My mind is everywhere it shouldn't be and not where it needs to be. My mind needs to be focused, but focused isn't a word I can connect with at the moment. Actually, I'm finding it hard to connect with anything. My body and my mind and my brain and my thoughts and feelings are all on their own tangents and poor little Eleanor is caught up in a nice big bowl of leftovers. I haven't even been given utensils to sort through the mess with, that's how bad it is.
Imagine eating a bowl of hot spaghetti covered in the reddest tomato sauce you've ever seen, with a blindfold on and your hands tied behind your back. And you're on the floor. And you're being filmed. I don't actually know where I was going with this... But the image isn't pretty, right? Well, that's the sort of sticky situation I'm in at the moment.
And I don't even like spaghetti!
And I don't even like spaghetti!
I have not been feeling my best, recently. The recent upping of food intake and reduction of exercise has left me feeling somewhat out-of-whack. I've been insanely tired all week, and my body is just not functioning. Pregnant belly from a blocked up tummy, aching body, throbbing head, dosed up on painkillers and weighed down with homework. If I'm to be completely, brutally honest with myself, I am struggling. I stayed home from school yesterday, and ended up coming home half way through the day today. I don't want to fall behind, I can't fall behind. I love school, I love learning, I want to be soaking up information all the time, but when I'm barely "there" in terms of concentration and, well, altogether, soaking up information and learning are the last things I'm doing.
I'm not treating my body properly, that much I know. I'm having troubles with eating the right amount and being honest about what I eat, but when I miss out on certain things I feel bad and sometimes, without being conscious of it, I snack. I snack a lot, sometimes. And that's when ED kicks in. Oh, ED roars. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, I feel like a failure, I feel fat and ugly and worthless. What is the purpose of this self-abuse? Both physical and mental and emotional? Is it serving a purpose? NO! It's just further fueling ED.
I'm stuck in these ED behaviours. Yes, ED is still very prominent in my mind and I feel like I can't escape him/her/it. I feel uncomfortable without it. I feel wrong without it.
It's sick. It's sad, and it's sick.
I'm stuck in these ED behaviours. Yes, ED is still very prominent in my mind and I feel like I can't escape him/her/it. I feel uncomfortable without it. I feel wrong without it.
It's sick. It's sad, and it's sick.
I'm wearing myself to the bone, quite literally. My parents are taking the butt of it, too. I feel so bad for them, because they truly don't know just how much I love them and appreciate them.
As much as I love words, when it comes to expressing my thoughts and feelings about my parents to my parents, I draw a blank. Words wont form inside my head, words wont roll down my tongue and past my lips. It's like my brain-dictionary goes into lockdown or something, and I blabber meaningless shit. (Excuse the language. Sometimes curse words are so much easier to use than articulate, well structured & formulated sentences.)
As much as I love words, when it comes to expressing my thoughts and feelings about my parents to my parents, I draw a blank. Words wont form inside my head, words wont roll down my tongue and past my lips. It's like my brain-dictionary goes into lockdown or something, and I blabber meaningless shit. (Excuse the language. Sometimes curse words are so much easier to use than articulate, well structured & formulated sentences.)
Maybe I'm slowly starting to realize the effect ED is having on not only me, but on those around me; the ones I love. ED doesn't want me to love. ED especially doesn't want me to love myself, or appreciate myself, or think of myself in a positive way at all.
I sound like a broken record. But you konw what? So does ED. Yeah, that's right. ED's pulling the same old thing every time, and it's becoming monotonous and ridiculously frustrating. I want to deal with this, but I don't know how to deal with it.
I have way too many questions unanswered.
Or maybe, I have the answers, and it's the questions I need to find.
(Bowl of spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti...)
Or maybe, I have the answers, and it's the questions I need to find.
(Bowl of spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti...)
I hope that at some point my mind will untangle itself, but until then, you poor girls are going to have to decifer my meaningless drivle!
I love you all, more than words will ever, ever be able to express.
"Either I will find a way,
or I will make one."
or I will make one."
love, love, love.
12 comments:
Sweetheart - your words are NEVER meaningless drivel,thats a fact!
Even with strands of spaghetti hanging off you, you continue to spout incredible,insightful,knowledgeable words of wisdom,of love,of pain,of despair...
The more you do this,the more you GO AGAINST ED and bring his games and trickery into the open,dicuss them,write about them,try to decipher the twisted mass of lies which ED keeps filling you with,in the hopes you will end up BELIEVING HIM, the more you will hold tight to ELEANOR!
You will begin to win the mind games...as you continue to EAT,NOURISH,NURTURE yourself,DESPITE the disgusting,ugly,cruel,unbearable feelings ED will give you for doing the right things...
YOU CAN DO IT - DO NOT LET ED TAKE THE UPPER HAND while you feel sick,sweetheart - please hang on and continue to put food into you as your MEDICINE,TO GET YOU HEALTHY AND WELL AND DOING WHAT YOU LOVE - LEARNING,LIVING,GROWING,BE-ING YOU,THE GORGEOUS ELEANOR!!!
I know you can beat ED,sweetheart...dont give in,even for one day..he is so sneaky..STAND FIRM!
I am with you..xx jennifer
Remember, dear Eleanor, that your health is the most important thing. If necessary, education can wait, but your health cannot be put on hold. It's normal to feel tired and bloated, this is part of recovery, and to reach a happier place we have to pass through a more uncomfortable one first.
Perhaps your parents could be more understanding than you think, and one day you'll find the words to tell them. One of the main reasons I wrote my book was so that my closest friends and family could understand.
