Well, well. Things have been interesting these past few days.
First thing’s first: This Tuesday, I will be a resident at a treatment centre in Melbourne. To say I’m scared is an understatement. To say I want to go would be a lie. To say I’m ready to give up ED and recover is the absolute last words I would utter.
I am stressed beyond belief. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be thinking. I have no idea what to expect and that’s what kills me most. Especially about food.
Also, I don’t have internet access there, except on my phone. So blogging is out of the question. Facebook will be used only on my phone, and infrequently, as with emails. So please, if you want to email me, do so! I would love some support or words of kindness once in a blue moon.
***
But on to other things. Something, dare I say it, cheery. Cheery isn’t an emotion I would equate with myself, not in the last few months. I’ve been anything but. I’ve been in a shell. But today, on the first of June (which is actually quite symbolic), I had a smile on my face.
Today, I got my first ever tattoos.
And yes, I did say tattoos.
And yes, I did say tattoos.
The key is actually a replica of a key that my Mum gave me as a present. It represents new beginnings. But it also means that I possess a key to unlock all doors, all locks and barriers that ever get in my way.
The locket, I don’t know. It means a lot. Secrets, but also openness. I have the ability to open it and share myself whenever I want. Control, I suppose. Control of my heart, myself – a safe control.
***
I’m still all over the place.
I can only see how things go. Enter this new stage of my life, this new door, with an open heart.
I can only see how things go. Enter this new stage of my life, this new door, with an open heart.
12 comments:
read your blog for a while now and thought id comment :)
The tattoos are amazing! love the detail and meaning behind them :)
goodluck with this next big step, im here if you want to talk or want advice and support! i just recently came out of ip treatment.
ive heard alot about centres there, i was looking into the melbourne clinic.
its hard to ever WANT recovery fully without the ed kicking and screaming, but by making this step youre heading in the right direction its something to be proud of!
i hope it all goes well, itll be challenging but without challenging yourself you cant get better.
bring lots to occupy yourself i guarantee bordem unfortunatley!
xxx
Good luck, sweetheart. I wish I could help, but I've never exactly been through what you're goint through. I do have problems accepting myself for who I am, but I've never really done anything about it. I hope all is well and that you'll be blogging soon. Take your time and always keep a smile on your beautiful face.
I'll always be a reader or yours :)
-Tiana
tianalachelle.blogspot.com
Oh, P.S. I love your tattoos! I can't wait to get my first!
I understand exactly how you feel about just wanting to be recovered already, but it takes time unfortunately. You've come so far already so just stick with it. It'll be here before you know it. :)
Love the tattoos, too!!
Eleanor,
First I would like to say that I LOVE your tattoos, they are so beautiful and I really love what they stand for!!! Second, I am so so so so proud of you!!!! You are truly so much stronger then you know... you have so much bravery and fight inside; harness it and kick your ED's ass!!!! I believe in you and have so much faith that you will be able to see the light of recovery, and realize how amazing life can be when you don't have a voice telling you: you're worthless, you're weak, you have no control... all the while, deciding your every move and thought, robbing you of your happiness and slowly draining your life. My advice--> harness all your courage and let down your walls so that the treatment team can help you to the best of their abilities. You WILL be faced with very challenging memories to talk about, feelings to uncover and tasks that scare your ED and make you want to runaway... but know that you have so many people behind you, rooting for you 100%!!!! Stay strong, girlie, having an eating disorder is no way to experience the world... you deserve to be happy and confident!!!!
You can do this!!!!!
xoxo
-A <3
You're taking a very brave step and I wish you the best. *hugs*
Those tattoos are beautiful.
I know it is so scary to not know what is coming in the future, but this is going to be great for you, it really is.
I would love to write you emails, or letters! Let me know which is best, and your address for either!
Take a deep breath, and know that you are doing the right thing.
Scott
P.S. LOVE the tattoos and what they stand for :)
I loooove your tattoo!!! It's so detailed. You found a really great artist!!
I know what a scary and hard time this is for you. But you're doing the RIGHT thing, have confidence in that my dear. Ed got louder again and you're shutting him up as quickly as possible. That is the bravest ad strongest decision you could make. Trust in yourself...you have it in you to fight this and win, Eleanor.
I'm SO proud of you!
xxx
Oh darling, I am so happy your making this decision. While it's scary, if you're open to it, it will be a rewarding and beneficial experience.
I will definitely send you an email :)
Good luck darling! You can do this!
<3
This is going to be the best NEW BEGINNING EVER! you are getting your life back and starting a whole new one at the same time. I am so proud of you. Yes it is scary, but that's just because it is uncertain and you know you will be challenging all the things that comfort you, yet hurt you at the same time. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. I love you girl. YOU'VE GOT THIS!! <3 time to show the world who's boss :) :)
xoxo <3
Hugs and Kisses!
-Kelsey
Firstly, YAY!! an aussie! So glad we found each other.
Secondly, your tattoo is beautiful!!
and Thirdly, please feel free to email me if you wanna chat okay? I know what your going through is hard, and if you want to talk about it, or even just chat about random things, my email is on my blog okay ♥
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