I have no idea where to begin, no idea where to end.
I have no idea where I am.
I have no idea where I am.
I've been searching for something that doesn't exist. Trying to find answers to questions that haven't been asked. I've made no discoveries, no important findings, no answers, no solutions to problems, no cure-alls, no understanding.
Without knowing what I'm trying to find, there is no clear path for me to walk down, no clear direction for me to head in. I'm not waiting for someone to tell me, I'm waiting for people to stop telling me.
I'm not recovering for myself, right now. I'm recovering for everyone else. I'm recovering for my parents, I'm recovering for the Dietitian, I'm recovering for friends who are sick of me for "not going out and having fun". I'm recovering for everyone else but the person who needs to recover. Am I recovering from myself?
Without knowing what I'm trying to find, there is no clear path for me to walk down, no clear direction for me to head in. I'm not waiting for someone to tell me, I'm waiting for people to stop telling me.
I'm not recovering for myself, right now. I'm recovering for everyone else. I'm recovering for my parents, I'm recovering for the Dietitian, I'm recovering for friends who are sick of me for "not going out and having fun". I'm recovering for everyone else but the person who needs to recover. Am I recovering from myself?
Do this,
Do that.
Take this,
Eat that.
Stop complaining,
Tell me what's wrong.
I love you,
I'm so sick of you.
This is up to you,
You're going to do what I say.
Take this,
Eat that.
Stop complaining,
Tell me what's wrong.
I love you,
I'm so sick of you.
This is up to you,
You're going to do what I say.
These contradictions. These demands. I'm being told to do everything, all at once, and I'm expected to do them, all at once. I'm being "weighed down" with these expectations. I'm doing what's said because they expect me to.
I want to recover for me.
I want to recover for me.
If I'm not "allowed" to recover for me, I'll never know how to. I'll never learn.
* * *
I've been sick for the past week. I don't know what it is, but it's taken its toll on me: physically, mentally and emotionally.
I missed three days of school. Three! I am so far behind... I missed four Assessment Tasks which are vital as they're what's tallied up at the end of the year for my final score. I have to somehow catch up on all of them as well as keeping up with normal school work.
Cover your ears if you don't like curse words,
but I'm honestly fucked.
I missed three days of school. Three! I am so far behind... I missed four Assessment Tasks which are vital as they're what's tallied up at the end of the year for my final score. I have to somehow catch up on all of them as well as keeping up with normal school work.
Cover your ears if you don't like curse words,
but I'm honestly fucked.
* * *
I've not felt any motivation, lately. To do anything. School work, home work, going out with friends, spending time with my family, yoga... Nothing. I'm completely lacking everything. I'm forcing myself to listen to music. That shouldn't be forced. Needless to say I'm not really enjoying it.
This sickness, whatever it is, has been so hard to deal with. I'm taking antibiotics for some stupid infection on my finger on top of the sickness... I'm bloated beyond belief, I am so uncomfortable. I feel like crying all the time. I don't want to go out, I'm that uncomfortable with myself. It hurts. I'm in constant pain. Being bloated after eating is completely normal, I know this, everyone knows this... But being bloated just because? That's not. It could be the antibiotics, I don't know, but whatever it is it's killing me.
The beautiful Tatianna wrote a post on body image, which really stuck with me. I've been battling with discomfort in my own body for so long, especially now... And the things Tat pointed out were so valuable to me.
As opposed to avoiding mirrors, I've always been drawn to them. Not out of big-headed-ness (like my ego-maniac older brother) but out of self-consciousness. I constantly check myself, which only leads to being berated by whatever it is that is in my head. I don't even want to say "ED" anymore, because I'm honestly sick to death of talking about "it".
Anyway, the mirror-checking is something I've always done, but doing it now is obviously damaging my already fragile self-worth/confidence/esteem. Being abused and belittled by a part of my own mind is eating (heh) away at me. I don't know what purpose I'm serving by looking at myself, because I know what's going to come after that.
As opposed to avoiding mirrors, I've always been drawn to them. Not out of big-headed-ness (like my ego-maniac older brother) but out of self-consciousness. I constantly check myself, which only leads to being berated by whatever it is that is in my head. I don't even want to say "ED" anymore, because I'm honestly sick to death of talking about "it".
Anyway, the mirror-checking is something I've always done, but doing it now is obviously damaging my already fragile self-worth/confidence/esteem. Being abused and belittled by a part of my own mind is eating (heh) away at me. I don't know what purpose I'm serving by looking at myself, because I know what's going to come after that.
This all comes from me. I need to learn to accept what's happening. These changes are needed. These changes are vital. Humans have muscles and fat for a reason. To protect our organs and bones. I'm not going into a Human Development rant here, I'm just sayin'.