You can't necessarily make sense of your head at the moment, low weight and the effects of the ED means that cognitively you are not at your best, but do talk to as many people as you can, get those feelings and thoughts out, no matter how strange they might seem, because if they stay inside you, whirring round and round, they fuel the ED and make recovery harder.
Give yourself the time and space to recover. It will be a hard process, but there are people to support you. Use them, and look forward to a brighter future. A future that you deserve so much.
Sarah x
Eleanor, I really understand where you are right now, though we are not in exactly the same place (I don't have to worry about parents, but I do have to worry about Andy) and I feel like ED is doing to me what he is doing to you. I'm so spun out and tired but I'm hoping you're getting more nutrients than I am. I'm so struggling. I have a feeling though that tomorrow will help, but getting there is hard. I am scared to face the dietitian I dumped a year ago and now I'm back and I'm actually worse! I want you to know that I think you are doing really well in a situation that is not working for you. It will settle, as I know my situation will. I am embarrased to find myself here again. I really appreciate your words, thank you!
*huge hugs*
Sarah
Eleanor!
Upping your intake and cutting back on your exercise is bound to take a toll on you physically and mentally. Your body is adjusting just as fast as your mind is trying to wrap itself around everything and it is taking it's toll on you.
I know it feels like you are at a standstill - but writing these posts.... sorting out your frustrations with ED an contemplating your next plan of attack is what it is all about. You are so beautiful, and I desperately want you to see how amazing you are. Keep pushing through, baby, because ED doesn't stand a chance against you.
My advice to you on the food front? Try to stick to your set meals and snacks... if you can manage to eat them all when you are supposed to, maybe the guilt of skipping out will be eliminated and you won't feel the need to snack. I am not saying snacking is a bad thing, but maybe you should try not to if doing so makes you anxious and stressed out.
You amaze me Eleanor. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you.. I am so grateful to have you in my life. Every single one of your posts inspires me, and every single one of your comments surrounds me with love.
xox
Tat
Hi there Eleanor - first i want to say no u don't sound like a broken record - i am happy that you are so honest and are expressing how you are truly feeling - i too am struggling and am realizing that recovery is not easy!!! if it was noone would suffer from this horrible illness - i think the first step is realizing that we are struggling . My only advice is to try and reach out to people who can support and inspire you - do you have skype??? I skype my best friend when i am struggling and it totally helps - we even eat our meals together!!! WE could try it if u want!!
I am here if you need anything!!! Stay strong - xoxo aimee
Thank you for your comment on my blog love! Don't let ED fool you into straying from recovery and running back to him. It is true, our struggle to recovery shows that we ARE putting up a fight and all the side-effects of beginning to nourish your body again (bloating, fatigue etc) will lessen in time (not a long time either) so just stick it out and keep you chin up! I'm always here for you if you need someone to chat to and we can all do this together! ED's nothing compared to the strength we have - all we have to do, is use it. ;-)
XOX...Glad I found your blog!
baby don't be so hard on yourself!! you can do this, i have so much faith in you. everyone has slip-ups and upping cals/decreasing exercise is BOUND to leave a few sore feelings--but you don't have to let these feelings get to you. do something you love, go outside and enjoy the fresh air. don't let ED tear you down just because you are trying to gain health. you deserve this more than anyone <3
love you soooo much
Oh, sweetheart, I can completely understand the place you're in at the moment. Unfortunately, in recovery, things tend to get worse before they get any better. The physical exhaustion and mental unrest are signs that the body is beginning to heal. Be strong and see it through, and I promise you it will get better.
You have to do your best to stick to your plan though, hun. That's the only way to make this better. As uncomfortable as it feels and as much of a toll on you it takes mentally, it's the only way going about doing it. It's the only way to a happier and healthier life.
Your body has to heal before your mind can begin to and until that happens, your thoughts will be troubled. Never think you're alone in your struggles though. A lot of us are on the same journey and we're here to support you along your way.
<3
I'm so sorry you feel so tangled, beautiful. As long as you fight against ED, slowly pushing him out of your life, your mind will start to calm down. I am speaking from experience here! You are so amazing Eleanor! Please remember that, if nothing else. Your words are never meaningless! Take care! -Kylee
Wow, that was a really meaningful post to me and it just contributed to show me that ED really just has so many things in common with how it effects everyone. I'm going through the exact same thing as you at the moment so I can't offer you any inspiring advice but what I can offer you is that ED is always the same. And if you keep going, keep trying, keep a goal in mind, there's no way that anyone but you can win. This has happened to people with an ED before. They have come out of it. You need to just talk back, think things through, tell ED to FUCK OFF because there are millions of happy people without EDs, you don't need it, you will be so much happier without it. Ok I'm rambling now. Bottom line, you are on a road that is long and rough but there is an end and it's beautiful. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
x
I also have some problems concentrating. It's hard when thoughts are just consumed with food. Which sucks...I wish there was a better way to put it. ED sucks the life out of everything you once enjoyed. Wow, this was a very pessimistic comment...sorry :(
Honey!
you are nothing nothing nothing that these horrid voices are telling you, quite the contrary my dear. It pains me to know that such a loved, lovely, amazing, gorgeous, all the lovely adjectives in the entire universe - girl has to deal with this, but I KNOW something. You Eleanor will come out of this crazy funhouse, this maze, find your way out and will have knowledge of an old life but will have a completely new one awaiting her, full of self love and hapiness and worth, you are worth it baby, you send the most incredible love to everyone with words of gold, i wish these words would fly right back to you. Just know, I am blowing them your way across the oceans, listen real hard today, okay beautiful ;p
i love you and am always always here
amanda
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