Wants.

I am sick of being questioned.

I am sick of being told what to do.

I am sick of doing what I have been told to do.

I am sick of being doubted.

I am sick of being bombarded with accusations.

I am sick of people jumping to conclusions.

I am sick of being sick.

This week has been hard. There's no doubt about that. It has been hard.

Going back to school from the holidays has been hard enough. Getting back into the swing of things, the stress that comes with school work and homework, the demands. The claustrophobia, people everywhere, people I don't know, constantly comparing myself.

To add on to that already massive load, this week I've been completely independent of my food intake. Completely, 100% responsible for myself. This independence has been amazing. It's changed the way I think and how I feel about myself, my life, my future, my health. I've loved it; doing it for me, without having to depend on someone else to prepare my meals and do everything for me - having my independence. Being independent.

It's been great, but it has also been hard.
Extremely hard. Extremely challenging.

There has always been that voice in my head, that thought, that... Presence. When the opportunity presents itself to potentially skimp on food - skip here, have a little less there, no one will know no one will know no one will know - straight away I'm bombarded with those possibilities, those options, and sometimes it becomes a little overwhelming.
I like to think I've pushed through and made progress... But there is a doubt in the back of my mind that can be clearly read on the faces of my parents, the doubt that I haven't made progress, I've slipped back instead.

Tomorrow's the day I find out if I've lost or gained weight. This week has been a trial period, to see how I go.

I want so much to have put on weight, or at least to have maintained. This is something I would not even have considered a few months ago. The fact that I want to have put on weight, truly and honestly, should count for something, shouldn't it?
If I haven't put on weight, or if I've lost weight, I will be disappointed, ashamed, sadened. And I know that my parents will be disappointed. They're goign to be ashamed. And I'm so afraid that this independence will be taken from me.

I want more than anything to prove to my parents that I can do it, that I can do this for myself, I can be responsible for myself.

I want to prove to my dietitian that I can do it, I want to proce to my therapist that I can do it.

I want to prove to myself that I can do it.

I know I could have done so much better this week. I know I could have.

There was a pressure from my parents that I really felt uncomfortable with, a weight bearing down on me that sometimes got too much for me to handle.
I wish I could go back and do this week again.

I want so badly to have put on weight.

I can't have lost.

I can't.

It would mean so much to me to see a higher number on the scale. A slight gain, any sort of gain. I wish I could let my parents know that. I wish they would believe me.

I want to do this. I really want to do this.

I hope I can.

love, love, love.