So maybe I didn't look like that, but at least I got through my day!
Things never usually live up to my expectations, and I'm actually glad to say that today didn't live up to my expectations, because my expectations of today were bad. Worse than bad,. I was dreading today like it was the end of the world, and you know what? It didn't end up being all that bad.
Things never usually live up to my expectations, and I'm actually glad to say that today didn't live up to my expectations, because my expectations of today were bad. Worse than bad,. I was dreading today like it was the end of the world, and you know what? It didn't end up being all that bad.
I didn't get lost. I wasn't alone. I didn't fall face first into the ground. I didn't get eye-balled by everyone that passed me in the hall or in the yard. I didn't get bullied, called names, teased. The only thing that was hard was dealing with ED's thoughts all day. No, ED didn't leave. ED was there, seeing me through the day. Making sure I took note of "How much skinner these girls are than you", and other completely idiotic things like that. As much as I want to just throw these comments aside, they really did get to me. I found myself constantly comparing myself to every other girl."She looks so much prettier than me.
She has much nicer hair/eyes than me.
Her legs/arms/chest/butt/stomach are so much flatter/skinnier/toned/nice than mine.
She looks so much better in those shorts/singlet/tshirt/dress than I ever could."All these absolutely useless and pointless comparisons I made, which only made me feel bad about myself when at that moment I needed all the strength and positivity I could get. I'm ashamed to say positivity was in the background, today. ED played full frontal today and I took the back seat.
She has much nicer hair/eyes than me.
Her legs/arms/chest/butt/stomach are so much flatter/skinnier/toned/nice than mine.
She looks so much better in those shorts/singlet/tshirt/dress than I ever could."All these absolutely useless and pointless comparisons I made, which only made me feel bad about myself when at that moment I needed all the strength and positivity I could get. I'm ashamed to say positivity was in the background, today. ED played full frontal today and I took the back seat.
All last night, ED was raging away in my head. I didn't have to eat my morning snack because no one would know. I didn't have to eat all of my lunch because no one would know. I didn't need it, I didn't have to have it, and it kills me to say that I listened to ED today. I guess I was in such a stressed out state of mind that I went along with pretty much everything ED said. I didn't question what ED decided for me, I didn't think twice about it. Eleanor wasn't present, not in the "eating department" anyway. Eleanor was trying to keep herself composed, and I... Well, in a way I was two separate people today. ED was one side, Eleanor was the other, and they both did their separate things and didn't interfere with each other. I know this is wrong, and it is something I know I need to concentrate my efforts on. I can't live this way. I can't live with ED dictating one part of my life and taking control. Because before I know it, I'm going to completely lose myself and there wont be anything left of Eleanor to save. I don't want my life to be taken over by ED.
Today actually made me realize that I have so much to live for. I have these amazing opportunities. Sure, school is hard, the workload is huge, but it will all be worth it, because I will come out of it with more knowledge and intelligence, strengths, insight, talents and abilities, certainty and direction, relationships, confidence. The challenges I face this year and next will be overcome, and I will learn and grow from them. Sometimes I'll find things hard, but life isn't easy, and these challenges will only strengthen me and encourage me to keep going on and moving forward.
Recovery is much like school, in that I am learning, I am growing, I am changing, and I am becoming. I have to accept that this wont be easy, but take that in my stride. I can control this demon - it will be hard and tiring, but I have the strength to do it. I'll need support and I'll need help. I can't do this on my own. I might stumble backward at times, but I have my own strength and the support of others to get me back on my feet and moving towards health and happiness again.
It's a long road, but one worth traveling. What's a roadtrip without stops? If we never get out of the car, we can't appreciate the things around us. We won't learn anything. We won't discover anything new. The stops are important, but reaching our destination is the most important of all.
The time we take is time worth taking, the effort we put in is effort worth putting in.
This post has been all over the shop, and I haven't even really told you about my day, but I guess that's not the most important thing. I'm alive, that's the main thing. I'm not ready for tomorrow, but tomorrow I will wake up and do it all again, not only because I have to, but because I know it is what's best for me.
love, love, love.
13 comments:
If you looked like that I would run over to your house right now because I am kind of a little bit in love with spongebob squarepants.
-blush-
I understand how easy, yet hard it must have been to give in to ED today, but at least you recognize what happened, and you are trying to deal with it and move on. I admire you for being so brave to start a new school, believe me, been there, done that, and it's hard enough.
Love you :)
xx
So relieved to hear from you...you've been in my thoughts. Well done for getting through the day...regardless of what happened, you made it, and you can learn so much from today and the coming days.
Don't beat yourself up too much about ED...this is a new environment, new routines, and therefore you will need new strategies to fight the ED. But day by day you'll build up new weapons, and you have the strength, courage and determination to shine.
ED has no right to make you feel like this and I want to punch it! Think about how much sharper your food will make your mind. Think about all those wonderful qualities you have. Think about everything you have achieved so far.
You can do this :-)
Sarah x
Eleanor :)
I am so, so glad to hear that you made it through the day! Once again, you have proved your undying strength and courage. I could not be more impressed by your bravery! No matter how discouraged you may feel, each step you take out of your comfort zone is one giant leap away from ED.. and you should be so proud.
