I've been wanting to post but haven't known what to post about.
This past weekend hasn't been the restful, relaxing weekend I had envisioned having on Monday last week. (Yes, I was looking forward to the weekend on Monday.) Saturday was supposed to be "girl-time" with two of my closest girlfriends, C & K. It was girl-time, and I am so thankful to have two beautiful girls I can count on, day and night, but our shopping trip didn't... Live up to my expectation of it. I was expecting to be laughing, feeling good, forgetting about all my worries, all my troubles, leaving all the negative thoughts behind me, at least for a few hours.
We looked at pretty clothes, and we ooh-ed and aahh-ed, and then came to trying said pretty clothes on. Enter ED. I hate changerooms. I hate trying on clothes. I hate seeing someone unfamiliar and alien look back at me in the mirror, someone I can't and don't want to recognise. A body without a face. A body I cringe at. A body I can't accept, can't figure out, can't feel.
I tried on pretty clothes, and nothing fit. I tried on pretty clothes, and nothing suited me. I looked for pretty clothes and told myself I couldn't wear any of those things. I looked and looked and looked, and despite having a huge list of clothes that I needed and was going to buy, I ended up with nothing. C looked like a goddess in everything she tried on. K rushed me and didn't give me time to decide.
The foreseen "fun time with the girls" ended up with me sitting in my room afterwards, sobbing.
I hate crying. I look hideous, I sound ridiculous, I feel atrocious. The art of crying is something I've not perfected, yet I've had so much practice at.
Crying over my body. A waste of time, yet something I do all too often. I find myself hating on myself. The body image issues have only worsened, as school has me surrounded by pretty girls in pretty clothes and pretty hair with pretty faces and pretty bodies. I feel so ugly in comparison to them, in every way.
This past weekend hasn't been the restful, relaxing weekend I had envisioned having on Monday last week. (Yes, I was looking forward to the weekend on Monday.) Saturday was supposed to be "girl-time" with two of my closest girlfriends, C & K. It was girl-time, and I am so thankful to have two beautiful girls I can count on, day and night, but our shopping trip didn't... Live up to my expectation of it. I was expecting to be laughing, feeling good, forgetting about all my worries, all my troubles, leaving all the negative thoughts behind me, at least for a few hours.
We looked at pretty clothes, and we ooh-ed and aahh-ed, and then came to trying said pretty clothes on. Enter ED. I hate changerooms. I hate trying on clothes. I hate seeing someone unfamiliar and alien look back at me in the mirror, someone I can't and don't want to recognise. A body without a face. A body I cringe at. A body I can't accept, can't figure out, can't feel.
I tried on pretty clothes, and nothing fit. I tried on pretty clothes, and nothing suited me. I looked for pretty clothes and told myself I couldn't wear any of those things. I looked and looked and looked, and despite having a huge list of clothes that I needed and was going to buy, I ended up with nothing. C looked like a goddess in everything she tried on. K rushed me and didn't give me time to decide.
The foreseen "fun time with the girls" ended up with me sitting in my room afterwards, sobbing.
I hate crying. I look hideous, I sound ridiculous, I feel atrocious. The art of crying is something I've not perfected, yet I've had so much practice at.
Crying over my body. A waste of time, yet something I do all too often. I find myself hating on myself. The body image issues have only worsened, as school has me surrounded by pretty girls in pretty clothes and pretty hair with pretty faces and pretty bodies. I feel so ugly in comparison to them, in every way.
I can't wear those clothes.
I can't wear my hair like that.
I will never look beautiful.
I will never have a body like that.The constant abuse is killing me. I want it to stop and I'm trying to stop it but everything I do falls short of what needs to be done.
I can't wear my hair like that.
I will never look beautiful.
I will never have a body like that.The constant abuse is killing me. I want it to stop and I'm trying to stop it but everything I do falls short of what needs to be done.
Recently I've been snacking like a maniac. Something tells me it's because last week's failure at eating lunch at school, and I'm trying to make up for what I missed out on. And no matter how often I tell myself it's a good thing that I'm allowing myself to eat "more", I can't convince myself that it's good. I feel horrible for grabbing a handful of dry cereal and eating it. I feel terrible for having a spoonful of honey. I feel gross for having more dried fruit that I "need" to. I beat myself up over having that extra spoonful of peanut butter.
Why am I feeling guilty? Most of the time I'm not even hungry, I just do it because I... Well, I don't even know why. And that's what is freaking me out. I'm not hungry and I'm eating more than I have to. I don't understand it, and I'm working myself into sweats over it.
Why am I feeling guilty? Most of the time I'm not even hungry, I just do it because I... Well, I don't even know why. And that's what is freaking me out. I'm not hungry and I'm eating more than I have to. I don't understand it, and I'm working myself into sweats over it.
A lot has been happening in my life and in my head, recently. I'm struggling. I wish I could map it out, put a physicallity to it. Make it real, make it exist, make it physical, so I can deal with it. Put it on a shelf and let the dust settle over it. Forget it's there so it can never bother me.
I'm all over the place. I'm here and there and nowhere and everywhere. I'm not ready for Round Two of school tomorrow. I'm not ready for Round Two of anything.
I have to face my fears, fight my battles and do my homework. And somewhere in between all of that I have to find myself again.
I apologise for my verbal vomit. Sometimes, trying to make sense of things only makes things all the more confusing. Instead of trying to find answers to the questions I haven't even asked yet, I'm going to do what I can, when I can, with what I've got. If I need help, I've got it. If I need support, I've got it. If I need a friend, I've got them. If I need love, I've only to turn to you all. That's all the love I need.
love, love, love.
9 comments:
Thank you for your honesty, and so sorry to hear things are difficult at the moment.
