Lost, Dazed, Confused.

How is it possible to express emotion when you have been paralysed by numbness?
How is it possible to explain the current situation when all you want to do is escape it?

I’m lost. Oh, so lost. But I am not particularly sure that I want to be found either, which is the most dangerous and worrying part of all.

I still feel the rational side of me, I still hear her, screaming in the background to “GET UP GET UP GET UP” before it’s too late. However, I think it may already be too late. I may already have fallen too hard and fast for it to be possible to get up. The confusion is overwhelming. I don’t know which way to turn, who to turn to, where I should be, who I should be, what I should be thinking, how I should be acting… It’s endless:
A maze of confused thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I don’t want to accept help. The monstrous voice inside, the demon, the dark cloud, the black-cloaked figure with its skeletal fingers outstretched, scraping fingernails down my back; it wants me to fall.
But if I fall, I have too much to lose.

I’m being threatened with hospitalisation, yet again. The third time ‘round. This time, however, would be different. I wouldn’t be in the “Child’s Ward”; no, I’d be in a proper unit, with proper treatment. Part of me knows that is a really good thing, and another part of me is terrified, as is to be expected. 

There are positives to it (and the Eating Disorder is kicking and screaming at that admission) but there are also a whole range of negatives, and I can’t seem to weigh them out properly.

I don’t know what to do.

I am lost, I am scared, I am confused.
I wish I could be anywhere but here.