Tough Love.

I feel the need to post this morning.
Currently, it's 6:30 in the morning, and I'm sitting down with my bowl of oats. This is how I start every one of my mornings, and usually, every morning I'm full of peace, calm and clarity.
These past few mornings, nay, a whole week of mornings, I've not been feeling anything of the sort. I wake up at 5:20am, on the dot, every day. That's how I start my day, and it's how I like to start my day. That time of the morning, no one is up. I am alone, with the quiet of the morning. Nothing stirs except for the chriping birds, the gentle breeze and the occasional car driving past on their way to their early-morning job. That's my yoga time. I feel at peace with everything when I'm doing yoga, but only if I'm undisturbed.
This past week, my mother, for whatever reason, has decided to wake up at the crack of dawn also, and every single morning I have been disturbed by her. She makes my dinner in the morning, and puts it in the fridge. I have no problem with this, but when I hear her making it, peeling, cutting, chopping, steaming, using the mircowave... All while I'm trying to forget about my problems with food. It's counter-productive. And today, it got the better of me. I stopped, midway through doing my yoga, to sit here and mope about it.

I don't know how to talk to her about it. I don't know if I can talk to her about it. I'm terrified of the woman. There's never a "good morning sweetie, how did you sleep?" or a hug or kiss or even a smile.
To make matters worse, the first words she uttered to me were "If you haven't put on weight next time you get weighed, you're coming home from school every day to eat lunch."
Good morning to you too, mother. I wish approaching her was easy. I wish getting her to understand was as simple as speaking a few small words. I wish, I wish, I wish.
I need to do, do, do.

On to a lighter note.

Happy Valentine's Day!
My Valentine's Day ended about 7 hours ago, but on the other side of the world I imagine it's still the day of love. To celebrate love, in all its glory, my two best girlfriends and I went and watched Valentine's Day at the movies. There was aww-ing and cooing and gasping and sighing and giggling... And maybe one or two almost spilt tears! Almost! There were some pretty intense moments in that movie. But that was the extent of my V-Day. I was going to use the day to show myself love, but I never ended up doing anything.

I wish I could have done somethng nice for myself. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I deserve love, and I deserve love from myself. I'm still having a lot of problems with myself, though, and I can't seem to push past them. There's not much love floating around in my world at the moment and that has to change in order for me to move on. It all comes down to me. The only way I'll push past these problems with myself is to first of all, confront them.

I know I should be using every day, every opportunity I get, to love myself. And the best way to do that right now, would be to nourish myself.  I have to give myself a chance to really know what it feels like to live. I'm living a half-life. One void of love, compassion, nurture. One void of life.

Love makes the world go 'round
right?

Let's hear it for lovin'.
I sure need my world to keep spinning.

Love yourself, girls, because you are worth loving.

♥ ♥ ♥

love, love, love.