There are too many possible excuses I could use as to why I have been so absent from my blog as of late. I could say that I've been busy, I could say that I've not had time, I could say that I've been focusing on school work, I could say I've been out there living my life and not felt the need to blog… But they would all be lies.
I have no excuses. I can't even say I've been 'afraid' of blogging, for fear of jinxing my positivity or sounding like a failure. I just… Haven't. And that's that. I haven't blogged because I haven't. That is my excuse.
* * *
She woke up slowly, unaware of the time. Her alarm hadn't been set for almost a week, because there was no point in her getting up at the crack of dawn; she needed the extra hours of sleep and she savoured them. When her mind had fully woken up – or at least, woken up as much as possible in the still early hours of the morning – she was instantly hit by an overwhelming feeling of fear. Laying in her bed, she knew exactly how her day would follow through. She knew the things that would be in it, she knew the course of events, she knew what she'd be eating, who she'd be seeing, what she'd say and how she'd feel. She knew all of this, because that was how each and every one of her days panned out. Her life was a cycle; a never-ending cycle of monotony. She lay in bed, working through her day, dreading it.
And then she got up, to face the same day she'd faced the day before.
* * *
In the two or three weeks that I've been gone, so much has happened. I had one extremely good week in which I felt on top of the world, followed by a crash-and-burn week, in which I lost weight. And now, I am in the recuperation week in which I pick myself up, dust myself off and try to start again. To say I'd been riding an emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement; all my life I have had ups and downs, but never before have I experienced the turbulence I have now found myself caught up in. Riding the Recovery Rollercoaster is exhausting, and walking the path to a 'better life' has left me somewhat lost, worn out and ready to plonk my ass down and rest for a while. Realistically I know that if I do rest, it will only be harder to get myself back up and going onward again, so instead of plonking my ass down I am taking it excruciatingly slowly; dragging my feet through the dirt, one after the other, in a pitiful state.
Somewhere during my "Blogger Break" , I got drunk for the first time. Somewhere during my break, I became a girlfriend again. Somewhere during my break, I lost weight, and somewhere during my break I began to gain it back again.
But all throughout this break of mine, I have been struggling to figure out just who I am and who I want to be. I often ask myself where I want to go in life, and the answers are always different. To get anywhere, I have to pass this year at school, which at the moment is looking very unlikely.
I have absolutely no motivation.
I have found myself in this mentality, which may be familiar: If I can't do it perfectly, there's no point doing it at all.
Yes. The "All Or Nothing" mentality. It's poisonous, it's deadly; it's best friends with procrastination.
I have two very unhelpful mentalities in my mind, both of which are hindering my progress both academically and recovery-wise. In other words, I'm in a funk, and I'm starting to drown.
Too much is going on in my head to make sense of. I've tried, and I've failed numerous times. I'm still so resistant to giving up my eating disorder, and that scares me. There is not one good thing I can name about having this ailment, yet I'm holding onto it like a child holds onto its favourite stuffed animal. My eating disorder is so far from a cuddly, comforting stuffed toy but the attachment I have to it makes it seem so. I am terrified of letting go, because I don't know what lies on the other side. I won't know what's on the other side if I don't give myself the chance of finding out!
My rational and irrational minds are raging away inside my head and to be honest, I'm sick of it. I was always sick of it but it's reached breaking point.
I want my life back. Or at least, I want a fresh, new, exciting and positive life.
I still haven't given up. I have latched on to the tiny ray of hope that I've been given by the support I've been shown through the Blog World. And I won't let go.
11 comments:
Oh Eleanor!
I've missed you :)
... I always say that there is no shame in slipping, as long as you pick yourself up again. What you've been through has been so intense, that I would almost be worried if you were going on some sort of emotional ride right now. Our bodies are amazing, but they can only take in so much at one time... school, weight gain, weight loss, socializing, and challenging ourselves are all so hard. You should be really proud of the steps you have taken these past few weeks, even if they didn't necessarily turn out.
You are so beautiful - your words are so profound and I will always admire your writing skills. Keep that beautiful chin up, because you are so close to being in the clear.
Love you!
<3 Tat
I too have missed your writing, and well done for seeing the slip and picking yourself back up again. Believe me when I say there is no such thing as a perfect recovery, just as there is no such thing as the perfect life. You have to make recovery your own, and everyone has ups and downs, metaphorially and literally! I realised my own relapse a few months ago and have been fighting my way back ever since. It's not easy to overcome this, but each time you fight, you get stronger and better at doing this. Each time you fall, you get better at picking yourself up again.
You will make it, and of course motivation will waver, but when you get to that wonderfully healthy point, you get a taste of how amazing life can actually be, which is what is motivating me towards getting back to where I was at the beginning of this year.
Sarah x
Eleanor,
I have thought a lot about you lately, hoping that you were doing good down under.
First of all, I must ask you one question : Do you find that it is benefitial for your recovery and health to study at the moment?
