"Way, Away, Away From Here I'll Be..."

School has taken over my life, and I've only been back a week. I've done hours of homework, stayed awake in all of my classes, and managed to keep what I initially had of my sanity, mostly in tact. I never usually ask for much, as I'd prefer to give than take, but I really think I need a medal. Or something to award me for getting through a whole week of school without completely melting down into a pool of tears, depression, anxiety, stress, helplessness and failure.
Is this pride I'm feeling? No. No, I haven't gotten that far yet. This week may have been survived, but I still have to work on feeling good about myself and my achievements. The feeling isn't pride, but it's certainly relief. Relief that I have survived. Relief that I haven't fallen into said pool and completely lost control of... Well, what I do have control of, which isn't much. But you work with what you've got, as they say. (Who are "they", anyway? I've always wanted to know that...)

My mind is everywhere and no where and where it shouldn't be and I don't know where. I might have lost the plot, I don't know. But it's Friday evening, I've finished my first week of school that felt like eternity, and I am exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Being constantly surrounded by people; people everywhere, everywhere I turn, everywhere I am, in my head, next to me, behind me, in front of me, squashing me into the wall to push past, looking at me, looking for me... I feel so enclosed. I've never felt so invaded in my life, and having to face that every day is becoming really hard. I can't just curl up into a ball and pretend it doesn't exist because it does exist. I can't escape reality, whatever "reality" is. (I've been questioning and questioned about reality in Philosophy. Mind-boggling stuff.)

 I am part of something. I am part of life. I can't escape my responsibilities, I can't escape people, I can't escape my surroundings, I can't escape life and living.

Yesterday, I went and talked to the school councellor/chaplain, Colin. Before I even got in to his room I had this instant weight lift off of my shoulders... Cue crying. Or at least, that sore feeling in your throat as you try to choke down tears. It's so embarrassing, and it always happens. But talking to Colin just filled me with so much relief and ease. I know I'm going to struggle this year. I'm going to try and stay on top of things, but I know this year is going to be a hard year to get through.

Honestly, lunch times and snack times have been bad. ED has pounced on me, every single day this week. I have fallen victim to his persuasions, and I am so ashamed in myself for that. I know I've lost weight. Well at least I think I've lost weight. I don't get weighed until next week, but I have to pick up my game. I have to stand up against myself. I have to stop letting how other girls look get to me. I am me, and no amount of comparing myself to other girls is going to change who I am. I don't want to feel guilty for eating a sandwich. I don't want ED sitting on my shoulder and watching me as I listen to his orders, and throw my snack away and only eat the fruit. God, I feel so stupid for admitting to this, admitting to falling victim to ED. Why have I listened to these voices? Why have I let ED dictate my meals? This cannot go on. Eleanor is screaming out for help, while ED is keeping her shut up, out of sight. No one can see that Eleanor wants to come through and be in ED's place. ED makes sure that most of the time, I can't see Eleanor. I don't know if I'm making sense. I guess I've just been overwhelmed by this whole week and this whole change of lifestyle.

With practice, I will get better. I won't "perfect" anything, because perfection doesn't exist. But I will do my best, with what I've got, and I'll make the most of my abilities. I CAN undermind ED, I just have to believe that I can. Talking the talk is one thing, but walking the walk is another, as "they" (again, who is "they"!?) say. And damnit, I'm going to walk that walk like I've never walked it before. And some major ED kicking will follow suit.

I can't thank you all enough for the kind words you sent my way regarding my letter. You've all made such an impact in my life, and every day I go to school with you all in my mind. I keep you all in my thoughts, as a way of helping me get through my days. It works.
Words will never amount to much when it comes to me trying to explain how much you all mean to me, because expressing that is near impossible. But every single one of you means the world to me, and I simply just wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for your support and love.

Can I just say... Thank God it's the weekend!

love, love, love.