...With too many responsibilities.
In amongst the school days, the piles of books for homework and study, the strangers and the friends, the appointments, and the stresses they all bring, I've tried to gather up what is left of myself & my sanity, and piece everything back together. (Hence: Pieces of Her) This has been a challenge, and needless to say, my puzzle board is looking pretty empty at the moment. Or rather, scattered. Bits and pieces are together in some parts, and sparce is others. I'm no where near complete and sometimes I go days, weeks, without filling in a gap with a piece of me.
I have become my homework and study. I have become these appointments. I have become what everyone else wants and expects me to be, and haven't left any of me to myself.
I have become my homework and study. I have become these appointments. I have become what everyone else wants and expects me to be, and haven't left any of me to myself.
I have a confession to make. The post from two mornings ago; although it wasn't forced, it wasn't written as a love-note to myself. I didn't and still don't know if I actually believed any of what I wrote. It was written to try and force myself into believing it. If it was something I could physically see, then maybe it would be easier to believe. I'm actually pretty skeptical about that, and I'm somewhat ashamed in admitting that it was written forcefully rather than truthfully.
It was a monday morning. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty crap-tacular. I tried to put myself in a better mood, and it somewhat helped, but didn't last long.
So there's my confession.
It was a monday morning. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty crap-tacular. I tried to put myself in a better mood, and it somewhat helped, but didn't last long.
So there's my confession.
School work has buried away what there was of Eleanor, and my stress levels have blasted through the roof. Usually, I sleep well. This past week and a half, I have not been sleeping well. I can't get to sleep, and when I eventually get to sleep, I can't & don't stay asleep. My mind is running through the day's events, the next day's events, my homework I haven't done, the homework I should do, the Assessment Tasks (read: three next week and we only just found out about them and I have no idea what they are/what to do/how to do them) and on top of all of that, food, weight gain and my dietitian appointment.
I'm starting to be hit by depression. I talked to my Mother last night about it, and she's dead set against medication. Honestly, I don't really want to go down that path either, but I also don't want it to get worse before anything is dealt with.
Any advice would be much appreciated and valued beyond imaginable.
Mum did say, however, that she'd get me massage appointments and accupuncture, too, if I felt the need for it. She's been so accomodating, so helpful, and it hurts to see her in so much mental/emotional agony. I hate that I'm at the butt of all of this pain, and I hate that I'm not helping myself - I know that helping myself wont just help me, but it will help everyone.
I need to show her I love her, but words fail me on that count. Words just don't work, not with Mum. She's too important for words to be the only way of expression. She's too beautiful to be summed up by a strung-together sentence of letters. She's an amazing woman, with such strength and courage and seeing this incredible woman break right in front of me, because of me, is eating away (pun not intended) at my heart.
I need to show her I love her, but words fail me on that count. Words just don't work, not with Mum. She's too important for words to be the only way of expression. She's too beautiful to be summed up by a strung-together sentence of letters. She's an amazing woman, with such strength and courage and seeing this incredible woman break right in front of me, because of me, is eating away (pun not intended) at my heart.
* * *
I want to find that little girl who got to eat the froth off her Mother's coffee.
The little girl who pretended to like the taste of coffee, because it made her feel grown up.
The little girl who put on her mother's shoes and stomped around the house. 
The little girl who wrapped her bed sheets around her and pretended she was a princess in a ball gown.
The little girl who broke into the makeup cabinet and painted her face with pretty colours, because that's what "big girls" do.
Where has that little girl gone?
Does she still exist?
I have a feeling she's one of the missing pieces of the puzzle, and until I get that innocence back, that sweet and curious and adventerous and cheeky girl back, my puzzle will stay empty.
Maybe she's not ready to be found. I can't know, but that doesn't stop me trying to find her.
love, love, love.
19 comments:
Regarding the medication...I don't think I could have gotten this far without anti-depressants. Until I started taking them last year I felt depressed and rubbish most of the time. They have given me a helping hand to recover and build a new person out of myself.
I used to be dead set against medication (and tried unsuccessfully to come off it) until I accepted that there is good evidence to suggest ED/depression has a biological basis, and that if taking pills helps me to function better in life, then I have a right, a duty even to myself, to use them.
