Sometimes I just want everything to disappear.
The stress,
The attention,
The expectations,
The anxieties,
The trivials,
The unimportant,
The secrets,
The lies,
The hurt,
The pain,
The sadness,
The hate,
The thoughts,
The voices,
The need to be perfect.
Me.
There is no end to the list of things I wish to be erased.
I feel sick to my stomach. Sick with indecision, sick with stress, sick with exhaustion, sick with denial.
There is no cause, therefore no cure.
But ah, could it be, could it be at all possible, that this feeling of sickness is in fact a starving brain and a starving body, crying out in hungered agony? Could it be that my constant thoughts of food are signs that I am not getting enough of it? Could this exhaustion be due to a body not properly nourished?
Could this screaming mind, this aching body, this hollow thud of a heart, be signalling that I am not taking care of myself in the way I should be?
I'm stressed when I am hungry, I'm stressed when I am full.
I am anxious about choosing foods to eat, which ends with me gorging on much too much eventuating in a bloated & sick stomach, triggering hurtful voices, thoughts and feelings.
I want to be brave and strong. I want to be independent and responsible.
I want to fight and win.
But how, how can I be these things when I continue to doubt myself?
I am scared. The feeling itself is something feared.
Am I dealing? Am I coping?
What if I don't do well? What if I fall? What if I fail? What if I can't?
What if, what if, what if?
What if I believe in myself?
This might just be a down day.
This might just be a down week.
This might just be the shock I need to wake myself up, to realize I'm not invincible, I'm not superior, I can't live off water and air.
I am human. I am a fragile human, but a human nonetheless.
Humans live. They don't just exist.
9 comments:
Certainly an eating disorder deludes us into thinking we are invincible. But we are not, you are not. There's only so much the body can cope with.
Low mood is more often than not a consequence of the effects of starvation and low weight, as is difficulty in processing thoughts and feelings.
All you can do is give recovery a try. See what it's like. No one fails by trying.
I believe in you, I have since I started reading your blog, and you should believe in you too ;)
Sarah x
Eleanor - the fact that you are taking a stand and becoming responsible for your own life is going to hurt both physically and mentally.. there is no doubt about it.
Your body is going to ache, and your mind is going to question why you are torturing your own body. I found that when I threw restriction out the window, my body's response was almost discouraging - the bloating, the exhaustion, the depression.. it's like everything rushes in at once and you almost want to crawl back and hide behind the security blanket that is ED.
You're not numb anymore Eleanor, and this is something to rejoice. That void that was there is slowly filling in with emotions and pain and you are finally being exposed to life like a real human being. You are a beautiful, living and breathing, human being and you are going to get the life you deserve as long as you push through this difficult stuff.
I love you girl, you can do this. I promise.
<3 Tat
I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I am glad though you are questioning yourself to see if you are eating enough, that at least shows that you do care for yourself enough, even with all those horrible struggles with the ED voice and the horrible food thoughts. I wish I could take it all away from every girl that feels this way, make it so we don't feel like this anymore. One day I hope that you will be free of this, that I will be free of this and that we are happy and well and going well with our lives. Take care of you!
*hugs*
Sarah
Your body is very much crying out for more nourishment, hun, in any and every way that it can. The depression. The constant food obsessions. The fatigue. Those are all signs that you need more.
We cannot live on water and air, and even if we could... where's the fun in that? It gives me so much hope, though, that you're starting to question all of these things and a seed of hope should be growing in you, as well. You can do this, love.
Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, it will push you to the veery limits of your sanity. Yes, you will question why the hell you're doing this... But give it time, and the answers will come. Everything will start to make more sense as your mind begins to heal.
So push forward, hun. Despite the doubt. Despite the fear. Despite the discomfort. Push forward towards a better life; one that you deserve.
it WILL all disappear. All that anxiety, stress, depression - but you have to get your body right back to its happy place, or everything will stay the same.
I took a yoga class once where the teacher said "Take this time to just be. We spend so much of our days doing, but we are not called human doings. We are human-beings."
It was a very beautiful, simple quote that inspires me everyday.
I know you think it's a bad week, or a bad day, but you know what they say: "Every passing second is a chance to turn it all around."
Colleen
Thanks for this post Eleanor. I cant leave an encouraging comment like everyone else-i have been feeling that way lately too...but you put in to words what I wanted to say. And it opened my eyes in a sense. You are beautifully creative with your words...thanks! :)
Maddi
xxx
Hey sweetie I'm glad that you realise that sometimes you have to take time to just be.
This is something that I am majorly guilty of.
With time it will get better. You will get there. I have faith in you!
xxxx
Oh sweetie, you know how much I can relate to this post. How a lot of us can. I know the stress of all this is so sickening and we wish it to all just dissapear but everyday we spend fighting, everyday we dedicate time to bettering ourselves shows our brilliant self-worth. Show the world your wonderful self, Eleanor. Your beautiful, healthy, wholesome self. The one you have every single right to become.
Never doubt yourself, sweetie. I know you can do this.
<3
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