Opposites:
Elation – Depression
Two extremes. No balance. No in between. No warning.
Peak and fall.
And falling hard.
* * *
Poisonous thoughts.
Binging.
Purging.
Restricting.
Killers. All of them.
It hurts. Too much.
* * *
Boyfriend.
Love.
Affection.
Adoration.
Awe.
Smiles.
Laughs.
Sharing everything.
Sharing everything.
Petrified of losing him.
* * *
Sentences aren’t doing it for me right now. There is too much going on.
I’m living. I am in the real world. And it's scaring the shit out of me.
I HAVE MY PERIOD.
I am a woman. Again.
I GOT MYSELF A JOB AT A COFFEE SHOP.
My first job, ever. And I’m making coffee. Dreams do come true.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
He treats me like gold. He listens to me. He accepts me – demons and monsters and all.
I AM GOING TO MY FIRST EVER MUSIC CONCERT.A Day To Remember and Underoath.
Wow.
I AM TURNING 18 IN TWO MONTHS.
And I’m going away. With my boyfriend.
I AM GETTING A TATTOO.
Well… Tattoos.
* * *
This binging and purging is killing me. I hate who I am. I hate who I am. And that scares me. Never have I felt such intense feelings of loathing for someone or something before. And it’s all directed upon myself. I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve put on so much more weight than I ever thought I would and I hate it. I’m over an 18 BMI and I wasn’t even supposed to know but my idiot doctor told me.
I don’t know what I’m doing with myself but I’m scared that I’m going to lose everything. I mean, I want to lose weight and I want to lose my period, but I don’t want to lose my boyfriend, or my job, or my schooling.
It’s all just too much.
12 comments:
First off - YOU GOT THE JOB?!?! I'm so proud of you :D
My lovely Eleanor, I know you will find the balance you are so desperate for - it will just take time. Your body and your mind is so confused by all that it has been through and it's not sure what to do or where to go.
BMI's are useless. They are numbers and not much else. Every single person's body is different and it's so unfair to lump everyone together.
As for losing weight - you have to realise that it's not important. If you lose weight, you lose health - and with that you lose things like the ability to work, to love, to learn.
I love you Eleanor, I'm here for you every step of the way <3
Yeah; makes so much sense. What are we to do? How can we follow what feels right when everything has deadly consequences?
. . .
hi beautiful <3
i love seeing a post from you!
im so sorry to hear you are struggling to find a balance, but i am so happy that you are seeing the GREAT things that come with life!! you WANT that! remember saying how much you craved these things?? now it's here + i understand it is scary, but with it, i hope that the balance will come. time heals everything.
i really hope things will start to balance out, you have such wonderful things going on for you :)
please don't hate yourself girl. you have come so far, but no one ever said it was easy right!!! strength comes from doing what we think we can't.
i love you so much
rhiannon
xo
I agree with her ^^ BMI is totally useless. Not only does it measure inaccurately, but it is unimportant even if it was accurate!
I am so happy for you getting the job :) How do you like working in the coffee industry?? I love it!
So sorry you are struggling now :( but losing weight won't solve any problems, it will only make you feel worse. Same with being angry with yourself, it is destructive and not needed. Think of how many things you are great at! Like making coffee :) you are amazing, don't let yourself forget that <3
Scott
Congrats on the job! I always wanted to work at a coffee place! I used to struggle with b/p too. i'm sending you good vibes even though I just found your blog!
I'm doing a giveaway on my blog for the first time for the book "Diet Drama" by Nancy Redd. All about healthy body image, balance, and how to get there...
You can enter via comment on my post here:
http://www.beinghealthier.com/2011/03/14/giveaway-diet-drama/
Eleanor, CONGRATULATIONS!
Seriously girl, you have made some major progress since you last posted. Womanhood? A steady job? A boyfriend? Actual EMOTIONS?! You are on the right track, and don't ever be discouraged.
You only think you want to lose weight and lose your period. I know being at a higher weight is scary and terrifying and you just want everything to stay exactly where it is... but that is totally normal and you don't have to resort to dieting to feel safe. Life is constantly changing, full of ups and downs... opposites as you so eloquently put it. It's totally fine to admit that you are scared and have all of these fierce emotions, so long as you recognize them for what they are. You are going places Eleanor, and one of them is NOT back to your eating disorder.
