I don't know where I'd be without the support of you amazing girls. Each and every one of your words aids in picking me up and helping me forward.
I wish I could say today was a good day and I wish I could say that I'm feeling great right now... I wish more than anything I could truthfully say that, but I can't.
As I write this I'm trying to choke back tears. I'm putting myself through perpetual hell, and I've brought my parents along with me. Now everything they say only reinforces the horrible things I've done and the effects it's had on them and my relationship with them. Now, every time they talk to me it's about food, or health, or how I treat them and how I treat myself.
As I write this I'm trying to choke back tears. I'm putting myself through perpetual hell, and I've brought my parents along with me. Now everything they say only reinforces the horrible things I've done and the effects it's had on them and my relationship with them. Now, every time they talk to me it's about food, or health, or how I treat them and how I treat myself.
Everything my parents say to me fills me with overwhelming amounts of guilt; I blame myself for the pain that they are in, yet I do nothing about it. I refuse their suggestions, their pleas for me to "drink my juice" or "eat more", "try more foods".
The worst thing is that no matter how many times it's said by my therapist that it's not me, the common word is "I". I, Eleanor, am the cause of this. I, Eleanor, am hurting my family, hurting myself, my body. It's never ED, not anymore. Although my parents are angry at the ED and not me, they don't differentiate between the two. It's just me, Eleanor, that's the cause of all of this. I did this, I did that. I am jeapordising my chances of life. I refuse the food, the juice, the advice, the help. I, I, I, me, me, me.
Dad always brings up these things at the worst times. ie, when I'm about to eat. Always. And he did it just then. As I write this, I'm trying not only to choke back tears, but choke down my dinner also. I don't want to eat and right now it hurts to eat, but I'm eating nevertheless.
"Your mother and I are trying to save you from killing yourself. You refusing our suggestions... That's not doing anything for you. You need to put on weight. Do you want to be taken out of school? Do you want to have no future?"
I don't knowhow I'm supposed to take that. But I just feel guilt.
* * *
After school today, a friend of mine came up to me and he said "...if anyone ever says anything about you like that again, you tell me, and I'll deal with them". I had no idea what he was talking about, because as far as I was aware, no one had said anything mean or hurtful to me. I asked him what he meant. He prodeeced to tell me that when we were getting our school photos taken yesterday, people were talking about me. He didn't know who, but the things they said were not nice. Mostly along the lines of how I look.
People, people that I don't know, talking about me. Saying things about my appearance, "how skinny/gross" I look. I'm still trying to process this. I couldn't, haven't, and won't tell my parents about this. I didn't know who else to tell, and I knew I had to mention this to you all.
How do I handle this? What have I done to deserve this? I don't know these people, they don't know me, yet they're talking about me in ways that as far as I'm aware I've done nothing to deserve. I don't know what to think, how to feel, what to do.
* * *
I'm stuck. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I don't want to be in this place.
This place scares me, this place is hurting me, this place is not where I should be. But I don't know how to get out.
I don't know what to do.
I need an exit sign.
I need an exit sign.
love, love, love.
34 comments:
There is a way out...I promise. I recognise so much of the old me in you, and I want to reach out to you, and bring you to the place where I am now. Unfortunately I can't and you will have to make your own way here.
Just remember that your parents will always love YOU, and whilst they can't differentiate in words, they are trying to rescue Eleanor just as much as you are, and they are so mad at this horrible ED monster that is trying to take away their beautiful daughter.
At the moment you are in a dark place, where I used to be. The only way out is to have faith that there is a better place, to trust and confide in others, let them help you, even let them take away some of your control. Whilst you are at such a low point physically and mentally, your brain is not functioning as it should, it is full of irrational thoughts, it makes you feel depressed and low.
Once your body gets to a healthy point, your mind WILL follow with the right support and patience. People say it's not about the weight blah blah blah, but refeeding is the crucial first step to getting everything else sorted out, and no one can recover properly unless their body is properly nourished.
Talk to people, let them in, let them hear Eleanor's voice.
Hugs
Sarah x
Sweetheart,so sorry to hear this.
