Seventeen has always seemed like a really 'awkward' age to be. It's a step above the "Sweet Sixteen" and a step below the "Legal Adult Eighteen". It's a year of waiting. A year of yearning to be legally classified as an adult.
In exactly seven days I will be turning the awkward age of seventeen, and to be honest, I am terrified. It's almost a resistance to wanting to age, to "grow up". Just that little bit closer to being fully independent; an adult.
Although it frustrates me to no end that I'm so much more mature than my age, and all the people my age, I'm frightened of moving onwards and upwards - it's another change, another unknown.
Rationally, this day next week is going to be like any other day. I'm not going to feel any older. But it's the knowing I'm older that scares me, I think.
I haven't really made much sense.
To put it frankly; I'm not excited about my birthday, because it serves as a reminder of how long I've been living this half-life.
This time last year, I was sitting at head of the table in front of a chocolate cake I wasn't going to eat, pretending to be happy. I vaguely remember crying at some point during the afternoon, too.
It's not a fond memory. Not the "Sweet Sixteen" most 15 year old girls dream about.
Next year, I'm going to look back on this year's birthday and remember only feigned happiness. No birthday cake, no happy smiles, no family together-ness. A disjointed, "Let's get this over and done with" afternoon. I'll blow out the candle on an imaginary cake, say goodbye to another year, and pretend to make a wish.
I want to look forward to my birthday.
I want to plan a party.
I want to celebrate with friends.
I want to smile.
I want to laugh.
I want to feel alive.
I don't want any presents. I'm not getting any, anyway.
But being asked by friends "what do you want?" frustrates me.
I honestly don't want anything, because I don't need anything.
It's just another day. A day of unwanted attention.
I sound so depressive. Really, I'm not.
I'm just not riding the "It's My Birthday!" wave.
Maybe next year, I will.
My birthday wish?
To make the year to come one worth remembering.
love, love, love.
13 comments:
Not everyone wants a fuss on their birthday, but everyone deserves a fuss if they truly want it. You deserve to celebrate your special day in a way that makes you happy, and I suspect the ED is telling you not to celebrate it at all.
I like your birthday wish, and there ARE positive things you can do to make your birthday special if you want. I spent my last birthday in a clinic, but ironically it was the best birthday ever, because I had truly embraced recovery. I ALLOWED myself to ask for balloons, and a cake, I ALLOWED myself to go shopping with my mum, wear a bright cheery outfit, and ACCEPT cards and gifts from others. Because I finally came to believe that I deserved these nice things just as much as everyone else.
You too deserve those things, or anything else you might secretly hope or wish for. I know you are still finding things hard right now, but this doesn't mean that you can't do something nice for yourself to mark the super seventeen, even if it's just something small. Allow yourself to enjoy something about the day, because at the very least you deserve a little bit of happiness.
Say goodbye to regrets and self loathing, and make this birthday a celebration of all you have achieved so far (and you have achieved lots), the nice things about you, and your hopes for the future.
Please don't turn your back on a chance to celebrate how fantastic you are :-)
Sarah x
I hope one day you can love your birthday like I do. Mine is for the presents that my husband buys me and he is an awesome present buyer. I'm lucky in that my ED started a lot older in life, so I didn't get to miss out on 16, 18 and 21 (let's just stop there though, lol). I really do though seriously hope you get to enjoy it one day, even if it has nothing to do with food or your body but everything to do with how much people care about you, even though you struggle to give yourself that. One day you will, I know you will!
*hugs*
Sarah
Eleanor!
Personally, I am already eighteen, and still feel like a twelve year old most days. A lot of my eating disorder was a resistance within me to grow up, but I realize now that I don't ever really have to grow up. I can stay a kid forever, because age really has nothing to do with the soul inside… I do however, have the responsibility to let my body reflect my physical age.
You will get your wish Eleanor, and you can make it happen because you have control over your life even if it doesn't always feel that way. Want to know how you can ensure that the year to come will be worthwhile? Start now by doing something for yourself that makes you feel wonderful. Ob your birthday, wear a dress if it will make you feel pretty… paint your nails if it will make you feel girly… eat a slice of cake if it will make you feel confident… take a bubble bath if it will make you feel relaxed… read a book if it will make you feel happy…
You need to learn to treat yourself, and not just only on your birthday… that can just be a starting point :)
I love you girl! You can make this birthday count, I promise!
