Being at home, out of the hospital environment, has made me realise two things.
1) It's okay to eat.
2) It's really hard to eat.
1) It's okay to eat.
2) It's really hard to eat.
I decided to throw my hospital meal plan out the window, because honestly, a meal plan that doesn't include fruit or vegetables in it, is not the meal plan for a healthy person to live on. But having thrown my meal plan out the window, I've also realised: wait, what the hell am I supposed to be eating?
I'm eating, don't get me wrong. And I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of it for the most part. But I'm still not getting it right, because I'm still binging and purging. Yes, hospital didn't break that horrible routine. While I was in there, no, I didn't purge, but being out and in my own environment has given me the chance to do it.
I'm struggling to eat enough during the day, and then I over-eat at night to compensate. This is the hole I fell in the first time round, which lead me to restricting, which lead to going to hospital. I don't want to fall into this heap again! That's the last thing I want to have happen.
I'm petrified I'll gain weight with these binge episodes, because they really are binge episodes, and I am not over exaggerating to make it sound like a bigger deal than it is. It's really concerning me, and thank GOD I have a dietitian appointment next week.
Having said all that, it's been amazing to be at home. I've gone out for drinks, I've driven around town with friends, I've had copious amounts of Coke Zero and coffee, I've walked and smoked like a chimney (I know, bad habit!) and I've been living. It feels amazing.
I'm living.
I'm struggling, but I think I'm just going to put my faith in this dieitian to help me figure out what's going on and how to work out a proper plan so I'm not binging, because it scares me how much I can eat and it disgusts me, which leads to hating food which ultimately just leads back to another hospitalisation, which I'm going to try and avoid, at least in the short term. If I need to go back, sobeit. But not now. Not after I've tasted freedom.
I'm trying, that's all I can say. I'm trying, and I'll keep trying.
Oh and by the way, I recieved an amazing package full of Larabars from a lovely friend from across the seas (you know who you are!) and damn, this is what I'm missing out on. I can't wait to get my hands on some Cappuccino Larabars!
hint hint ;)
6 comments:
Hello! At the beginning of recovery, I too binged a lot. It's such a difficult place to be in. The self hate and guilt is almost unbearable. The thought that helped me the most was to realize that there was an important reason why I had been binging. I was not at a healthy happy weight for my body. I was forcing my body to maintain a weight that was artificial and not healthy. I finally realized that my body needed more food and needed a couple more pounds. Instead of not allowing myself to eat what I wanted when I wanted, I began to eat exactly what I wanted and how much I wanted. If that meant 6 spoonfulls of peanut butter, then I ate that much! And celebrated! It was with freedom that I could finally eat. I had stopped fighting my body and let it do what it wanted to. It's not psychologically good to deny ones starving nosy food. Denying leads to binging. But once your body realizes that you will feed it consistently, it will begin to trust you again and the binging will stop. When I first began eating freely, I did gain a few pounds, just 3. But it was those 3 pounds that have greatly increased my metabolism, they keep me so much warmer, and they give me freedom. Eating is good. It is human. Feeding your body properly is good. Good luck, beautiful girl. Be well.
This is kind of a strange suggestion, but I was wondering if you'd ever looked into dialectical behavioral therapy (dbt), it's used a lot to treat people with borderline personality disorder, self injury, or eating disorders. I've been getting this kind of therapy lately and it is seriously the only therapy that has ever helped me. Not sure if it would work for you, but worth a shot? the woman who founded it was a cutter and was in and out of psych wards as a teenager and now is succesful and has her PhD
anyway, best of luck to you! :)
Trying is the most we can ever do. And although it doesn't sound very impressive, truly trying is a true victory <3
Happy New Year! You are wonderful :]
Scott
Hope you'll be okay. Trying and trying HARD is what counts. Been there, done that, succeeded. Never looking back :)
Hey Sweetie, I'm adding you to my blogroll.
And it's not binging if your body needs it. I usually have a desire to eat the whole house if I don't eat during the day. I also find that if I allow myself to eat freely, my body balances out.
Keep it simple. You really need the food, eat it up and enjoy it!
Eat real food! If you feed your body whole/natural foods you will get the vitamins and minerals etc. you need and your body will love you for it and respond accordingly. Eat because you love yourself and if you don't, learn to. Allow yourself hiccups along the way because perfectionism is destructive. Celebrate life!
I speak from ED experience.
Namaste
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