There is an outdated attitude, especially among parents' generations, that depression is something you can just 'snap out of', just like EDs can be solved if you 'just eat', when in fact it's not that simple and if you buy into that belief system you will just end up beating yourself up about the fact that you can't make yourself recover.
Sometimes we all need a helping hand, and I'd recommend trying anything you can to help put that jigsaw together, cos it's gonna make a beautiful picture.
Sarah x
I have been where you stand now. Not long ago, I was in this same place. I was feeling hopeless, like things weren't getting better and never would. I was feeling desperate and ashamed of making my family suffer from the sight of me. I was about to throw in the towel.
I didn't. I stuck it out. I hoped.
It WILL get better. Keep searching your soul. Keep believing and keep going in your recovery!
KEEP GOING. If your don't stop, you WILL get there! Sure, it's tough on you, your family etc now, but it's all worth it in the end to struggle a bit to reach that final and wonderful destination on life, health and happiness! And hun, you;re going to get there, just all in due time. I'm here for you. XOX
Katya
Eleanor,
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I've been feeling the exact same way lately. I'm trying to just trudge along and hold out for better things to come.
My mother was completely against medication and still is, but I went ahead and used the prescription written for me for anti-depressants. It has helped more than I thought it was going to. I can't imagine how I would be functioning right now without them. I didn't really want to use them at first because I didn't want to become dependant on them, but if they are helping me and I know that I won't be on them forever, does it matter that much? I need them to keep my emotions and anxiety in check while I work through the issues I have. After I work through those issues and learn how to deal, I may not have to take the medication. Maybe do some research with your mom or maybe your doctor can speak with her? It's not a terrible option. Don't forget that just because you take them, doesn't mean you'll be on them forever.
My prayers are with you. I am here for you too, don't forget.
~ Catherine
I think we both owe a lot to our moms. I wish all the pain I'm causing myself didn't have to make her sufer as well. It makes me feel like sh*t ya know? I want to be able to tell her not to worry,and show her I'm getting better, but I can't yet.
that girl is waiting to come out when the time is right. do not ever think that she is gone though. you are so strong and have so much willpower. you CAN get through this.
also, my mom was really against medication as well but honestly, it has helped me so much. my mom now asks me if she can have some of mine because i am the calmest, most rational person in the house lol. i do take an SSRI though so it deals with anxiety and depression. if you need any advice, i'm here! i had a really bad experience with prozac but i'm lovin' zoloft which is what i take now :]
but keep in mind, the drugs usually don't work at low weights becuase your body don't recognize it or something of that sort. i was told that when i was IP
oh, and LOVE YOU SO MUCHHHHHH girlie :]
Eleanor,sweetheart,i was SO AGAINST taking ANY medication for many years,from the start of my ED - i felt the need to CONTROL MYSELF,MY BODY, thus taking meds to HEPL ME, were NOT ON!!
However, with the help of my psych,i realised that was simply another of EDs tricks and another way of trapping me into STAYING ILL.
When i finally began taking medication - i actually take anti-anxiety meds,as my other problem is not depression,but panic disorder and panic attacks.
The change has been so beneficial and i honestly would not still be here and fighting if i hadnt begun them.
And its true, its not forever,just to get through the toughest periods...and hey,what would it REALLY matter if it had to be for an extended period...its our LIVES we are wanting to save!!!
Love you lots,
Jennifer x
PS.Oh dear,i meant HELP ME,NOT HEPL ME!!! ;-)
Personally, I decided not to take anti-depressants/anxiety meds, even though I was prescribed them by the doctor. It is entirely your choice though, and I support you either way.
Your love-note was entirely true by the way, even if you don't believe it - you are gorgeous, beautiful, smart and I love you heaps my dearest.
(: (:
xx amyyy
www.oatsandbows.wordpress.com
Eleanor!
Don't worry if you find that you don't truly believe the love letter... just the fact that you wrote it in attempt to make you believe it proves how desperately you want to get better.
It sounds like you are communicating a bit better with your mom/parents? I really hope this is the case because they are so lucky to have such a beautiful daughter. Eleanor - you have so much to offer this world! Look at your amazing writing skills, and your undying compassion towards those that you love? Those characteristics cannot be forced... they are part of you and only add to the abundance of inner beauty that I can feel every time I read your words.