Maybe reinforcing things that I already know will help me to accept them. I can be told by everyone else that I need ot gain weight but until I tell myself that I need to gain weight and until I start believing it, it's all for nothing. Wasted words. And we all know how much I love words. Words aren't supposed to be wasted.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
I needed to vent after not posting for so long. It's theraputic.
I needed to vent after not posting for so long. It's theraputic.
I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, how I'm supposed to be doing anything or where I'm supposed to be going.
It's all part of the journey. I'm learning. Learning to live. I'm growing. Growing into something new. I'm fighting. I'm fighting for myself.
Nothing is easy, but nothing is impossible.
love, love, love.
16 comments:
Sometimes it helps to start off recovering for others - this is how my recovery began, and it was only as I gained weight and learned to eat properly that my brain and body became strong enough to figure out who I was and why I wanted to recover for ME.
Uncertainty and confusion is a big part of recovery, especially since you are trying to find yourself after being consumed by an ED. Filling this space in your life with something else is scary, I know, and it takes time, and some trial and error, but you will get there. And from what I know of you Eleanor, there are plenty of fabulous qualities that make you, you. And as you start to appreciate these qualities and love yourself, the motivation to recover will come alongside this :-)
Indeed nothing is impossible...most of all recovery.
Sarah x
I wish I could help you more Eleanor, I feel your frustration and I know its a horrible place that your stuck in but please remember as hard as it seems right now you dont have to stay in that place.
You do want to recover, you want a life free of this dont you? I know you would love to just have a normal life and go to school and enjoy yourself and all those things are possible and will happen for you, it just takes time.
There are various stages in recovery, such as pre-contemplation of the disorder, then contemplation and recognising you have a problem, preparation- getting ready to recover and then action- actively trying to recover.
Your moving through the stages and when your ready you`ll take that step to the next stage, the action stage.
When I was trying to gain weight I didnt focus so much on gaining weight, I focused instead on eating at least a certain amount of calories a day ( a guaranteed weight gain amount) and told myself I was doing this to get my body up and working and that weight gain was just going to be part of it, I knew I wasnt going to totally accept the gain but it had to happen for me to get my body working. That sounds a bit confusing but Im just trying to help by saying dont just focus on having to gain the weight.
Stressing and worrying isnt going to help you get over your sickness, so take a few days and really look after yourself, dont worry about your school work, you cant focus on it if your ill, it will be there when your feeling better.
Hang in there dear, I wish I could do more for you.
xox
Laura
do it for yourself, Eleanor. of course you want to please the ones you love, but that feeling won't stand a chance to the one you'll have when you know you've recovered for YOU. after all, it's YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR recovery.
hang in there, love.
you are so strong.
put that strength to use.
xoxo
Sweetheart..i realise it can feel like all thats happening is that you are getting pushed and pulled in different directions by everyone on the outside - added to that, you have your own Eleanor thoughts and decisions, added to that EDs constant contributions - is it any wonder you feel overwhelmed, confused, had it and sick to death of it ALL!!?
Being rundown and sick at the moment, then gets piled on top, and you end up with a feeling of sinking into quicksand, ways to reach up andget pulled free, but wondering if YOU want to be PULLED FREE FOR YOU or just for all those other hands reaching down!!
It becomes so confusing at this stage of recovery, especially when our bodies and body image seem so out of our control and are causing such internal and external pain and turmoil..
I do not want to start another rant, or preach session,I just need to say, you are IMMENSELY BRAVE, STRONG, GUTSY, DETERMINED - and if you can just HANG ON, HOLD TIGHT and BE DRAGGED UP A LITTLE OUT OF THE QUICKSAND, THINGS WILL BEGIN TO BE A LITTLE LESS MURKY, STICKY and UNBEARABLE.
Please try to TRUST THIS, sweet Eleanor, because if you can hold on, it will END UP BEING FOR Y-O-U!
mUCH LOVE,
Jennifer xx
Eleanor - first i just want to say how i admire your honesty throughout this post - i know what a struggle it is right now with everyone telling you what to do and you feel like you have to get better for them rather than yourself. My therapist told me that most people start to recover when they have something to "pull" them out of their Ed - like a specific goal - try and imagine what your life would be like if you never had this -
I know its not easy but i know you can definately do this!!!! You are such a strong, intelligent and honest person - hang in there and try and take one day at a time - things will get better - i promise!!!! Love you lots !!!! aimee
oh darling, it saddens me so to see you struggling. you deserve recovery, you deserve to be happy! feel better sweetie. you CAN do this. we just need to get you out of this funk and you'll be well on your way down the unknown path to freedom.
love you so so much beautiful <3
"I'm not waiting for someone to tell me, I'm waiting for people to stop telling me," really spoke to me.
