I don't really know where to begin. For the past few weeks, my life has been a rollercoaster. Not the enjoyable sort, either, the one in which you can feel the wind in your hair and the smile spread from ear to ear, nor the sort that gives you an exhilarated rush of excitement and thrill.
The sort of rollercoaster I am talking about is the one our dearest eating disorder has control of. For the past two and a half years I have been on a constant peak and plunge trip – whipped from one extreme to the other within a matter of days, hours or even minutes. My happiness is short-lived and my sadness is always creeping in the background, waiting to take advantage of a mere second of neutrality. Needless to say, depression has hit an all-time high (or low?) and all I've wanted to do is crawl up into a ball and cease existing.
I remember I used to make up these worlds of my own – a hole in the Universe that was mine, and mine only. Everything I wanted was there; everything was perfect. But perfection doesn't exist and the hole in the Universe I long for won't ever exist, either. All I have is reality. Yes, I can do what I want with that reality but right now I'm not sure I'm calling the shots.
I was binging. Now I'm not. That problem seems to have settled down. But now I'm left with the feelings of "oh my God I've gained so much weight I am so fat I need to lose it all as soon as possible I can't believe this happened to me, LOOK at me I'm HIDEOUS, I can't let anyone see me, I can't go back to school looking like this"… You get the picture. I'm a mess.
To top it all off, I've had my heart broken, too. What else does a girl need besides an eating disorder? Oh, that's right, a boy who's broken your heart repeatedly over the past 3 years.
I'm not really doing well for myself. I wish I could say otherwise but the fact of the matter is that I am struggling. Yes, I'm "weight restored", but I'm still sick.
My mind… Where to begin. The self-loathing is on the rise, the self-esteem in sloping downwards (if that was even possible), and any desire I had for leading a healthy and happy life has dwindled dramatically.
I've been getting comments like:
"You look so healthy now, Eleanor"
*LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THIGHS*
…Needless to say, again, I'm not really liking the situation I'm in right now.
I apologise sincerely for the complaint. I've just needed a place to vent and no one here has been able to help me in any way, shape or form.
I'm on my own. And distractions are getting harder and harder to find.
I've already worked my way through 3 seasons of Daria…
17 comments:
Oh dearie, this post describes my exact feelings this past month. I don't think I could have put it in better words. The up and down-the cyclic motion (and not in the fun carnival way either).
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way and especially about the boy. You don't need that right now or ever. You deserve better.
Don't be sorry about ranting-this is YOUR blog and you can say whatever you want. :)
Thinking of you this week-hoping you feel a lot better <3
xoxo
Oh El, this breaks my heart to read! I wish I could find you a big green exit sign from that horrible roller coaster.
But know that there is an end that is not unreachable. We just have to hold on tight and keep on fighting. Take each day as it comes, hour by hour, minute by minute.
I think I'm definitely sending your package very very soon, you need it!
I'm here for you no matter what, lovely Eleanor, you know I'm just an email or a message away!
Sending you lotsssssandlotsandlotsandlots of love.
I was going to quote one of your sentences and say "oh my gosh, I feel exactly the same" but then I realised I'd have to quote your whole post in this comment which isn't very logical as you've already written it but what I meant to say was: I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. And you are not alone here, how can you be when we all know how you feel?
xoxo
I'm so sorry for your struggle. If only I knew the way out!
It seems January is a horrible month for almost everyone. Especially for people with body image issues. The holidays left me feeling like a whale and my mind switched to restricting mode without thinking twice. And you know it's hard to disobey when you hear those don't eat/ exercise more orders 24/7.
You may feel bad right now but keep reminding yourself why you're doing it - because you need a real life and enough energy to live it. Black holes are a good place to hide but if you want to truly live, you can't stay there forever. Try to love something new about yourself each day, no matter how tiny it is, and maybe one day you will wake up actually loving your whole self with all the flaws and imperfection that make you unique.
Stay strong El, I know you can get through this. It's just so sad to see you so hurt :(
Praying for you and sending my love
<3 <3 <3
Scott
Oh Eleanor, hang on.
Life is one giant roller-coaster, whether good or bad. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling right now, but try to remind yourself that this will pass. With any type of weight-restoration comes a phase where your mind has to play catch up with your body. It's understandable for you to feel so disconnected and negative towards your body, because it has changed faster than your mind can adjust to it all. Your body doesn't feel like the body you were accustomed to a few months ago... but that's okay because you don't want it to feel that way. You are on your way Eleanor, riding this roller-coaster to a life full of health and freedom. You've managed the physical part and now you just have to hang on for the rest.
