Nowhere in particular.

My mind is in a place far away from reality.

In a small, out-of-the-way cafe I sit in peace and comfort and watch the world pass by, all hustle and bustle, while I sip on rich, hot coffee and pen random thoughts in a tattered old notebook. Leaves in hues of the coming Autumn scatter the sidewalk like golden, orange and red confetti: splashes of color on a black and white image. I'm where I want to be, doing what I want to do. No obligations, no demands. Time is not of the essence; I have all the time in the world. This is my world.

I don't want to have to wake up out of these daydreams. They offer a place of serenity. I wish these places existed; the only way I can reach them is in my head, but my head is usually full of everything else. I never have room, I never have time, to take myself away to a better place. I'm constantly trying to escape, but in escaping one hell, I end up in another.

* * *

I made it through my first term of school. What I mean by "made it through" is that I am still alive. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel, but at least I'm doing something. Treading water is better than sinking.

To put a positive twist to a rather negative string of words, I got an extremely unexpected A+ in my English Literature SAC. (Don't ask me what SAC means. It's an Assessment Task of some sort.) I felt proud about that for all of 5 minutes. I was actually in denial about it for a time... Me, an A+? No, that's not right. That can't be right. She's made a mistake. The mark is wrong. She meant to write that about someone elses.
What's with these excuses? These explanations for things that need no explanation.
Damnit, Why can't I believe that I deserve that mark? Why do I have to berate myself, put myself down? Why can't I just be happy?
Questions that have no answers.

I've missed blogging. I've missed expressing myself. I've missed sharing words with you beautiful people. I wish I could express my minute-to-minute thoughts and feelings; I realize I ask way too much of myself, but the thought is a nice one.
My passion for writing hasn't disappeared, it's just been buried underneath the mountains of homework that's accumulated over the course of this first term of school.
On top of working myself to the bone at school, we've been assigned holiday homework! Because that's what holidays are for!
(Note the heavy use of sarcasm)

* * *

In other news, I GOT JEANS THAT FIT ME.Not leggings that look like jeans. Not tights. Not treggings or jeggings. Jeans. Denim jeans. This caused me inexplicable amounts of joy. Even the guy at the store was happy for me! That says something.
I didn't even care what size they were, in honesty. Sure, they're the smallest size, but they actually fit. And they're not kids jeans.

The mirror doesn't reflect me as a person, and no amount of poking and prodding and grabbing is going to change my body. Putting on weight is putting on condition. It's giving my body the chance at being somewhat normal again. Not even normal... Healthy.
Health is beauty.
Happiness is beauty.
When I am able to realize that, for real, that's when I know something's changed. Changed for the better. I'm far from "better" at the moment. My thoughts about myself, my thoughts about food, my thoughts about weight, they're all still extremely disordered. I have good days and bad, but the bad days are more frequent than the good.

Where I am at the moment might not be desirable, but there are plenty more places that I could eventually end up in. My journey is far from over but that just means I've got much to discover, about myself and about life.

I'm paving my own pathway, brick by brick, stone by stone, and walking it step by step. Life is a process. A journey. A discovery.
Life is worth living.

Want to live it with me?

love, love, love.