Sleepless nights: constantly tossing and turning as a way to ignore the mind that refuses to shut itself off and give itself peace and quiet after long days of fighting, discussing, stressing, crying and decision-making.
The thoughts never stop.
The thoughts never stop.
***
I’m not running on much, anymore. I slipped and fell and I haven’t been able to pick myself up, nor have I allowed anyone else to help me up and dust me off. So now I have been lead to this:
I am going away to IP.
I am going away to IP.
I am terrified. And that’s why I need advice. I need advice, support, help, anything. I need girls with experience of IP to tell me what it’s like, what they’ve been through, what to expect. I know each and every treatment centre is completely different, but I just need some sort of heads-up.
I’ll be in an adult ward now, seeing as I’m the big “18”.
The people at this particular clinic haven’t given us any real, solid information. I have no idea how long I’ll be there for, how much weight I’m going to gain, what sort of therapy I’ll be getting… I don’t know if I’ll be able to discharge myself because I’m 18, either. So really, I’m going into this completely clueless and I am terrified.
Mind you, I don’t actually know when I’m going away. Not even that is certain.
My head is in the clouds, I am in a complete daze – everything around me is in slow-motion. I’m losing track of everything. School, friends, my boyfriend, my life. And that’s why I need this. That’s why I need to go away.
That’s why I need your help.
I would honestly appreciate ANYTHING you have to tell me.
Thank you. So much.
5 comments:
Hi Eleanor,
I've just spent three weeks in a psychiatric clinic in Perth which has an ED program so I may be able to tell you a bit about it. I wasn't on the ED program myself, but I can tell you about what I saw and what I know.
Each morning at about 6am the ED patients were weighed. Meal times and snacks are at set times each day: breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner and supper. At the clinic I was in, they supplement depending on your needs with Ensure or Fortisip and some girls had the tube. Half hour resting period after all meals and snacks. Some were allowed to go on a half an hour supervised walk in the morning.
As for programs and therapy, some had once weekly individual therapy. Otherwise from about 9:30am to 3pm on weekdays there are group programs which everyone attends. This may include art therapy, group CBT or interpersonal type classes, relaxation, nutrition type classes...
All the best. xx
Just keep in mind that this is possibly the BEST thing that will ever occur in your life.
I have never been IP and many of the IP approaches I disagree with but one thing I know FOR SURE is that you will get out of it what you put into it and you will learn.
Maybe just submit entirely. Die to yourself. Do it their way and see what happens.
When I was IOP the place I went offered a non-hospital environment so the girls that were IP ooked their own food, lived in apartments...etc (all acording to a meal plan) but most IP treatment programs are muh stricter so really expect a TON of rules. Get ready to just give it all up now, and perhaps when you get there you will be more prepared. Really, you are in the experts hands now.
Prayers for you, girl! You will not lose your mind and you will meet friends.
I have never been in a situation like this but when I read your post carelessly munching on peanuts, I realized how much things have changed for me during the past year. I went from a state of absolute hopelessness to something that I don't even know how to describe. It feels like an episode of someone else's life and I am still trying to get used to it and stop holding on to the darkness of the past. What I am trying to say is that life after anorexia exists. If you don't want to look back one day and regret missing the best years of it, change things now. You can't do it on your own? Let them help you. It may be hard but it is worth it. Think of all the amazing things you will be able to do when you let go of your ED. Just do it!
Hi Eleanor,
Going to IP is definitely not easy because you're taken out of the comfort zone of your eating disorder. You're giving up the control and letting someone else help you make decisions. That's unsettling! But know this: When you're deep in your ED, you're not in the best place to make decisions about what's best for you nutritionally, so it's great to allow a doctor to make those decisions for you.
Recovery, if you truly want it, is totally possible, but you have to want it strongly enough that you are willing to go through the discomfort and strangeness of getting help.
If you go into IP, my greatest piece of advice is to be honest with the doctors and with yourself. Tell them what you are nervous about. They will partner with you to make a plan.
Keep in touch. I will look forward to hearing how it goes!
-Emily
Eleanor,
First of all I just want to let you know that I am here for you, 100% no questions asked, whenever you need it. I haven't ever been to IP, but I really wish I would have sometimes. I think it would have made things a lot easier, and would have been easier to come to terms with the things that caused my ED in the first place.
I know it is tough, and extremely scary to be going into IP, with so many unknowns :( But Eleanor, I am CERTAIN it will be a good thing for you. I know that you will be treated wonderfully, and will really make advances against your ED.
You are worth this, and you can do it.
Sending my love, prayers and support,
<3 (((---HUGS---))) <3
Scott
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