I need help, but I don't want it.
I'm avoiding it like the plague, like I'm avoiding foodas if it's going to kill me. But realistically I know that if I keep going the way I'm going, it's the lack of food that will kill me. That's where I'm headed. But I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know if I want to do anything about it, that's the thing.
I can't think, I can't do - all I can manage to do is self-destruct. I don't want this, but I do. It's scaring me. I'm scaring me.
I really am helpless. Helpless and hopeless. I don't see there being any hope for me, nor do I particularly want hope for a brighter future.
In killing myself, I'm killing my parents. That's the only thing keeping me going - my parents. But I don't want to live my life for them. I don't want to be unhappy just to please them.
I am an awful person.
I feel so terrible for putting this out into the open - I feel like I'm hurting other people by putting these feelings out there for you all to see. But I don't know what else to do. I don't.
I can't go back to hospital again, because the cycle will just repeat itself. I can't have that, either, because that hurts more than what I'm doing now.
Help.
But don't.
I'm avoiding it like the plague, like I'm avoiding foodas if it's going to kill me. But realistically I know that if I keep going the way I'm going, it's the lack of food that will kill me. That's where I'm headed. But I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know if I want to do anything about it, that's the thing.
I can't think, I can't do - all I can manage to do is self-destruct. I don't want this, but I do. It's scaring me. I'm scaring me.
I really am helpless. Helpless and hopeless. I don't see there being any hope for me, nor do I particularly want hope for a brighter future.
In killing myself, I'm killing my parents. That's the only thing keeping me going - my parents. But I don't want to live my life for them. I don't want to be unhappy just to please them.
I am an awful person.
I feel so terrible for putting this out into the open - I feel like I'm hurting other people by putting these feelings out there for you all to see. But I don't know what else to do. I don't.
I can't go back to hospital again, because the cycle will just repeat itself. I can't have that, either, because that hurts more than what I'm doing now.
Help.
But don't.
9 comments:
Oh hun, I am so, so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. I've never really been in your shoes as far as the ED, but I know with other self injury stuff, I feel similar to what you discribed. It's awful. Hang in there, though. Take care of yourself, things will get better. I'm sorry that I don't have anything more helpful to say :(
Oh Eleanor, this is such an awful cycle isn't it? Moments of high hope where we feel ready to change our lives and then depths of depression, hopelessness, and despair when we lose faith that we can maintain any of the changes we make.
I wish I had a good answer for you, something to tell you that would bring the motivation and the recognition that you CAN recover and that you DESERVE recovery back. I feel stuck in the same place a lot, unfortunately. I get somewhere and then I freak out and go back.
What I have been told by a wonderful dietician who runs one of the support groups I go to, is that if we stick with it and continue to do what we must even when we feel like we are crawling in our skin, that feeling will eventually pass. We can't expect it to feel good right away or even soon...but eventually it will feel okay. Eventually our minds will adapt to our new bodies and we will start to see them with more realistic eyes, ones that tell us we are not obese and in desperate need of a diet.
I know that you have the strength to do this, Eleanor. That discomfort and anxiety you're feeling about these changes shows you that they are the right thing. If you were comfortable right now you probably wouldn't be doing something to push and challenge yourself, right? You'd be settled and okay being in ed...and this is not okay! I know it feels so unbearable but do the best that you can to push through this awful discomfort. I promise you that there is more on the other side! It won't always feel like this!!
I'm always here for you, girl :)
xxx
this is SUCH an awful cycle.. and so difficult but I PRMISE you you can get out of it.. take me for an example! im wishing u all the best- hang in there
i imagine you feel physically quite unwell at the moment. but you can choose not to punish yourself all the time. even if it is too overwhelming to take positive actions right now, you need to recognise that you do actually have the choice. not feeling awful 24/7 - it's open to you! NO ONE else would ever force you to be in this kind of constant misery and pain. you've got to give yourself permission. i truly hope you do.
* that is, permission to stop this. (not permission to force yourself to be miserable - that's definitely not what i wanted to say!)
Honey,
I love you. I know it's hard right now, but you need to let yourself heal properly. It's the hardest thing you will probably do for a long time, but you have to do it. Only then will you be able to live, and not just exist. I love you, and I'm always here for you.
love you hun <3 Stay strong <3
babe
you can recover. you can pick yourself up. you can make changes today. you can.
like you said, this is killing you and will only continue to do so. you know it.
girl, you have the power to change this. hospital fixes nothing in my opinion, sure it helps at those critical times, but what it really comes down to is you making the decision for your life.
you need that food. start out slowly but get yourself back to what you know is right. fight girl, please, for your own sake.
i believe in you. please message me , even just to vent or help.
i love you very much xoxo
I can perfectly understand what you are talking about. Sometimes,it just seems to be too much to take it: The pain,the hurt,the self-hatred; the anger,the disappointment and the responsibility leave us asking: "How shall I cope with all that stuff?" Often, you might just wish for an end of all these feelings; the hopelessness. But please think about it once again because... Honestly,you went through A LOT. You have struggled for such a long time and you struggled SO DAMN HARD! And what for? For YOURSELF and for YOUR LIFE. You did it because you want to LIVE,you don't really want to die,deep in your heart,you don't. Therefore,even it may be more than hard,even if you feel tired and hopeless right now,you HAVE to hang in there and you HAVE to fight! Girl,I know you are strong enough,WE ALL know you're strong enough. You can do it! Just don't give up on yourself. You're worth it.
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