Jumbles of Words... as always.

I have always loved hearing the thoughts of others, their opinions on the things that are important to me or in my interest. The feedback I get from you wonderful girls is detrimental in this process of healing, as it allows me to see things not just from my point of view (which, in all honesty, is usually negative), but a point-of-view from the outside looking in. When I'm not in a healthy/positive frame of mind, I say things that have the ability to affect my mood even more than I've already been affected, therefore resulting in a very depressive mindset. When I'm not in a healthy/positive frame-of-mind, when I say things that can futher affect my bad mood, I'm overwhelmed with your "counter-active" words, opinions and thoughts.
Words have the ability to turn a frown into a smile, and vice-versa.

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. "
"Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill. "

I could go on quoting the Buddha for so long; the more I read about him, the more I realize just how important we are to ourselves.
He is able who thinks he is able.
We all have the power to become whatever it is we want to be, and that power, like anything, can be used for good or ill.
Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.
No, we're not responsible for developing cancer, or other forms of disease, but we do have some choice over our health. I know it's not as easy as that, just "being good" or "making the right choices", because Anorexia is a possessive mental illness that has characteristics not many others (upon my research, anyway! Correct me if I'm wrong) diseases have. It takes over minds, confuses our thought processes, it "becomes" a part of our minds and can take control. No, we can't necessarily help that or prevent it, but we can do something about it. We have that power. This is still our body, our mind, our life.

I don't know where I'm going with this, to be completely honest. I just needed to vent, to do something somewhat productive; words have a soothing effect on me sometimes, though at other times words fail me. Sometimes, it's almost painful to construct a sentence. Sometimes, words wont fit together like they should, like they're supposed to.

I have a feeling, an inkling, that today is going to be one of the latter days. A day where words fail me, cause me inexplicable pain, making me want to gouge my eyes out with a blunt pencil.
Yeah, I've got exams today. Exams I haven't really "studied" for. I'm not prepared. I'm freaking out of my mind about it. Procrastination will not get me anywhere, I keep telling myself. But nope, it's just not sinking in. When it comes to putting pen to paper today, I hope something somewhat intelectual comes out.
(I can see it now: a page full of sentences/paragraphs that have been crossed out, written over, scribbled on, re-worded...)
I know that I am capable. I know that I can write, I can structure a sentence, I can write an essay. But again, it's not sinking in.

My belief in myself is in the negative numbers. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to make it through the day. I've been struggling, trying to come to terms with the fact that the only way I'm ever goign to get my life back is to "just gain weight", and damnit I wish it was that easy. It's not that easy. If I don't start trying to help myself then I'm going to end up a lost cause; I don't want to be a lost cause. I want to be someone. Right now, I'm noone. I can't have that.

[end: verbal vomit/]

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense.

I just hope I make it through this week.

We all have so much to give to the world.
It's time to start giving to ourselves.

love, love, love.