<3 Tat
Hello sweetie.
Wow, This feels EXACTLY as though I do. I find you always describe how im feeling so well!!
I am 18 on Sunday, and totally terrified. In now way am I excited!
I guess we can get through this together, and be hopeful for what is yet to come.
Keep strong beautiful girl.
Love always,
Rhiannon xoxo
I just turned 18 a month ago.
It's not all that exciting really.
I feel the same way about my birthday. I just don't like celebrating it. I like celebrating other peoples birthdays though.
Don't worry 17 isn't all that bad.
I really enjoy reading your blog and can't wait to follow it!
I would love it if you could come check out my blog and follow :)
Jenna
you put in to words EXACTLY how I felt about my birthday! :/ I hated the feeling...But you should look forward to this birthday because I believe you have made huge progress since last year! Enjoy the day! :)
Maddi
xxx
I felt this way about several of my birthdays as well. I saw them only as another day in which I was supposed to be happy but couldn't be... another reminder that I didn't have the life I wanted.
But you know what I've come to realize? The life you want is out there waiting for you to take it, but you have to allow yourself to have it first. You have to tell yourself that it's okay to be happy. It's okay to smile. It's okay for others to do nice things for you... It's okay because you deserve it and you have to start truly believing that you do.
You're so beautiful, talented, and strong Eleanor, and it kills me to see that you don't give yourself the credit that you're due.
I do hope that you get your birthday wish, and I hope you start to let yourself feel that happiness that you deserve.
oh darling, the age is just a number! just as weight is my love.
that number does not define you, what you must do and how you must act. YOU define that. don't let your birthday have you running in the other direction -- it should be a celebration! it may not feel like it, but you have come so far this past year. i love you. stay strong hun.
You totally deserve to have an awesome birthday whether you want one or not :P lol just kidding! I love birthdays I wish you lived near me so I could throw you a party. It's my favorite thing to do, I love making people feel special on their birthdays!
Holy smokes! hah im such a nerd..I cannot believe you are 17..oh to be young again. haha your so young girl don't feel old you have so much to look forward too. These are your hardest years, your'll get it sorted out. trust me!
Dana <3
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
Been there done that, its just another step in life, as is 18 as much as the idea scares me and always has, its going to happen, we can not achieve what we want in life by never changing and growing.
accept all the love you are given on your birthday you deserve it
I can relate with you so much!
My birthday is on Monday, although I'm turning 19, in a way I am dreading it. The rather unwanted attention and gifts.. the fact I am just that much older than last year. And the fact that, sadly not much has changed at all.
But Eleanor, you don't have to wait to enjoy it, you absolutely deserve to look forward to it. You deserve to enjoy your youth, you deserve to laugh, with family with friends, and enjoy a piece of your own birthday cake.
As daunting as it seems, it's taking you towards a healthy relationship with food and further away from the awful darkness of ED. You deserve to be showered with love on your birthday. It's celebrating you as a person and that, Eleanor, makes you extremely special.
Oh, I can relate to this. I have had three birthdays which served as a reminder of the fact that I was not your "usual youth". I knew that birthdays were one of those days where I had to put on a smile and cute dress, and that we were to act like a happy family. Inside of my head there was darkness, ignorance..just another day, but a day with extra fear as there were cakes and fuzz. Unwanted attention. Knowledge of that people thought " Well, maybe this year she will become healthy again. " A day full of pressure.
My wish for you is that you do not feel pressured to do anything. Take it as a day, a day where there will be decisions to make. Just like every day in recovery. There will be another birthday. Stop and breathe. Ask yourself what you want out of life. Don't foucs on what day it is, every day is a day to recover. Every day is a day for change.
You are strong, and you are beautiful regardless of your age or what day it is.
Stay strong Eleanor, and take it day by day. Meal by meal. Gradually gaining strength, confidence and hope.
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