I am thinking of you always my dear.. and remember that you can always talk to me if you need to :)
<3
Congratulations on your job, birthday, period, etc! I know you are at a place of fear and insecurity, but you are handling it with such strength and poise. I know great things will come from you, and I am so happy you have your boyfriend to love you through it and encourage you.
If you need to talk, I am here of course : )
xoxo
Hi Eleanor,
I had to come out and write because I'm so moved by your words.
It is frustrating this black an white world we live in. Happy-Sad, Love-Loss, Blessed-Unworthy, All-Nothing, Too full-Too empty, Binge-Purge.
You listed all the things you are happy and grateful for - yes, there is happiness but isn't it maddening how the light doesn't outshine the shadowy bits? The darkness is always there, coexisting with the happiness.
Yin and Yang.
I can relate to the last part, too. My weight is at a record high and I wish I had more encouraging words but I feel we are in the same boat just rowing furiously to get through another day.
Binging and purging is so difficult...in "the moment" we may pretend we are relieving ourselves or comforting ourselves -- sometimes we are just starving and our bodies auto-pilot.
What I have learned recently is that it is a SEVERE form of self violence and injury.
We may do it because we feel loathsome and vile...then we do it and feel even worse ....a cycle.
Wow. That was such a diatribe, but I am very touched by your blog and often fail to find words and today I just seem to have a flood of them.
Time passes, breathe.
Look into your boyfriends eyes and get a hug. And another.
Missy
Stay strong, Eleanor! You are worth fighting for and HEALTH is worth fighting for. What has ED ever done for you? Numbed you? There is nothing good about being numb! Drifting through life as a zombie is not fun. LIVING life is fun. Loving, having adventures, having energy, enjoying food.. that is what you want. ED is NOT you. It's this monster that's snuck into your mind and everything he tells you is a lie.
You can get through this. You WILL.
xoxoxo <3
Hey girly!
I just wrote you a novel of a comment and somehow deleted it. Gah...! lol.
Anyways, it is SO good to hear from you in the blog world again. I have been wondering how things have been going for you. I am both happy and sad to hear your update. You seem to really be pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Getting a job, school, having a first boyfriend, and just LIVING. This is AMAZING. But I can hear the sadness and anxiety in your voice as you talk about the extremes of ed and it breaks my heart.
The binge/purge/restrict cycle takes SO much out of you. Even more than recovery! I know you're anxious about your BMI (btw...very few people are healthy at an 18 bmi!) but try to have patience with yourself and your body. Fight the behaviors with all you've got and do what you can to accept your body a it is, rather than relapse in an effort to try and change appearance. You know as well as I do that changing our appearance NEVER brings that happiness with it that we suspect it too. It hurts us in the end, we end up chasing something that is simply impossible to find.
You're smarter, worthy, and better than this cycle Eleanor. I have such faith in you. Do whatever you must do in these scary times to get your emotions out. Scream at the top of your lungs, cuss like a sailor, scribble with crayons, TELL SOMEONE how you're feeling! Communicate. NOW, is the time to build those communication skills s you don't have to express your pain by looking physically ill.
You CAN do this, hun. Do you have a treatment team right now?? I'm always here for you if you need support.
xxx
I'm kind of useless at anything helpful to say right now, but congrats on the job! :) that's so exciting! I hope everything works out for you!
You are always beautiful, try to remember that. Good luck:)
I'm sad to hear your struggling.
BMI is such a joke, it is just a number, you cannot be lead by numbers.
Your job, boyfriend and health should bring you happiness, not any number on a chart or on a scale. I know having those things is scary, but they are worth so much more than having a lower BMI. Please do not throw them away. You have listed more positive words under your boyfriend than under your poisonous thoughts, so let the positive take over the negative.
I find it helps to have prompts everywhere, little cards with why I am trying to do this, so when you feel urges to binge/purge/restrict you can look at them, stop for a moment, then realize why you shouldn't do them.
On a lighter note, my brother is really really physically fit, in the university air squadron, and his BMI came out as overweight! I mean, seriously?! He is super fit, pure muscle, but he doesn't fit into the numbers. So think of how that made him feel!
Love <3
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