I'm sure your friends didn't mean to upset you, it was ED who did that. I'm so mad at it for making you feel like that. ED will never give you the body you want...it'll always demand more, and whilst being healthy won't necessarily give you your perfect body either, it'll give you a much better body, that will be able to cope better with life, will look nice in clothes and will help you to be happier.
You're right about the snacking, if you miss out on food, your body will want to make up for it, because it needs the energy...you need the energy. It's better to stick with the plan, then you are less likely to snack all the time and feel out of control.
Your ED is making you feel guilty, and when you are underweight your appetite is all messed up, because you need to give your body time to trust you again. That's why it's important to stick to your meal plan.
Don't be hard on yourself for being so confused and all over the place...being underweight makes it difficult to think properly. I love reading your blog, and I love you and your personality. I really hate seeing what ED is doing to you, because you are so talented and lovely, and don't deserve this at all.
If you ever need to talk, my email is coggeroo@hotmail.com.
Look after yourself and don't give up hope.
Sarah x
I hear you! Wow, the things you say are exactly what I have at one time felt or are feeling at the moment. I also hate those horrible surrounding mirror change rooms where it feels like you are on stage with a spotlight and everyone can see you. I remember one horrible moment of wrapping my arms around myself and dropping to the floor. I grabbed my clothes and put them on and cried all the way back to the train to go home. It's horrible how the ED will make you feel like the ugliest, fattest, worst person in the world. One thing I have certainly learnt though is how the ED can lie and twist things and I now don't really trust my view of my body as I know it's not right or how others see me. I am currently having issues with snacking too and I agree with Sarah that sticking to the meal plan works. I have pretty much been able to do that today and I feel so much better for it. I think you are amazing and I love your blog and your honesty. All of us here have been where you are or are where you are right now. I'm so glad you have a place where you can be just you and get out the things that are bothering you. Just remember we are here for you to vent and we will listen no matter what. Stay safe and stay strong, you can do this as recovery although so hard, is so so important :-)
*hugs*
Sarah (another one)!
I feel as though your thoughts and mine entwine sometimes, and it's as though i can completely relate to you, because i feel like i am looking at my own thoughts displayed on the screen. now that we have to eat, it's like our bodies have forgotten when to be full, how to be normal, little hunger pains and fullness signals that people take for granted.
with school, don't compare yourself to the other girls, it just gives ed more to feed off, and you're worth more :) stay strong love.
love you.
xx
Oh dear Im sorry to hear your trip wasnt fun. Ive had many trips as well that have ended similarly. When your stuck in an ed its like you have two sides, one side of you wont be happy with your ed body and so clothes wont look right for it and the other side is your ed bit and it tells you, you look terrible in everything, its like a no win situation. You must remember though that those thoughts the ed part tells you arent true, it would tell you anything just to make you feel miserable.
Please dont compare yourself to other girls, your own body image is pretty skewed at hte minute so you arent even making a proper comparison!
With regards to your snacking its definitely due to the under eating catchin up. I find when I under eat for a few days it always comes back later and catches up with me, I usually end up a bottomless pit. So dont worry its just your body trying to make up for things.
Stay strong, xox
Laura
eleanor baby you are SO beautiful--that being said, i can totally relate to your shopping experience. ED always feels like he needs to come along when clothes shopping and seriously, he needs to stay home! no one invited him!
i'm sorry your day didn't turn out as planned but you can try again soon!!
and crying is a really good outlet--i hope it made you feel at least a little bit better.
i love you darling,
becca
I am sorry your girls day out didn't go as well as you thought it would :/ Just keep in mind that you are in the midst of changing the way you think about yourself, so of course your not going to immediately like what you see. Trust the future, sure that other girl may have a beautiful face or body, but you have so much more than that Eleanor..you are going to have HEALTH! there is nothing more prized than that - and ultimately that health will be beautiful beyond your expectations. Please try to trust in what you are doing for the common good of yourself!
You are amazing and OF COURSE I will be your Valentine ;)
xoxo
Oh Eleanor!
If I could snap my fingers and have all your worries disappear, I would do it in a heartbeat. You are such an amazing person, and you don't deserve this torment.
I'm so sorry your girls day out didn't go as expected... body image can be really hard to deal with, and quite frankly I don't think there is a way to get rid of it. Beauty is so much more than physical my dear... It is the reflection of the soul, and that cannot be compared under any circumstances. You have shown me more beauty that you will ever realize, and I pray that one day you will see what I see.
The fact that you are snacking more is a great sign - it is a sign that the true Eleanor is fighting to get out... Deep down you know what is best for you, and the fact that you are attempting to make up for lost progress is nothing short of incredible.
Keep on fighting, and good luck at school tomorrow. You can do this!
<3
I truly love you,
Tat
first of all, don't apologize for your posts! this is YOUR blog and YOUR recovery, you write what YOU need to :)
you also need to look back and be proud that you actually even went out! ED kept me at home...ED was selfish. accepting your body is the hardest thing in the world. especially with ED. but you also have to keep in mind, EVERYONE STRUGGLES! i recently came to the realization that no one is actually 100% happy with their body, but most people just choose to ignore it and live their life anyways. honestly, that's the way i'd rather be :) it takes time girl, but the fact that you're snacking is good! eleanor needs that food. remember little eleanor? feed her! i promise, with the weight comes the happiness. there will be horrible moments, filled with tears and hate, but they get better. i'm thinking about you girl, stay strongg!
♥ lindsey
Oh Eleanor, I'm sorry your plans didn't go as expected :( That's why I'm so scared to make real plans with people. I'm afraid it won't be how I picture it :(
It just takes time, beautiful. You'll get there (: Good luck with week two of school! Don't let ED get you down & try to make the most of it! -Kylee
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