I cannot thank you all enough for the advice you have given me and the kindness you have shown me. I don't know how you all do it, but I am grateful. More than grateful. I am blessed, honoured and touched.
Thoughts don't have beginnings. Thoughts don't have endings. Thoughts simply come and go – in thinking about how to write down my feelings I am only lead to disappointment as my thoughts simply don't stay still. They drift in and out, like clouds passing over the blue sky above. Only my thoughts are heavy clouds, threatening rain, and my sky is not the happiest shade of blue but a pale, almost grey hue. Oh, some thoughts are bright and cheerful, such as the thoughts I have of my puppy, or a close friend. But the majority of my sky is dark and grey, heavy and weighed down, tainted.
I thought (here these thoughts come, again) that gaining weight would lead me to be happier and healthier. But the only thing I feel right this very minute is a hatred so deep that I cannot see the bottom of it. It weighs down my heart; my mind is being held hostage by this monstrous eating disorder and the thoughts are the darkest shade of hate.
I can feel myself growing, I can feel my body changing. Should I not be embracing that change? The transition from child to woman, curves and all. Why do I only see a body that is out of proportion? Why do I only see things that I hate? Why can't I love my thighs? Why can't I at least accept that I have heavy-set thighs?
These questions have no answers, and if they do it is one and the same: because the eating disorder is still strong.
Gaining weight is not a failure. The rational side of me knows this. The rational side of me knows that I am so much more than what my eating disorder tells me I am. I am much more than the shape of my body and the space between my thighs (which is steadily disappearing). I am much more than the amount of food I consume or do not consume. I am much more than my facial features, my hair, my skin and my bones.
I am me, Eleanor. But why can't I accept her?
***
I have gained some more weight. With that weight gain has come extremely loud hateful and self-loathing thoughts.
Watching my mother disappear right before my very eyes has made the weight gain hard to come to terms with. Time and time again I have tried to tell her how the weight loss has affected me and strengthened the eating disorder; time and time again I have tried telling her that her tiny, mini-meals make me feel like a glutton; time and time again I have tried telling her what this has all done to me, and time and time again she has not listened. She is stressed. She is depressed. I UNDERSTAND THAT. But it's almost as if she can't understand that her weigh loss has made me stressed and depressed. She is my mother, my role-model, my rock. Losing that makes my fight all the more harder, and I feel like giving in.
Getting away might solve some problems. But I will have to come back. I will be coming back to the same old mess. I want to get away forever.
I'm going to be under constant supervision while I am away. My freedom and independence is minimal. I am pretty much going from one hospital environment to another; my aunty will be supervising my meals, just as Dad did at home.
To be honest, I am terrified of going away. I am terrified of the meals I'll be eating, the amount I'll be eating, the weight I will gain and the way I will look upon returning.
Is this my fear, or is the eating disorder? I can't tell. It's becoming too hard to tell.
***
My thoughts are muddled. But what I am sure of is that the support I receive from you is enough to keep me going.
Thank you.
11 comments:
It's also really tough for me being around my mom when she goes on her sporatic "diets". She fills the house with weight loss books/dvds/pills, you name it. And it's really triggering for me. Sometimes she'll come home and not eat anything for the rest of the day, while I have to go on and eat tons more even though it feels wrong. You just have to keep your eye on the prize! You're going to be healthy! And it sounds like, much healthier than your mom.
Also I was reminded of my own situation late last year. When I was still struggling to start recovery, my mom and step dad seperated. My therapist at the time knew how stressfull that was ontop of recovery. My aunt and uncle called my mom and basically told her that I needed to get out of the house and move in with them for the time being. But I refused! I told my T, and she agreed that I needed stability right now, and uprooting everything would not be a good idea. I know that your situation is not exactly the same, but I do hope that such a drastic change during your recovery, won't hinder your progress.
Keep on fighting!!
<3 Tori
Eleanor,
Those negative thoughts are most definitely ed. Like you said at the beginning of your post, you KNOW you are so much more than you ed. You are Eleanor! And Eleanor is a wonderful, encouraging, compassionate, caring, giving, loving, smart, and talented woman. Ed might tell you otherwise, but you possess all those qualities! I can see these and so many more qualities in you just from reading your blogs and comments, I cannot even imagine how lucky your face-to-face friends are to have someone in their lives with such a caring and gifted spirit. You're so much more than ed tells you. SO much more!
