I really don't know what to do.
I'm not sure I should even be posting because I don't know what I'd do with myself if I knew I was triggering someone, so I'll try to be careful.
I'm... Not really doing well. At all. I've fallen further than I've ever fallen, into the deep hole of depression and the clutches of Anorexia. I'm falling continuously further and further, killing myself at a quickening pace - surviving on not much more than coffee, tea and cigarettes. I feel it, now. But it's almost satisfactory, because it's all I deserve.
I hate myself, in truth. I don't know where it stems from, I don't know what it means, I don't know what to do about it other than let it affect me, because it's all I feel I can do - it's all I feel I deserve: pain. It's all I know how to do. Hurt myself.
* * *
The confusion is killing me: eat to subsist and maintain at the absolute minimum, or let it take over completely. I can't seem to face food. It just seems too much. Too much work, too much pain - I don't deserve it. If I let it take over, I can see just how far it goes. See how close to the welcomed Death I can reach - can I touch Him, can I feel Him, can I see Him and hold His hand? Do I let Him take Him with me? Away from the pain of living a life I find too hard?
That might mean I end up back in hospital. Which just means the cycle repeats itself: I gain weight, I dischanrge, I lose weight: the cycle repeats.
That might mean I end up back in hospital. Which just means the cycle repeats itself: I gain weight, I dischanrge, I lose weight: the cycle repeats.
I'm not ready to let go. I don't know if I'll ever be readt to let go. I don't want to - I can't. It's all I know, it's all I trust.
* * *
Which way do I turn?
I don't want help.
I don't know if I want to go back to hospital.
But I don't want to eat. Or at least, I don't want to eat to gain weight. But anything I eat will make me gain weight at this point in time, somehow.
FUCK.
I need some advice, from someone who knows.
Please.
Please.
9 comments:
Honey...you deserve life. Change your mind, be born again and enjoy with no regrets. This is the only life you'll have. Live it to the fullest. Don't give up.
Elenor, u wont want to hear this becuz u know this already and u know its the truth- u need help- u need to go into hospital again- you are killing urself and need to b properly cared for. anorexia is hurting u too much and u cant let it win. it will kill u if u dont do something drastic now!- this time it has gone way too far huni- u need to get better u r a thousand million, billion times better than this and u r wasting ur life. u will never EVER b happy with anorexia. i hav read every single one of ur posts and i have actualy really grown to care about u so much...u probaly think im a freak for saying that but it is the truth. it is also true that i am so worried about u and so frustrated dat no-one seems to see ur pain and how much u need help that i am actualy crying right now. im so angry that u r not being heard.... get help now darling....before it goes too far that u cant control the inevitable. there is only so many times ur body can cope with the abuse u r forcing it to deal with on a daily basis for so long now that it will eventually just give up. dont let anorexia let u believe that u r invincible- u r not u r HUMAN and the body can only take so much. u r in serious danger and u have too much to live for. this world needs u. so tommorrow tell anorexia to f*** off and make a decision- once and for all to beat this b***ch. go to ur mom, go to ur doctor, and sincerely ask for help. elenor LET GO....choose freedom, choose life, let the pain go....PLEASE i am literally begging and PLEADING with you to listen to me...before it is too late. u will NEVER look back. please post tommorrow to say wat u decided??? do u choose to spend the rest of ur life alone, miserable, cold, starving, in pain (physical, mental, emotional, spirtitual) or do u choose LIFE, FREEDOM, HOPE, HAPPINESS, HEALTH, BEAUTHY, STRENGHT and COURAGE???? lots and lots of MASSIVE bear hugs, from sarah- ur friend all the way from Ireland
Eleanor --
I was recently, in the past few months, in exactly the place where you are right now. I was drowning in school work and lonlieness from being 300 miles away from my boyfriend, with no friends nearby. I tried with my therapist, nutrition, workbooks, positive thinking, etc...to change, but for some reason I just could.not.do.it. I do not think that I was a weak person or that I didn't deserve food and happiness - I truly believe that there was something chemically-off in my brain, and it was something that truly overpowered mere positive thinking and "telling yourself to eat". In the past few months, I have gone on an anti-depressant [that has worked for me in the past...it's called Wellbutrin and is one of the only AD's that does NOT cause weight gain. That is actually why I chose it, but I was lucky because it truly worked for me]. It absolutely improved my mood...I could get out of bed and sometimes see a point to everything, but the eating thing was still way off. So I made the decision to go on a med for OCD. Now, I am not officially diagnosed with OCD, but my psychiatrist believes I have many OCD tendencies, and this medication called Luvox, might work. I can't tell you how much it's changed my life. I am no where near "recovered" but now I can allow myself to eat without freaking out, I have only gained about 2-3 pounds (of healthy weight) I exercise...and I feel healthier and happier now that the obsessive food thoughts aren't there 24/7. If you haven't already, I would truly, 100% suggest that you look into medication, at least for the time being, to pull you out of the fog you are in that I know all too well. It really is NO WAY TO LIVE. Please write to me if you'd like to talk more. I hope the best for you, Eleanor! Recovery is a BIG, SCARY, LONG road, and I haven't reached the end by any means, but my day-to-day life and thoughts have made life truly much more enjoyable again.
