Buddha got it right.

I think I've sort of been avoiding posting. I'm not 100% sure why that is, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've been a whiney little mole for the past I-don't-know-how-long-and-don't-want-to-know-how-long and I'll bet my bottom dollar you girls are getting sick of my complaints!

(Warning: This whole post is likely to be one big complaint, too. Sigh.)

It's Sunday morning. 6:40am, to be exact. I haven't slept much; I've been exhausted all week, and the "week-end" hasn't really been much of an "end" to anything. My relaxation vibes have decided to take a holiday without me and have left a replacement: Mr. I'm-Going-To-Stress-About-Eeeeverything. Not a welcome guest.
Yesterday didn't start off my weekend in a very welcome way, either. Dietitian Doomsday, yes. As expected, I freak out the week before my bi-monthly weigh-in/appointment. Then jump on the scales to see I've shifted upwards just a smidgen, then get my mealplan examined and changed a bit.
I thought I would be okay with that. And I was, til it came afternoon snack time. ED hadn't been, and hasn't been, that big a part of my thoughts recently and I've been taking that really well. The thoughts have been there, but they haven't been overwhelming. Last night's little episode made me realize just how prominent the thoughts still are, and how sneaky they're becoming; in turn making me sneaky. ED freaked, using my mouth, my words, my voice, to portray the feelings that had welled up about certain things. My mother copped the butt of this, and I copped her harsh backfires. She's vicious. And those comments hurt. But honestly, without her verbal mastery I would not have eaten my afternoon tea, or dinner. If it weren't for her percistence, and her love for me, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I am slowly, slowly starting to realize that the things Mum says aren't directed at me anymore. Yes, she says my name, Eleanor, she looks directly into my eyes when she lashes her sharp tongue, but she's not talking to me. She's trying to find me. She's trying to talk me onto the right side, bullying the ED thoughts out of my mind, Eleanor's mind. She's incredible.
We have our differences, we have our petty little mother-daughter fights. But I'm a teenager. I'm supposed to disagree with everything my parents say. That's normal! My stubborness and selfishness is just magnified by ED.
Screw ED. ED has turned me into a monster and damnit, I'm not that bad a person and I know it.

The past few weeks have been horrendous, I won't lie. I've cheated, I've lied, I've been deceptive and dishonest and I've abused trust. But something has started to whittle its way into my mind. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I think it's hope.

You girls, your words of kindness, your support, your love and compassion and thoughts; they've impacted me in ways that I've never experienced before. I've never felt such a strong sense of love; I've seen it, but I've never felt its full force, it's never been directed at me. Having that magnitude of intense love, compassion, support and kindness has done more for me than I realized.

You've pushed me forward when I was stuck.
You've given me light in my darkest of times.
You've opened my eyes; allowed me to see the beautiful things when all I saw was the ugly. You've taught me to appreciate my body, and listen to its messages, cravings, signs.
From you I've learned to appreciate all that it does for me and all that it can do for me.
You've shown me the things I can do if I do the right thing by my body and my mind.

You've given me hope.

I'm still on Negative Nancy's side at the moment, but every day I'm becoming more aware of my thoughts instead of ED's, and doing what I want as opposed to what ED wants.

Struggles mean we're fighting. We're fighting for us, for ourselves, for our lives.

I've been studying Buddhism in my Religion & Society class; Buddha believes we are all capable of happiness. We are all capable of being "enlightened"; the end of suffering. I am by no means an expert in the religion, but through reading of it, I've become aware of just how much of this positive way of thinking can be benefitted from.

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."

No one deserves our love more than we deserve our love.

Loving ourselves is so important; we're going to live with ourselves our whole lives, so why not take care of the person we'll be with?

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. "

This is our journey. No one can walk our path for us.
But we don't have to walk it alone.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know what I should do/what I want to do, I don't know where I am, I don't know where I'm going... But I'm going to follow this path, and see where it takes me. Because where it takes me might be better than where I am now - I just can't see it yet.

love, love, love.