I'm thinking of you dearest. You have my e-mail if you ever need anything,
Tat
I think we are in the same amusement park...feels more like the silly clown house of distortion and scares and whirlies...huh?
Sigh. I wanted to leave you a "love note" ... here's the deal. You writing this? Realizing all this? Cognating this?
You are not in the bed curled up in safe world. So there's that.
Ride it out.
Breathe?
Eleanor,
I SO know how you feel. Gosh, I in that exact same place (I've also experienced binges, although not so much recently). If it's of any encouragement, if you can continue to just ride it out and eat according to your mp, I think these days of feeling as if you're crawling out of your skin and wanting to run back to ed full speed will become fewer and farther between. Maybe in a while it will be every other day? Or only at times when your stress level is through the roof? Eventually, if you stick to it these days can disappear altogether! Slowly they are becoming less frequent for me. Yes, they're still unbearable...but you MUST keep fighting. You know what running back to ed would bring you, it's time to see what running from him can bring. It's all good things...you know : ).
I'm always here for you, love. We CAN do this!
xxx
i don't know if you're spiritual or not, and i'm not going to try to preach religion on you, but i've been going through the same thing for two and a half years--still am in a sense--and the only times i've felt happy with myself and free from the prison of eating disorders and self-hate is when i'm learning about God and living for him. all you need is a relationship with God, i'm not saying go to church and read the bible non-stop, nothing extreme. maybe just start out with a prayer. let God into your heart and he'll fix you! :)
I'm not sure if it helps in any way, but you are not alone in the rollercoaster you are on. I know just how you feel.
I remember after coming out of IP last year, and one of my friends said 'You look so much healthier. Especially your legs.' She then pinched my legs. It started a complete meltdown. Sadly, people are just trying to be nice, and not everyone can understand, so when they think they are helping, they aren't.
I know going back to your ED right now feels much easier, it does for me too. But in the long run, we will just make it harder for ourselves. As every time you fall down, it gets harder to pick yourself up.
I am always here for you
<3
Can you imagine your life without ED, Eleanor? Do you know what you want out of life? What you want to do? Where you want to go? I've started asking myself those questions and really taking the time to discover the answers has been unbelievably helpful to me. Seeing that there is this wonderful, amazing LIFE out there that is full of potential sparks into existence the determination I need to push towards a life free of ED. Recovery isn't an easy or quick journey but keep thinking about a life free of ED and you WILL achieve it. <3
From reading your blog we all can already see how much strength you have and how much fight exists in you. At the same time, its hard to always feel that way and how you are feeling now is not only normal but expected too. the roller coaster you are on is not going to let you off although i greatly wish i could take away your pain and worries for you. just hang in there, fight those thoughts, and try to find a way to accept what you know you must learn to accept. you are a beautiful spirit that will feel free from all this hell, and that freedom will come soon. just surrender, trust, and be present in all that you are and have, then peace will come soon. xoxoxoxo <3
I wish I could travel over to you and give you a big hug. You have a lot of strength and I know that if you dig deep, you can find this strength too. You can get through this and I know you are going to get through this roller coaster and you are going to stay on top. I wish you the best.
Brush comments like those aside, I know exactly how you feel. The other day, my friend came over and I was venting to him about how I needed to do better in order to meet my meal plan and he said: "....you don't even look unhealthy.." That burnt so bad! But those are the comments you need to block out. Pretend that the people who say those comments are your Eating Disorder and ignore them and fight them like the ED's voice.
I believe in you!
<3Karina
Cuteness, hope you're alright.
Avy/
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com/
♥
hey girl!
you won an award on my blog!
I understand exactly what you're going through lovely! I felt the same way after I was restored to a healthy weight. It's definitely hard to adjust since your weight has experienced such dramatic fluctuations. I am speaking from experience when I say that if you keep at it, if you continue to try and maintain recovery, you will prevail. And one day, you will accept and embrace your body. It's taken me about a year in recovery to finally say I'm content with myself and my body. I struggle of course and have bad body images days, but they no longer affect my eating.
Stay strong girlie! The longer you engage in ED behaviors and avoid accepting how your body is supposed to be, the longer it will take for you to be content and happy. Don't be so critical of yourself love, even though I know that can be difficult when your initial reaction to a lapse is to volley yourself with abusive comments. Lapses are okay! They're a part of recovery. Use them as a learning experience and grow from them.
You're not alone in your recovery. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk as well as all of those who read your blog and offer you support.
Take care hun!
Sending you support, encouragement, strength and love!
YOU CAN AND WILL BEAT THIS!
Barbara
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