Take care
xx Alli
I get what you are going through. I really do.
I was in the same boat as you are in right now for so many years. It took me over a decade to just finally say, this is killing me, and I am sick of not feeling anything. I am sick of just floating through life. I am sick of feeling like I am stuck behind the glass wall and I can't get out.
Then it took me a year and half to admit that I have an eating disorder and that it is health-threatening. It was just to admit that it was slowly killing me.
Then finally...this year....I am in recovery. It is not easy. There are some days when I want to say fuck it and give in. But I keep on going. I still struggle with maintaining my meal plan during the day. But I am finally having dinner meals every night. And that's an accomplishment. I am able to go out to eat. I am able to drink a glass of wine without freaking out.
You see, to recover from Anorexia TAKES A LONG TIME. It started when I was 12....
And now I am 26.
It may take a long time, but you will get there.
First of all, you might need to check back into the hospital or at least intensive therapy to figure out what is the root of your eating disorder. Then you have to admit that it is KILLING you. AFter that, the hard part begins.
The physical part is easy, but the mental part is not. This is probably why many of us continue to relapse.
So I guess I am trying to say that you have to decide if you want to live and just do it.
I really, really wish I knew what to say to help. Your post breaks my heart. I honestly don't know what to say, but you're in my thoughts. Keep going, you can get through this, you are so much stronger than you realize.
honey you are so strong you don't even know it. Try praying to God about it...
Seriously, he will give you the answers.
I prayed a lot once and I found this book called the healing codes and it is helping me SO MUCH.
Its healing my emotions and my body.
I strongly reccommend it to you- you have no clue how lifechanging it is.
Please get some help and go to the hospital. You need time to think and not put pressure on yourself.
And I promise, if you read this book all the way and start doing the techniques it will help you so much.
I care about you so please take care of yourself <3
Love,
Mariel
I feel like this too. Perhaps it will comfort you, if only a little, that there are many others feeling your pain. I find having some sort of creative purpose helps; you can even use your struggle to fuel it; I myself am an artist and find my problems and feelings a great inspiration, negative or not. Losing yourself in something you enjoy, even if it's reading a book, can be a helpful distraction.
Eleanor this brings tears to my eyes :( It is so sad because I know how much pain this is causing, how much you are hurting, and you simply don't deserve that. What you do deserve is a life, and happiness, and all the other beautiful things that come with recovery. You deserve that help, even though you feel you don't. You are brilliant in so many ways, and your life has so much more to offer than this stupid eating disorder.
Stay strong Eleanor, i know it feels like the end will never come, but trust me, the only way out of this is fighting. Ed makes you believe it will be easier if you just don't resist, but he lies. It is only harder both ways, but the path towards recovery ends in a beautiful new beginning.
You can do this <3
Praying for you and sending my love <3
Scott
Sweet Eleanor,
I know that you know what you have to do. It's been there all along and it will stay there until you take action. Please remind yourself that an ED does nothing but take and take and take until there is nothing left. Do not lose yourself to your tormentor. Part of you is really wanting recovery otherwise you definitely wouldn't have posted. Eleanor, I'm so proud of you. Even though it may seem like you're going backwards again, this time you are stopping and thinking. The confusion is a sign of hope in all the futility. Sweetheart, there is only one way out of this hell and it means going against everything that you hold true for yourself right now. Hold on to the slight chance that everything that the ED makes out to be completely factual may be false. I know you've tried, and tried and tried as I've witnessed but you must keep trying. Eleanor, you are a beautiful young woman, brimming with unforeseen talents and a lovely character. Recovery is believing this^^^ and accepting the horrible lies of the ED as lies.
Have faith in life and yourself.
Thinking of you.
xxxxx
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