...Rationality and irrationality fight like cat and dog.
Wars are raging,
tears are shed,
People are hurt,
harsh words are said.
Old scars open up,
old wounds seep,
Daughters become strangers,
mothers weap.
(Warning: extremely long rant/post ahead)
When the going gets tough, the harsh realities of the situation are exposed, in turn making the current situation a much more uncomfortable and painful place to be.
Being exposed to these realities can work both for and against the mind's rational & irrational sides.
There is the realization that things aren't what & how they were assumed and thought to be, which can lead to a positive attitude and actions or a negative attitude and actions - but that's the same for anything, really.
Realizing things are worse than originally thought is a kick in the guts. Like being kicked right in the face by the foot you'd been kissing or being slapped across the face by the hand you once clung to for support.
Realizing that you were living on a false sense of success, that all your hard work was not hard work at all... realizing that you'd convinced yourself into believing what you were doing was right - it poses the question of whether you're strong enough to support yourself.
These realizations can be used as motivation to get back on track:
You've seen that there is a way to go and you know what it will take to get there, but you know that you can do it, with help.
These realizations can also be abused:
It's "proof" that you can't do it alone. You're useless and hopeless, because you haven't done a good enough job and you haven't tried hard enough, so there's no point in continuing because ultimately it will lead to more failure.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I realized that I've been convinced into thinking I was eating enough to gain weight by the 'other voice' in my head, and through that realization I (and my parents/dietitian) have discovered I'm not yet strong enough to hold my own and look after myself - confidentally and healthily.
I lost weight this week.
Yes, I was extremely disappointed. Yes, I cried. Yes, I am ashamed of myself. Yes, I feel like a failure.
But
I haven't lost my determination to get better and move forward in life.
The food independence has been taken from me, for the time-being. I know rationally that being helped isn't a sign of weakness or lack of ability/responsibility. But there is another side of my brain (mine or not mine, I don't know) that's telling me I can do it by myself. Then there is the irrationality which is doing everything it can do work against my parents. The refusal, resistance... I don't want to make things harder than they already are.
Realizing the Eating Disorder is still so strong has really, really hurt me.
I don't want to be ruled over by something that is not my own.
I don't want to live my life like this.
I also don't want anyone to live my life for me and make all the decisions for me.
God, the going really has gotten tough.
I don't know how I'll make it through this week.
But I'll try.
8 comments:
I wish I could help some how, I hate to see you struggle. I know how it feels, i've been there. You'll make it threw, just remember your not alone. Their are others going threw this. Others who made it threw this. I've had terrible weeks before. You just have to keep pushing forward. Distract yourself a bit, watch a good movie. Do something you like. Try to get your mind off of constantly thinking about your ED. That always helps me..
thinking of you & hope things get better..
Dana <3
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
i love you so much eleanor.please stay strong. i know you are struggling, but you CAN do this.
For every difficult week there is a better one waiting. Being independent for your own eating is no easy feat, but eventually you will find your way, find it in you to give yourself the nourishment you need and deserve. Always believe in brighter things. Rough patches are always interspersed with some kind of sunshine and lighter moments, and the more you push through and learn from times like this, the more accessible the happier stuff will become.
You've demonstrated strength and determination on many occasions, and you can continue to do so. You have the power to do this, it's just a case of finding a path that works for you.
Hugs
Sarah x
Eleanor!
I can't tell you how many times in the beginning where I tricked myself into thinking that I was eating enough. The gap between deciding to be responsible and actually being responsible for my health was about three to four months... and looking back now I realize how totally understandable that is. You don't have to be perfect, you can't be perfect because you are completely human. Losing weight this week does NOT make you a failure, I promise.
So, you had the responsibility taken away... that doesn't mean you can't get it back when you feel mentally prepared. Recovery is a process, and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. One thing is for sure, you are going to beat this.
I love you girl :)
<3 Tat
I admire you. so so much.
our bodies are crazy sometimes... gaining and losing without our permission, but we mnust trust the process. we must not let one week stop us from our goals.
that determination helps make you the rock star I nkow you are <3
Hun, having your food independence taken away from you is definitely not a sign of weakness; an ED is so much stronger than most people realize, and getting as much help as we can is always in our best interest.
I remember thinking that recovery would be an absolute breeze; that I could just snap my fingers and start being normal again whenever I felt like it. Boy was I wrong. I know it really sucks admitting to yourself that this is so much stronger than you originally anticipated it to be, but it's also a necessary step in recovery... it will show you just how hard you have to fight to beat this thing.
These kind of realizations are uncomfortable, yes, but they're also necessary. We can't live in a dream world and expect to make progress by lying to ourselves. It's hard, hun, but you can do it. Many have done it, and many are in the process of doing it. Be patient and kind to yourself <3
Eleanor,
to let someone else be responsible for your food is the most responsible you can do right now. It is an act made out of love and caring for your body and health.
It is damn hard. We have an intense desire to be in control, especially when it comes to food. When I started to work with an dietitian last winter I was so mad for the food I had to eat, that there was no way I could make it myself. My mother made each single meal for several months. In the beginning I acted like a monster, angry, upset, hurting myself and everybody around myself. It gave me a feeling of being 5 years old again, except that I was not 5 years old. And my eating disorder hated all the food out of intense fear. My mother almost had to use force.
Gradually it got better as my body and mind relaxed more, it found the situation acceptable. Almost relaxing. No more did I have to stress about what to eat, my mother took that part. Since about one month back I have been allowed to be responsible for my own eating once again, though under surveillance. It feels very positive, as it function as a security that I do the right thing regarding nutrition and help me establish new, healthy patterns.
Thinking of you champ, feel free to contact me anytime if you have any questions regarding feeling "controlled" by other,
Hedda.
Eleanor, you beautiful girl.
Do not sell yourself short! You have made an insane effort, you always do, and that deserves praise.
You haven't failed, love. This is just a tiny bump in the road. I know you can keep going. Because you want to. You want it so bad.
Please don't get yourself down, no matter how hard it is, you will get through it. "When the going gets tough, the tough get going!" And you are one of the toughest I know.
Make these intelligent realizations , the positive ones, worth the time. You can do this.
Please believe in yourself.
<3
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