You have beautiful writing and though you may feel like your world is crashing down on you because you have to live up to what everyone else wants from you (or EXPECTS from you) just remember that no one will ever be able to judge you accurately.
You know yourself at best. You need to make decisions for yourself! That in itself is a difficult task (and trust me, I know it first hand).
Keep fighting for yourself. You won't let yourself down because in the end, it will always be you. Just you.
http://levianacoccia.blogspot.com
Oh dear Eleanor, everything will start looking up. The fact that you can so clearly distinguish these thoughts and sort through your head like this, is phenomenal. The last line of this post is perfect: Nothing is impossible. You're going to win, beautiful, I love you! -Kylee
It sounds like you've reached a confusing point of your recovery - you know what needs to change, you know what you need to do, but you're hearing different things from all over the place and it's just difficult to focus on the fight. But it's plain and clear you want nothing more than to be rid of that ridiculously negative and destructive part of your mind.
But when push comes to shove, you need to recover for yourself. Life is waiting. You write so beautifully, your honesty is so refreshing and I can tell what a fantastic person you are, from your own comment to me especially! Keep fighting, my dear. Keep pushing. You're so right, the changes that are occuring are needed. The only way you'll truly be able to 'reap the rewards' of life will be if you keep at it and keep reminding yourself of what you need to do. I have so much faith in you, I can see your strength shining through. I love the way you ended this post on a positive note.
Keep at it, not for anyone else, but for you. Because you deserve this.
Tina xx
Sometimes in the initial stages, you have to recover for the people around you. When I first took the plunge into weight gain, I didn't do it for myself. I did it for my mom… I didn't have enough self-worth to want to get better for personal reasons, but I couldn't stand the amount of grief that I was causing her and that motivated me. Slowly, as I started to gain weight and start seeing things a lot more clearly, I realized how much I deserved a healthy and happy life. I started to recover for myself, instead of anyone else.
I know you feel like you should be doing this for yourself, but sometimes you have to do what is necessary in order to get better. Using the people around you to motivate you isn't a bad thing, Eleanor… you are simply recognizing that you need more help than you can offer yourself.
Thank you for the shout out… I really hope that one day you can look in the mirror and see yourself as you truly are; extremely beautiful and completely worthwhile. Highlight the good instead of nit-picking the bad. You are an amazing girl, and deserve to feel that way.
I love you sweetie, keep pushing through!
xox
Tat
Hey Eleanor! So I just wanted to comment on your post again to let you know that your comment on my blog was absolutely amazing.
You lifted my spirits--as corny as that sounds.
Thank you so much!!
http://levianacoccia.blogspot.com
**hugs** It's so hard to figure this out--I know that for me I was never sure who I was recovering for or even why I was recovering. And I kept looking and looking for some kind of clear sign of what I should do the whole time I was sick, and part of what eventually pushed me to recover was slowly realizing that there was no clear path. There was never going to be any magic time when I would know how to recover. I think it's just a long, hard process, and I wish I could make it easier. And I know how frustrating it is when everyone else seems to have all the answers for you and want to tell you what to do.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now and I hope you get over being sick soon!
Beautiful Eleanor,
I find venting on my blog to be very therapeutic as well. It helps to get feedback and just say whatever you want to, esp in a blog community like this where almost everyone seems so understanding!
I understand the feelings of recovering for everyone except yourself. That's how my recovery started. I was recovering for my mom. Eventually (and I'm still grasping this), I started recovering for myself because I WANT to live and I definitely can't do that with an eating disorder!
You will get through this, Eleanor. I have faith in you.
~ Catherine
*hugs* eleanor.. im the same way- drawn to mirrors not out of vanity but out of self-conciousness... its a hard habit to break yourself of, but im glad you are venting- instead of holding it all in,
anti-biotics can make you bloated, they mess with my stomach so bad.. try eating yogurt when you take them..
HI ladyy,
I understand your cries of despair, the obsessions with 'body checking' and the daunting tricks the mirror plays. It's overwhelming, it causes excruciating pain. And it all feels so real-- it feels like ME, not an 'ED'. BUT, whether it's 'us' or ED, we have a CHOICE. We have the choice to walk away from the mirror, to redirect our thoughts and to seek the life we want so desperately. It sucks, it's hard, and it's scary-- the eating disorder is so comfortable, it's what we're used to. But the end result WILL be worth it, you deserve it. So keep fighting the good fight, and if you need someone to talk to, i'm ALWAYS here.
<3 youu
bec
Hey again, I was wondering if you could help me out with an assignment? E-mail me for details at lcocci01@guelphhumber.ca
Thanks<3
http://levianacoccia.blogspot.com
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