She's lost in the ether.

Words form themselves in pools of confused thought; streams of consciousness make their way through a mind made out of pieced-together emotions, experiences, wants and needs, numbing everything but bringing everything back to life simultaneously.

Questions, questions with no answers, regardless of the amount of searching and sifting through the mind-mess roam free:
“Why?”
“Why me?”
“Why now?”
“What for?”
“What are the reasons?”
“Is there a way out?”

* * *

I often wonder if these questions need answering, or if it’s just a comfort to have a solid answer, a confirmation, whether it be positive or negative. I don’t know what I want to hear anymore. I don’t know what I’m searching for, besides escape. But if I escape, where do I escape to and what am I escaping from? Who and what would I leave behind?
Too much. I’d leave behind too much, if I were to go. And as for where I’d go, there is no answer. It differs from person to person, belief to belief, faith to faith. I have no faith. I just have needs. My need to be free is increasing daily. These thoughts in my head are killing me.
Physically I may be fine. To others, anyway. Physically, I hate what I see with such fiery rage. It scares me, the extent of which I hate myself.
Mentally, however, I am not fine. I am nowhere near fine. If anything, my mind will be the death of me.

I still think like Anorexia. I still feel like Anorexia.
But I’m not Anorexic anymore.
That hurts me. That physically and mentally pains me. And I do know how sick that is, which hurts me even more.
My eating disorder is something else, now. I don’t know what, exactly. But it, as well as food, still rules my life. It’s with me, wherever I go.

I’m not okay.

I love my boyfriend. And he loves me.
However, I don’t feel as though I deserve that love, that adoration, that worship, that respect, that kindness. I don’t deserve his words, I don’t deserve the times he says “You are so beautiful, Eleanor”, “You are perfect, Eleanor”, “You are amazing, Eleanor”, “Your body is beautiful, perfect and amazing the way it is, Eleanor”. I don’t deserve that, or at least my eating disorder doesn’t think I deserve it.

I am scared of losing him. But I’m also scared of losing ED.
I need my boyfriend. But I also feel like I need ED.
I can’t be with them both. I can’t please them both. I can’t hold onto both.

I am lost. I’m growing up, growing beyond, attempting to find myself and ignore myself at the same time, trying to hold on, hold back and move forward all at once.
I am confused and scared and hurt and ashamed. 

I just want freedom. I don’t want to be lost.