.
I want to feel like myself again. I want to be able to deal with things without using food as a coping mechanism. I want to be human.
I want to be me.
I want to be free.
22 comments:
eleanor
first of all- i SO relate to that inability to express gratitude and love with words. sometimes its hard when i want to just give people a hug but we're on the freaking internet and that doesnt really work.
second of all, it's totally normal for you to be scared. but honestly, we are people of extremes. it was bound to happen that if you just kind of "rejected" your anorexia, you might feel as if you are getting too carried away with it or something, but thats not the issue here.
the issue here is actually not an issue at all. YOU actually are making progress by doing this. maybe you fear you're bingeing. i'd have to remind you that your perception is a little skewed and lets givey ou the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe you ARE right, maybe you have been overeating just a tiny bit---clearly, your body NEEDS it.
its been starving for so long. its HUNGRY.
REALLY REALLY HUNGRY.
I understand being scared though, scared of an appetite that appears out of the blue.
that's okay. that will subside with time. but you are makinmg such great and valiant strides and i am just so proud of you even in your fear. its okay to be scared. thats just what your gut reaction is after all of this craziness. I want you to be free, too.
so keep going. and try to tell yourself that peanut butter is yummy and it will not be like this forever but for now, if you go through a jar in a week, maybe lets just say this: so be it.
<3YOU.
Of course we don't know just by reading if what you call binge eating, is really happening. But I'd bet that your perception of yourself overeating, doesn't even come close. Your body was malnourished and you need a lot of food!! More than most! So if you're eating like a linebacker for a football team, then I'd say you are on the right track!! Don't be afraid of your hunger. It's there to help you get better! You don't want to be stuffing yourself silly with absolutley no appetite do you? Not fun!!
Hope you like the new place you're staying!
<3 Tori
Wow. You just summed up my feelings in one post. I guess all I can say now is listen to your body. Through my struggles I realised that it was so much easier when I just stopped and listen to what my body wanted (not ED). If your body wants peanut butter(healthy fat), if your body wants milk(calcium), it will nudge you to eat the foods. If your body just needs some cake give it cake! So don't be scared okay, breathe and tell yourself that you are strong. I love how you are so honest and trust me Eleanor, you are not ED, you are you and you have us:)
I agree with Tori. Sometimes we trick ourselves into thinking we're over-eating, when in reality a lot of times it's just NORMAL eating.
i hope youre able to reattribute the neg feelings about that beautiful jar of pb into something to feel good about... But, perhaps rather than give it a label as 'something good' or 'something bad', it can just be what it is. a jar of pb. that's it. let's move on.
to me, that's a step towards normalcy-- and i know youve got it in you :)
Champion,
I know it is scary as it is so radically different from your previous actions. From years of deprivation ending in a starving body and mind, to finally giving your body what it misses so desperately. Your body is afraid too, and has been so for a while. You are living with a mind afraid of food, and a body afraid of not getting food. There is a conflict between these two aspects of you, a potentially deadly one.
What you have done the past days has meant the world to your body, like lighting a candle that was about to burn out. Food is a symbol of fire and passion, it brings life into you. At the moment your body does not trust you, it fears that you soon will start to restrict again.
With time and if you manage to continue giving your body enough nourishment it will realize that there is no need to ask you to eat "everything in sight", as it is confident that your mind loves it enough to give it some more fuel later on.
So, take a deep breathe and see that what has happened is that your body has finally been allowed to let its voice be heard, and affect your actions after a long period of living supressed by a disorded, mental dictatorship.
I have done so too, even though I have not written about it too much on my blog. If I eat too little one day my body goes into a weird mode very quick, begging me to eat more and frequent. My heart aches, and my entire body feels heavy and tired. Food is the only way to "fix" it. Lots of healthy fats and carbs - it is like magic to my mental and physical health. Nothing bad happens when I do so, the concequences are beautiful. A warm heart, bright mind and strong legs.
Keep fighting, and keep taking care of yourself. You are brave, Eleanor. Braver than you might think. Because you are starting to listen to your body, to give in it to it's needs. You are moving closer to health and life, and I am so proud of you.
All my love, allways here for you <3
Dearest! I 100% relate to this... I've been there, and I promise that it does get better. Your body IS craving what it desperately needs; and although I know it's hard, just trust that everything will balance out again.
You are my darling, beautiful Eleanor. I promise you will be ok. Just hold on, hun. You're going to progress to health and happiness! Look at how much you've already accomplished---identifying your feelings, fears, and what's REALLY going on in your mind and body. Being concerned about your overall health.
I have faith in you, sweet girl. I know you're going to be free.
Eleanor!
I know ed is beating you up for finishing the pb, but I am so beyond proud of you for pushing yourself! Really, even though you feel on edge about how much you've been eating lately...congratulate yourself for simply eating. That is huuuge!
