Writing is a form of therapy - the only therapy that seems, in some small way, to ease the pain that is a constant on mind and body. A relief, if you will, of the incessant naggings that won't stop, and don't stop, regardless of the efforts undergone to kwell them.
Writing, therefore, is the escape route taken to take a heavy mind from that which makes it heavy.
Writing, therefore, is the escape route taken to take a heavy mind from that which makes it heavy.
However, where to start, and where to finish?
That, ladies and gents, is the very thing that stumps me most. I want to write, but when it comes to the actual hands-to-keyboard motions, I don't know what to write, or how to write. So much is going on inside this mind of mine, but at the same time, very little is able to be put to words. Words to thoughts, and thoughts to words; that's my trouble.
Everything swells up inside, threatening to burst, and comes out in the most horrid of ways.
After having come out of IP, I haven't done what needs to be done, because at this moment in time, what needs to be done doesn't meet the criteria in which I have (or the "other" has) put in place. Food is an issue, living is an issue, family is an issue, school and work are issues - all too much, all too soon. I knew what I was coming back to, but nothing could prepare me for it.
I am in constant fear.
Fear of food,
fear of weight,
fear of life,
fear of living.
Fear of letting go.
Fear of food,
fear of weight,
fear of life,
fear of living.
Fear of letting go.
I can honestly say I am not ready to let go. A nurse in IP told me she knew exactly what I meant, and she knew, in the bottom of her all-too-caring heart, that what I was saying was truth.
But she also said "I live in hope."
But she also said "I live in hope."
At least someone does.
3 comments:
<3<3<3<3 I just want to give you a huge hug through my computer right now. I can totally feel what you mean, i want to write more too, but I never like what I end up writing :( Truth is though, if it is from the heart it is beautiful :)
Hope today is amazing!
Scott
Hey beautiful girl!
First of all, I want to tell you how PROUD I am of you. Seriously, you took a major step towards healthy by going to treament and even though it doesn't sound like it was a great experience, you will always have this step you took as your own. When you knew things were getting bad, you took action to save your life. No one can take that from you, Eleanor.
As far as how you're doing since being home, I know it's a transition...a MAJOR transition, but you can do it. I know you can. Recovery is possible especially for someone as strong and incredible as you, who already made the choice independently to go to treatment. I know you want to live Eleanor, and I know life without ed around may seem unfathomable right now, but it IS possible. SO possible! Don't lose hope and don't give up on yourself, you are worth this struggle!
xxx
I want to send you a massive hug via the computer too! What do you say you, Scott, and I engage in an internet group hug? *HUGSSSS*
Passing our feelings into words is not easy but writing is really therapeutic if you can find the way to start writing. If you just start and pour your heart out onto paper (or keyboard) without worrying about whether it is good or not, you will be surprised at how naturally poetic is sounds. Writing becomes really difficult when it is forced. It is really one of those forms of art that has to come from the heart. I know you have it in you to write and I know you have it in you to recover and do whatever makes you happy! I am here for you.
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