Dealing with comparisons while trying to be accountable for your own eats is probably one of the most difficult things to do... don't beat yourself up about letting ED dictate your choices. It is so very important that you take this lesson to your heart though - you know that keeping up with your intake is so important right now. Maybe if you can't bring yourself to eat at school, you could eat bigger meals when you are at home?
Remember that everyone is different, and many of the people around you are dealing with the same type of anxieties and self-judgment as you are, even if they seem to be more grounded. Tomorrow is a brand new day, and maybe you can show ED a thing or two about recovery ;)
I am thinking about you like crazy!
<3
Tat
so glad to hear you made it through the day. knew you would ;)
don't beat yourself up for listening to Ed a bit, he's a coping mechanism and you were extremely stressed. its something to be aware of for next time. just think tomorrow can be better.
i find myself comparing to others as well, Ed likes to put everyone else on pedestals i think it really helps to remember that there is absolutely no one out there who is perfect.
xoxo
Eleanor, I'm really glad to hear that your first day back at school went well. Things are always way scarier in our minds than they end up being in reality, which is always a good thing to remember when we find ourselves needing to face a new fear.
You do have so much to live for, hun. Life can really be amazing if we stop being afraid of it. Maybe school will allow you to experience a larger degree of normalcy in your life and be the motivation you need to continue on a path to health. Don't let ED snuff out the true Eleanor; she's much too beautiful for that.
<3
you amaze me everyday eleanor! i know how hard this is, and you are SO strong girl. having the strength to put yourself out there, and having the strength to write all of this. it takes a lot. ED wants you to keep him hidden.
remember that other girls at school are insecure too, and not everyone is looking at you, although it feels like it. someone once told me (bluntly, but it's the truth) that no one really cares much about what you do. they may say something or laugh for 0.2 seconds, but then they forget. they aren't talking about you like you think. i'm sorry if this has nothing to do with what you need to hear, but it's what i needed to hear when i went back to school, so if it helps i'm glad :) if not, i still love you girl.
stay strong in this eleanor, and you will find YOUR place soon enough...without ED.
♥ lindsey
First of all, congrats on making it through the day! That's huge even if it doesn't feel like it now. And I'm amazed at how insightful you always are--you're right, school may be hard now but this is an opportunity for you to grow.
And it's hard to eat when you don't have anyone holding you accountable. And lots of times you will slip up. But you recognize it and you're thinking about ways to keep it from happening again. Which is all you can do.
I love your Spongebob picture!
ahhh congrats on having such a great first day back!! how come you were not in school until now?
i love you so much and you are so important and deserve to be happy. everyones body is different and we must learn to accept that and not compare ourselves to others.
i'm so very proud of you my dear :]
love ALWAYS,
becca
You are such a rock star. Such an inspiration. I'm glad you're reminding your beautiful little head to put yourself first. bc you ARE worth it.
hope you enjoy the rest of the day, i'm thinking about ya!
bec xo
Eleanor - what a great post - I am so proud of you - you made it thru the first day!!!!!! I know that things are difficult right now but remember how worth it it will be in the end!!!! I know you can do this - we are all here to support you!!! I'll be thinking of you - lol aimee
p.s. - i love the analogy of the car ride!!
Oh, Eleanor, I'm SO glad that your day didn't turn out as dreadful as you expected! Even though ED took advantage of the situation and talked you into skipping your snack, you still realized so much today. Good luck tomorrow! (: -Kylee
Yay yay yay! I'm so happy to hear that your first day back wasn't as bad as you expected, and incredibly proud of you for being so brave to get through it. I often find that I build things up to be so horrible in my mind that no matter how awful they are, they can't be worse than I was expecting it to be.
It makes me sad to think of you comparing yourself to others, always falling short. Because you're AMAZING, Eleanor. I want to find a magic mirror on our pirate treasure hunt ;) that will allow you to see it in yourself so badly. And while ED may have used your anxiety as an excuse to restrict, I hope that you're managing to get yourself back on track with eating. Because the longer you go skipping stuff the harder it will be to do 100% again. You're in my thoughts and I'm sending good luck vibes!
Rachael*
:-) so pleased to hear you got through your first day.I know you were pretty worried about it but at least now the dreaded first day is over you can start to relax a little.
Dont beat yourself up about letting your ed make the decisions, yes you cut back but it was just one day, tomorrow you can can take control.
Maybe the saying, start as you mean to go on, would be appropriate. I know its tough not having someone to hold you responsible for snacks but life is like that and you need to take responsibility yourself for yourself. You can take the first step to claiming your life back by getting into the drivers seat and taking control, tomorrow when lunch time comes, just remember all those things you wrote about at the end. There is so much more to life than listening to a voice in your head, your worth more than that.
I can see a spark in you, I can see that your a bright girl with lots of opportunity. It would be such a shame to let it all go to waste because of your ed.
Yes its a long road, but its one that you`ll make it through :-)
xox
Laura
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