I so relate to the fear of becoming a binge eater too. I have binged before, but now that I am following my meal plan and ensuring that my body has enough food in it most of the time...I never even think about binging. The only reason I did it before was because I was STARVING. My body needed something and, at that point, it was so sick it didn't even know exactly what it wanted...so it craved everything. I think this is normal, the urge will go away once your body isn't so malnourished. Have faith in your body to tell you what it needs! I know it's much easier said than done, but if we simply listen to our bodies our needs will be met -- the urges to cut way back or indulge in excess will become less and less.
I commend you for posting about the topic of binging. It humiliates me to have anyone know that I have binged because, obviously, my anorexia tells me I'm a failure for having done so. But that's a lie, I am not and you most definitely are not a failure! Your courage to continue pushing through and heal yourself is so admirable. I don't know what I would do without your wonderful perspective on my posts and encouraging comments each morning. Thank you for that : ).
Also, congrats on removing yourself from the stressful and triggering environment at home. That must have been a very hard decision, but taking it as a chance to gain independence and care for yourself is the best way you can view it. You're taking your health into your own hands Eleanor and, while scary, that is AMAZING. I am so proud of you : ).
If you ever need anything or just simply want to chat, please don't hesitate to e-mail me.
Sarah
so proud of you sweetie! in regards to the binge-eating, i wouldn't worry too much about it. I've felt the same way before and I think it's just your body trying to get what it needs after being deprived for so long.
love you!
xx
This is such a wonderful post in so many ways! There is something there in you, full of bright light that overshadows the not-so-wonderful parts. I know how you feel about "indulging" - I think it is normal for anyone recovering and is not something that is likely to continue for the rest of your life (despite what your mind is telling you!) and you won't swing the other way. There is a beautiful happy medium for everyone and it's just a matter of finding it and holding on to it - but once you've found it it won't be an effort, it will feel right and easy and you will smile and feel proud.
But I know it's not that simple and I don't know everything but what I feel in your words is something sure to send you in the right direction, on to something great. Because you are great.
xoxo
Eleanor. First of all, I am so proud of you for taking action and removing yourself from your surroundings at the time being. Yes, it's risky, but it's also incredibly well-intentioned. Seeing you decide that you need to live away from the influence of your parents right now makes me so happy, because your beautiful independence is shining through. You are taking responsibility for your own life, and it doesn't get any better than that. I am thinking of you every day, and I hope the new situation works out as planned.
I've never had what most people would consider to be a binge, but in my opinion I've come close. I overeat a lot at night... and sometimes I feel completely powerless to it. I think almost everyone who has ever restricted their intake goes through something similar to a binge at some point. Our bodies have been through so much, and they will tell us (even if the signals are a little scary) when we need more food. I know my feelings of being 'out of control' when it comes to late night overeating usually intensify on days where I haven't eaten as much as I should have... which makes me think that my body is just trying to balance everything out.
You will make it through this, all of this. I promise :)
Eleanor,
I am so happy that you found a place that you can feel safe and ready to explore the beautiful soul that you have. Try not to let ED convince you to wait in recovery because you deserve to live NOW, why waste another day of your precious freedom in life? Every time that you take bits of EDs power you're getting a bits of the true eleanor back. As much as you want her back, I do to just so that I will be able to know you'll have a smile on your face each and every day!
In regards to your concern about the pb, I honestly think that it is just a desperate plea for your body to get nourishment. I know sometimes after I haven't nourished properly in a while that eating feels so strange I feel like i'm eating too much. But your body obviously needs the nutrients from the pb so eat it up and enjoy it :) don't let ed make you feel guilty about it. There is absolutely no reason why you should feel guilty for CHOOSING to be alive.
Good luck with your break from distractions, I know that you will use your time in a constructive way that will allow you to discover that you are worth recovery, life, and happiness.
Stay strong and if you need anything let me know :)
I too think that you need to be carefull with what we call binge eating. Eating that amount of peanut butter is not a binge or anything near. our minds trick us into thinking that we do but in the end we DONT. all we do is feed a starved body that is longing to eat normal amounts again and yes is trying to gain wieght to get back to a comfortable level. I don't want to sound rude or judge but you need to let go of this thought and follow your cravings for now. they know what is right and it is perfectly fine to eat all these foods. the anorexia always finds a place where it can tell us what we are doing wrong!
I haven't been a follower for long but I have read enough of your comments on other blogs to know that you deserve all the love and support you receive. You should learn to love the person you are and do your best to give your body the energy it needs for living life at its fullest.
When I decided to let go of all (or most of) the stupid food rules I was afraid of binge eating, too. In a way I still am but I'm starting to realize what overeating means. It means that I need food and the cravings won't disappear until I give my body everything that I've taken away from it. At first maybe I really ate too much but recently things have started to come to their places. I just finished a bar of chocolate that had spent about a month in my cupboard and it wasn't because I didn't let myself eat it. It was because I didn't want to. So if you honor your cravings, soon they won't be so intense and eating won't cause so much stress. Be free!