If it's of any comfort, my thighs have been bumping against each other too these days. It's hard...but it's healthy. It's normal, and normal is good enough! Please please remember that. Ed tells us that being skinnier than everyone else is a sign of superiority and something to take pride in...but he's wrong! Being healthy, happy, and balanced is something to take pride in. Gaining weight does not make you a failure...it makes you a SUCCESS!
I know the thoughts of weight gain can be torturous. They torture me pretty frequently as well. Just remember, the more unhappy ed is, the more RIGHT you are doing. Ed doesn't want Eleanor to be happy...ed doesn't care about Eleanor. So pissing him off will most definitely be beneficial for Eleanor : ).
Hang in there hun! Please shoot me a message if you need anything or just simply want to talk. I'll be here! You are not alone!! : )
Sarah
Eleanor! I just want to reach through the computer screen and hug you!
I know exactly how you're feeling, it's really hard to focus on gaining when it seems like the world around you is focused on the opposite.
Currently I have my sister asking me how to lose weight 24/7 and making a big deal out of exercising and not eating much.
But what we have to focus on is being the best WE can be. How can we possibly be the best we can be if we're not healthy? being healthy means gaining weight.
We have to remember that everyones body is different, and everyone has different needs. It's really really hard to remember this when people around you are eating so little, but you have to try whatever you can to remember that you're not the same as they are and you have different goals.
You can do this Eleanor! Don't give up!
If you ever want someone to talk to, please please send me an email! Even if it's just for some reassurance :)
Have a fantastic weekend and keep your head up!
It's obviuosly your ED that makes all your thoughts gray, it's not you. You never noticed the change while you were losing weight, did you? And now you notice every milimeter you grow. Even if it is completely unnoticable, your ED tells you you are huge. But if you listen to this voice, you will never see the sun behind the clouds. Self-acceptance is hard to achieve but not impossible. If you keep fighting, you can do it despite of all the obstacles on your way.
I hope you feel the warmth of the sun on your skin soon.
Marina
dont give up eleanor, learning to love your body takes time. its ok. youll be ok. your body is smiling on the inside for its new found developing health, youll be able to smile back eventually.
this time away could be great 4 u.try to njoy it, we'll all be here regardless.
f
xx
Hey Eleanor :)
I've read several of your posts but I don't think I've commented much. I just wanted to tell you that I understand how difficult you must be finding the situation with your mum. My mum also got so wrapped up in her own pain that she was completely unable to support me while I was ill, and it's extremely difficult to keep up your progress in recovery while living in a triggering environment. I do want to tell you that in regards to the weight gain, your thoughts and feelings will get better. Anorexia is not a purely psychological disorder, there is a lot of biology involved and being underweight actually makes eating disordered thoughts worse - more circular, more intense. The only way out of it is to grit your teeth, keep telling yourself that your thoughts about weight are the product of the illness, not a reflection of reality, and get to a healthy weight. Now I've been weight restored for a year I quite like my body and I am not obsessed with food at all. It takes time for your mind and body to heal, things will improve so slowly that 1, 2, 5 or even 10lbs probably won't make a noticeable difference. But hang in there, please, because this does not have to be your life.
I hope your trip away goes well. I know you don't know me very well but I'm always more than happy to talk to anyone in recovery - my email is katie_cullinane@hotmail.com
xxx
The truth is that weight gain gives you the right frame of mind to feel happiness… but it doesn't give you instant happiness. Getting healthy is hands down the most important part of recovery, because only than can you actually start healing the brain and digging up all the emotional crap that's there.
It sucks to constantly be consumed with thoughts of weight. Gaining at a steady rate can be really hard on anyone emotionally, and you have nothing to be ashamed of… and I know from experience that it is even worse when you are surrounded by someone who is dieting. I absolutely can't stand it when my mom comes home and exclaims how proud she is of herself for barfly eating anything all day, and then proceed to eat a mini meal for dinner. It's really tempting, because the disordered part of me wants to 'join in'.. but then I am almost disgusted with myself because I don't want to diet and I hate having those thoughts in my head.
I'm really glad that you are going to your aunt's. I know you are scared, but it sounds like it will be a better environment from you and I can't wait to be updated. Please know that you are one of the most beautiful people I know, both inside and out. Nothing will ever change that.
<3
Eleanor,
thoughts do come and go. It is no stability, no thoughts that need to be a permanent inhabitant of your brain. Find hope in this, because even though your head is filled with clous these days that does not have to last forever. But, weight gain is not a "quick fix" to your thoughts, gaining weight in itself does not guarantee happiness. If you ask me, happiness takes work, a concious effort at changing one's perspective and way of relating to yourself and your surroundings.
