There’s no explanation or forewarning.

Unfamiliarity, uncertainty, hopelessness; overwhelmed with emotion but somehow deadened to all feeling.

When the foundations upon which your whole life was built start to crumble, what are you left with but the pieces of was your everything? What do you do with those pieces? How do you start to build again when you haven't even the strength to lift your head up above the rubble? And why, why do you take on all the responsibility of it?

This is my life at the moment. And it pains me – frustrates and annoys me – to start off a blog post with such depressing words. A black cloud looms above my life, threatening to tumble down with the hardest, heaviest and most destructive rain. It darkens every one of my days – a smile is always regretted, a laugh inconceivable, fun unheard of.

There has been too much going on to even begin to explain where I've been, what I've done, how far I've come or fallen back. There have been ups, downs, weight gains and losses, body image misery, physical strengthening and mental weakening… A barrel full of events and emotions to match every occasion.
There has been a major upheaval of my once comfortable family life. My parents – mother especially – has completely lost her way in the world, and with it her love for my father. My father is trying with all his might to hold on to my mother, and to me, which is suffocating for both her and myself. Dad doesn't know what to do, and in his confusion he is clutching onto the preparation of my food intake with such dependence and obsessiveness that it is having a devastating effect on my love for and my connection with him.

My family is falling apart, and I know within me that when the time comes to choose, my choice will be my mother. For as long as I can remember, I have not had a proper relationship with her. She loves me, and always has, but up until recently we have never shared that special bond I hear so much about. I have that now, as I am growing up and becoming more mature and adult-like. I can't let go of that, and I can't be without her. That choice and decision breaks my heart because I feel like I'm making my Dad out to be a bad person. I hate that I have chosen one parent over the other – what sort of person does that? What sort of person doesn't want both parents when they have the option?

My eating disorder has become so much a part of my life that it's the only thing my Dad associates me with now. He doesn't think I am 'ready' to look after myself, he doesn't think me capable. I need to try. Having to depend on someone to get my food ready for me keeps me ingrained in this disease. The independence I crave has been muffled and shut away from me, because I'm 'not ready'. I will never be ready if I don't have the chance to. I hate being monitored, I hate being dependent, I hate being treated like a disease and not a human. I've come to a point in my life where I feel more adult that child, and more ready to be a part of this world. I want to be my own person in this world. It's the only thing I've got – I am the only person I have, especially now when my parents are both confused and battling with their own problems. I have become their problem; I am involved in this situation because I am emotionally and mentally mature enough to understand, but I will never be emotionally and mentally strong enough to cope with it. I know this is a dangerous time for me because I could easily let my health go the way-side, but I honestly can't deal with that anymore. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to die.

I'm further forward in recovery than I've ever been, yet Dad doesn't seem to think so. I weigh more now than ever before, but that's not enough? I don't know. I don't know anything, to be honest; that uncertainty, unfamiliarity and hopelessness goes deeper than my mind and heart. It is me. And that's something I have to deal with. I can't become someone elses problems. I can't become my own problems. I have to just become, and now of all times is the time to do it. When my parents are both fighting their own personal problems, I have no one I can fully rely on other than myself.

I'm talking myself around in circles. I don't even expect anyone to read this. Sending my thoughts out into the world wide web offers me some sense of relief. It's not my problem anymore, it's in the Universe's hands now.
I need to trust the Universe, if nothing else.