I just came across your blog so don't want to give any advice since I don't know enough, but I do want to offer support. I think the fact that you are aware of these things and considering them and how they affect you speaks volumes. Big credit for that! I hope you continue to pay attention to your body and its needs. And don't be ashamed to ask for help. That makes you strong.
Hey there Eleanor, it's Paola from Sol de Luna! (I switched over to Wordpress a few days ago and this is my new blog)
First of all, congratulations on eating that jar of peanut butter! I love how you associated the fact that you ate it with freedom- you must feel so proud!
But yes, on the other hand, I can completely relate to you when you say you're scared it's going to get out of control. I used to feel the exact same way; but you shouldn't worry that much. Like you said, your body is probably trying to heal itself and is asking for the fuel it needs to do so. It'll get better with time- you'll realize it'll become so much easier!
I loved the way you ended this post by the way, you DO deserve freedom and happiness- life is just too short to be stuck with such an evil monster like ED!
Stay strong!
Paola
I know what you mean when you say you don't have the words to express your gratitude, that is so often how I feel. Because it is that feeling when someone says something, and all of a sudden, you are hit by a wave of happiness and hope.
I am sure that your consumption of peanut butter is just your body trying to desperately get some nutrients, and your fear of binge eating is your disorder trying to fool you into believing what you are doing is wrong. But by nourishing your body, you are nourishing your mind and soul.
I think that gaining some independence will be a good thing for you. Being on our own can be scary, but you seem to have the right attitude towards it.
Sophie xx
That's exactly what happened to be during my refeeding process. Don't worry my love, it's perfectly normal. Because your body has been starved for so long, it "binges" so to say when you do eat because it doesn't know the next time it'll get an opportunity to eat. I label this as "mental hunger". You can be physically full, but still want more food. It's important to listen to your body and stop yourself when you're physically full. I know it's difficult, when I would give in to this mental hunger, even when I was full, I would feel guilty, like I "failed". Such emotions are difficult to ignore. My advice to you is to pay close attention to your body and less attention to your mind. Your mind can decieve you. That's where the ED thrives. And try not to dwell when situations like this come up. I see food as being my fuel. It's a lot easier eating when you look at it as a car would consider gasoline or what a fire would consider wood. Stay strong, if you keep at it, you'll overcome this. You'll be free once more. You've made it so far, and I'm so proud of you. And props with the peanut butter! P.B. is a hard food for me as well but it's also one of my favorites!
Take care lovely xoxo
i like peanut butter! i'm you're getting over it.
I know exactly what you mean!
Freedom is a really big inspiration.
Like a few people have said, maybe what you consider a binge is really a normal amount? anorexia can really twist our perception on what is "normal", especially if the people around us don't really eat much.
I think you hit the nail right on the head though, listening to your body can be crucial in these times.
Look forward to reading more of your blog. :)
Hey beautiful!!
thank you for your sweet comment!! and seriously- i go through a jar of PB a week!! no exaggeration. its GOOD!! (and im not even gaining) be proud of it.. .OWN IT!!! everybody at school know calls me the "PB queen" bc I go through jars like nobodys business. You should eat oats out of the empty jar :) That is my FAV! Im proud of you! you eat all the dang PB you want! (binging would be like eating an entire jar in one sitting!)
love! <3
first off, i can completely relate to you ''consuming in excess'' cereal, honey, milk (yogourt for me), dried fruit, nuts, and nut butter. that's EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY how i have been eating in the past while. yes they are healthy, but the amounts of each food consumed isn't necessarily healthy. i have eaten a jar of pb in under one week more than once. and while they are healthy foods, there isn't a lot of balance. but i suppose the thing most noticeable with those foods is that they are the foods that were once restricted, despite their healthy nutritional content and value, and so i agree, it's almost like defying anorexia by eating more of them.
but it's okay. maybe try to make little changes, one day at a time, or one week at a time. i don't really know what else to say other than that... i started switching up my breakfasts with smoothies and a piece of toast/waffle, instead of my usual cereal mix with protein powder/fruit/yogourt. for nut butter, i bought some tofutti cream cheese and i try to alternate with that. when i knew that i would want to eat just cereal for dinner (my excuse being well at least i'm eating something :p), i made myself make a big pot of hearty soup (chickpeas, lentils, tofu, veggies, etc) on the weekend so that i could just eat a bowl (a big one though!) of that during the week since it was easy and i didn't have to think about it too much. maybe that would help??
second of all, love you should be proud of yourself for removing yourself from that stressful situation. i am so so glad you did that. i have no idea how hard it must be to see your mother go down that same path you are struggling to get back up, but i can imagine what it must be like. i am sending you hugs and even though it is hard, please please know that you are worth it, you are loved, and there is so much out there waiting for you.
xoxo
<3 <3 <3 xxx
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