Gaining weight gives you strength, and secures your living, but it does not secure that you live with a smile on your face. That is how it is for everybody, whether they recover from ED or not - life is not all sunshine, there will be many experiences where our ability to find positivity in the challenges and keep fighting on will be tested.
At the moment you are going through several challenging experiences at the same time. You are gaining weight. You leave something of you, pieces of you, behind. You watch somebody important and loved in need of help, but find yourself insecure and triggered by her actions. There is no wonder you have difficult thoughts floating around in that beautiful brain of yours, it would be strange otherwise.
All these things are issues your ED have a hard time accpeting, or rather : it refuse to accept it, trying to drag you down and convince you that you are fat, ugly and stupid. That nothing good comes out of it. That is not true. But, it is not true either that recovery leads to guaranteed happiness for the rest of your life, and that you will never face a challenge again in your life.
Life is filled with ups and downs, changes you like, changes you don't. But, is the alternative to life better?
Keep fighting, my beloved Eleanor. You are important, and so is your life. There will come good days, as well as bad days. The only way to find out what the future holds is to keep strengthening your body through food, and your mind through mental (damn hard) work.
I know you can do this, I know it of all my heart.
Never forget how precious you are, and what an inspiration and support you are to other. Never forget, not even on the darkest of days.
Love you.
PS : If this comment lacks coherence I apologize, it was written with mostly emotions. And emotions are not the best at writing understandable comments, haha ;)
Eleanor,
thoughts do come and go. It is no stability, no thoughts that need to be a permanent inhabitant of your brain. Find hope in this, because even though your head is filled with clous these days that does not have to last forever. But, weight gain is not a "quick fix" to your thoughts, gaining weight in itself does not guarantee happiness. If you ask me, happiness takes work, a concious effort at changing one's perspective and way of relating to yourself and your surroundings.
Gaining weight gives you strength, and secures your living, but it does not secure that you live with a smile on your face. That is how it is for everybody, whether they recover from ED or not - life is not all sunshine, there will be many experiences where our ability to find positivity in the challenges and keep fighting on will be tested.
At the moment you are going through several challenging experiences at the same time. You are gaining weight. You leave something of you, pieces of you, behind. You watch somebody important and loved in need of help, but find yourself insecure and triggered by her actions. There is no wonder you have difficult thoughts floating around in that beautiful brain of yours, it would be strange otherwise.
All these things are issues your ED have a hard time accpeting, or rather : it refuse to accept it, trying to drag you down and convince you that you are fat, ugly and stupid. That nothing good comes out of it. That is not true. But, it is not true either that recovery leads to guaranteed happiness for the rest of your life, and that you will never face a challenge again in your life.
Life is filled with ups and downs, changes you like, changes you don't. But, is the alternative to life better?
Keep fighting, my beloved Eleanor. You are important, and so is your life. There will come good days, as well as bad days. The only way to find out what the future holds is to keep strengthening your body through food, and your mind through mental (damn hard) work.
I know you can do this, I know it of all my heart.
Never forget how precious you are, and what an inspiration and support you are to other. Never forget, not even on the darkest of days.
Love you.
Eleanor...
I dont know where you get the idea that you "should" be loving your weight gain! Thats ridiculous... seriously girl..You are putting way to much pressure on yourself! Weight gain is anything but easy. I still struggle. I told my dietitian today how uncomfortable and fat I feel lately. Its weird being in a NEW BODY! Its scary and I feel disgusting sometimes.. There are other times when I feel great though! but its taking a LONG TIME and A LOT of work to get there. Be patient with yourself. Do this for your health and just know ITS HARD! Gaining weight is not easy and I cant imagine it being easy for anyone let alone someone with an eating disorder. Keep moving forward and keeping trying - you will eventually GET THERE! We will both get there <3
Dana xo
At the end of the day, a person can look any which way, but it is the contents which defines the destiny. And you are destined to do better things than anorexia.
You have to start to accept what your body can do for you, not what ED tells you it looks like. Your legs are strong enough for you to walk, your brain strong enough to provide insight and support, and your heart is strong enough to provide so much compassion for others.
I hope being away from your mother gives you a chance to grow spiritually. I sometimes stay with my aunt, and even though I am policed 24/7, something about the environment makes it easier. Being around people who love you will make you stronger.
You can do this, and one day, we will both be stronger, and we will not need policing, we will be free and independent.
xxx
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