With regards to the medication, I would hold off for now. From personal experience, I have dealt with depression and it is totally possible to overcome without drugs. That being said, I do realize that they can help, so ultimately it is up to you. I will tell you that your mind WILL start to relax if you get to a healthy weight... I never believed it, but it is so TRUE. Since I have gained, I feel one hundred times better depression and anxiety wise. I think the massages will help to relax you, that's really sweet of your mom to offer :)
I truly love you,
Tat
Eleanor!
Don't worry if you find that you don't truly believe the love letter... just the fact that you wrote it in attempt to make you believe it proves how desperately you want to get better.
It sounds like you are communicating a bit better with your mom/parents? I really hope this is the case because they are so lucky to have such a beautiful daughter. Eleanor - you have so much to offer this world! Look at your amazing writing skills, and your undying compassion towards those that you love? Those characteristics cannot be forced... they are part of you and only add to the abundance of inner beauty that I can feel every time I read your words.
With regards to the medication, I would hold off for now. From personal experience, I have dealt with depression and it is totally possible to overcome without drugs. That being said, I do realize that they can help, so ultimately it is up to you. I will tell you that your mind WILL start to relax if you get to a healthy weight... I never believed it, but it is so TRUE. Since I have gained, I feel one hundred times better depression and anxiety wise. I think the massages will help to relax you, that's really sweet of your mom to offer :)
I truly love you,
Tat
As for medication, I take antidepressants. I was dead set against medication for a very long time but my mom was so worried that I finally let her take me to the doctor. I was skeptical at first, and while I really hate being on meds, it has helped me significantly. On the other side, I usually feel like I didn't need them to begin with, that simply eating and getting to a healthier weight helped my mood more than the pills.
This post is beautiful, Eleanor. You are beautiful. I know you will find that little girl again (: Love you, gorgeous! -Kylee
I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time dealing with the stress, love. Try and take one thing at a time... one day at a time. If the entire picture is too much to handle, focus on a small portion of it instead.
Regarding the meds, I usually think that it's better to do things without them, but if you've exhausted every other option and none has worked, I think medical help would be a good idea. It doesn't have to be a forever kind of deal; you can use them to help you get out of this low point, get along further in your recovery, and once you start feeling better you can start to ween yourself off the meds.
Stay strong, hun. We're all rooting for you, and we all love you <3
Eleanor - i am so sorry that you are struggling right now but i am in awe of your honesty in your blog - asking for help is the first step - i know you are stronger than your ed - you CAN BEAT THIS!!!! i believe in you - try and not think about tomorrow - i know i tend to worry about the future and get so overwhelmed!!!! im here is you need anything!!! stay strong lovie - lol aimee
i used to take anti-depressents and i swear they helped get over the hump- maybe if you and your mom went to the doctor together and your mom could explain to the doctor why she doesnt want you on meds.. maybe it might help her see, that meds are not all that bad. but if you decide not to take them, its ok too!!!
that letter to yourself was beautiful! post that up where you can read it everyday!
I could relate to this so much...I often feel like I want to go back to being that child I used to be. And I feel like I'm not ready to be an adult with all the responsibilities it brings.
I'm really sorry things are so hard with your mom. I know my mom had a really hard time accepting the idea of anti-depressants and the fact that some people need to take them. But the fact is that there is nothing wrong with antidepressants and if you need something to help you then you deserve to get that help. How old are you? Do you need your mom's consent to get antidepressants?
**hugs**
*hugs*
Don't ever feel like you're being a pain. I used to feel the same way, and still do occasionally but one thing my therapist told me was that patients are entitled to being given attention to. The main thing though, is to not dwell on the illness, to keep fighting... and you are.
You may not feel that your note to self reflected your true feelings. It's ok hun. Because over time, if you keep reminding yourself that there are reasons to love yourself, more than likely you may internalise those feelings. I know it's not easy - these things take time but it's definitely not an impossibility.
And about the anti-depressants... so far I've managed without them although there were times I contemplated asking for them. At one point I was getting really depressed but as my weight got progressively higher, that depressive state I was in started to diminish although I do feel down once in a while... but who doesn't though right? =)
Of course, the choice of medication is a personal choice but give the holistic approach a go for a bit and see how it goes. You have such a supportive mother and I'm sure with her by your side, you will get through this!
Nat
xx
What a great resource!
[ ... ] link is being shared on Twitter right now. @zenx, an influential author, said RT @1ndus: Xtreme [ ... ]
Post a Comment