Recovery is hard, nobody needs to tell you that. Recovery demands your FULL attention for some time to come, forcing you to truely focus on this fight. Because if you lose the fight, you lose your life. Have you thought about taking a break from school this semester?
Recovery is ups and downs, and there is no clear answer to when we feel with every heart beat that we want to let go of our ED. Maybe we should not expect that feeling either. Try to accept that there are parts of you who are holding on all they can to these destructive forces, because they provide them with something. Your eating disorder served, and serves functions in your life. What are they? Can you find something else that can give you what your ED has provided so far?
You are not just disorded though, you are health too Eleanor. You have more health and strength within you than you might think or feel at the moment. Your body does not want to die, nor does your brain. They both want to live and fight, but ED is so dominant that is almost lies there as an Iron curtain over the healthy voices.
Trust those who want to support you. Their advices are uncomfortable and frightening, but they are the only way back to life.
You keep fighting, Eleanor - promise me. You are beautiful and bright, the world needs you.
<3
So often, you are able to succinctly put all my thoughts into words. Likewise with this post in relations to the struggles I am going through, which are glaringly similar to yours.
' I am terrified of letting go, because I don't know what lies on the other side.' - This is what I fear too and it makes me want to hold on so badly onto the disordered eating even though I know it's taking away everything from me, slowly but surely.
You're right though. To stop and take a break is only going to allow ED to seize the opportunity to take control again so even though it may feel like the hardest thing to do, to drag our feet forward is a must right now.
The emotional rollercoaster you've been going through may be because you are starting to feel again. It's scary but good. Keep on keeping on and eventually, the emotions will start to settle and be less erratic.
Take care hun and apologies for the mega-long comment! Lol.
You're gorgeous. You're strong. And you're loved dear Eleanor! Never, ever give up!
XOXO
You will make it. Because I read the "I wants" and I think yes, because this shows you have hope. You want to break out. And the desire to do something is the first step! And life is better than anything ED can offer, I promise.
stay strong babygirl!! you can do this <3 love you so so much.
Never let go of something you KNOW will make you stronger. Right now, that is food, school, and finding a "happy place." I completely agree when you say recovery puts you on an emotional roller coaster, and it's amazing that you're picking yourself up. Everyone has that cycle during recovery--- I've felt the motivation and positivity, only to have it followed by a dark depression in which all the progress I made crashes down around me. Like you said, the only option is to pick yourself up and dust off. It's up to you and only you, but I'm always here to help, never forget that!
Although I don't really drink myself, or even support that at all really, I think it's good that you did. Everyone needs new experiences. That's part of life. I've had a drink before, and I've learned from it. Granted I have never been drunk before, but now that you have, you can learn whether or not it's something you're "about" or not. Whatever path in life you choose to lead, it can be the right one as long as you are absolutely happy with it. I'm happy if you're happy. I'm happy if you liked it, and I'm happy if you learned that you don't like it.
I want you to make it a goal for this week to learn something new about ELEANOR this week. Despite your emotional roller coaster, you exist too. You deserve to grow throughout your recovery, and I hope you do.
LOVE ALWAYS,
♥Alexandra
Hey sweet girl! I've truly missed hearing from you. I have certainly been thinking about you, and I hope you know that I'm always here for you. You are an amazing girl, and I hope you continue to feel motivated and inspired in recovery. I believe in you, dear!
Hi Eleanor,
Thanks so much for your comment! I just spent time reading through your posts and you're an amazing writer. I can't wait to read more :) (I apologize if this is the second comment I left you, I'm not sure my first one went through or not.)
You're so right, recovery is so scary because ED basically becomes your identity. In recovering you're basically discovering yourself. That's terrifying. Personally I don't even know what I'd fill my thoughts with if I didn't have food on the brain 24/7.
The recovery rollercoaster is also something that is so hard. Even on my good days I find myself anxious in anticipation of the next day, hoping that it won't be bad. It just becomes exhausting. Having a brain that is exhausted from obsessive thoughts AND malnourished is a lethal combination.
Although you feel like you're in a funk right now, stay strong! Reverting back to ED for comfort might relieve stress in the moment but try to think of where it will take you in the long run. Nothing that is lasting and positive can come from an ED. Nothing. You're so much stronger than you even know, you can do this! You're worth it :)
Sarah
You are so articulate- I can relate to so much of what you say in this post, especially: "I am terrified of letting go, because I don't know what lies on the other side." The unknown about recovery is what is scary to me, too, but you're absolutely right- you have to give yourself the opportunity to find out what it will be like- and if everything I hear about full recovery is true, what lies on the other side is the fresh, new, exciting and positive life that you are seeking. I am proud of you for holding onto the ray of hope- you are so strong, you can do this!!! We all can, and will.
I have missed you and your posts, even though you do not personally know me.
I send you all wishes of happiness and good health your way, as I am in the midst of fighting this evil battle as well. I always keep in mind a bright future for myself.
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