You are going through what i went through with my parents and with strangers,from when i was 14yrs old,until i was 32!!
And again now,5 yrs later,as i am in relapse.
Please try to think of it like this -(so that ED doesnt latch on any tighter to the comments of your parents/schoolkids,and thus ensnare you further in its trap)- try to think this way,EVEN THOUGH ITS SOOO HARD WITH ED SCREAMING - even WE,the ones who actually HAVE the ED,do NOT understand or comprehend it,so imagine what those who have no experience of ED, must feel like - utterly confused,frustrated,angered etc etc - and this is directed at US, yet its really at ED! Can you imagine EDs glee at the upset and turmoil this causes!? WE MUST NOT ALLOW THAT,BY TRYING TO PUT OURSELVES IN THEIR SHOES,even though they cant put themselves in ours - do you see what i mean sweetheart?
As for the people at school,its hard but you have to let it wash over you - when i was at school,the gossiping and comments about "anorexic jennifer" were constant - i just had to somehow dig deep and let it go,as it simply FED THE ED!! Please try very very hard to let it wash over you,darling. It will only make ED STRONGER.
Please keep in mind the above,please let Eleanors rational,ed free thoughts surface!!
Much love,jennifer(from facebook)
I agree with what both Jennifer and Sarah have said. I'm not in the best place myself tonight. I so wish I could do something or tell you something that will make you feel better, but all I can say is keep fighting the fight. Sarah is right that you need to nourish your body and then you can work on the other stuff. Losing control is always going to be hard but at least if you gave some of that control away and trusted in others, then you will be able to start thinking clearer. The others at school, I know it hurts, I was teased and bullied every day of my life at school because I am different, well look different and it hurt so so much and I felt like I was this horrible horrible monster that was so ugly and abnormal just because I looked different. Doesn't make it feel any better though and those people don't know you and don't see the kindness that I see in you when you are supporting others. Stay strong hun, I sound like a big hypocrite here with the way I have been but it will get better. After I had gotten to a place where I was nourished properly, it was so nice to think and not have my hair falling out anymore. To be able to read a book properly, to not forget what I was meant to be doing or where I was supposed to be going. Or whether I could write that paper for my classes. And although I still struggle, I am very happy to say I can think properly. Be gentle with yourself and just know that you are so so special and I love reading your posts.
*hugs*
Sarah
Eleanor--**hugs**.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all this. I can absolutely relate to so much of it. I know my mom always said these kind of things and usually right before i was going to eat. It was horrible. And I think she just didn't understand how to distinguish the ED and me, and it was so hurtful. If you can, maybe you can try talking to your parents and explaining how bad those kind of comments make you feel. Are you seeing any kind of therapist who could talk to your parents about these things? I know for me, in the end, nothing really made my mom get it and I just had to go on and tell myslef that this was not my fault. It's so, so hard, but the truth is that this isn't your fault. You are not a bad person . You have an illness.
And I hated all those comments about how horrible I looked. Those people are ignorant and honestly, not worth your time. I'm glad you have people like your friend who are supportive, and even though it's hard, try to let go of what those people said. They don't know you and they are ignorant and their attitudes are their problem not yours.
Stay strong. You will get through this--you've come so far already.
Eleanor - i totally feel for you and want to let you know that there is an exit - don't feel trapped - i know that you can get thru this tough time right now - just acknowledging that you are struggling is the first step - rely on your friends or any support that you have - you can always e-mail me - i always find that when im struggling i call my best friend - and just talking it thru seems to help!!!! I KNOW you can do this!!!!!! stay strong my love!!!!!! You have so much to live for and so much to enjoy in life!!!!
xoxo aimee
Oh, hun, I know exactly all about the place you're in; I've been there myself and I was convinced that there was no way out. Let me assure you, though, that there is a way out... there is an exit sign and the door beneath it is open and just waiting for you to walk through it.
The others are right, love... the only way to feel better mentally and emotionally is to gain the weight. Your mind will never be ready to recover... the body has to recover first. Your thoughts will never be clear in a state of constant starvation. You have to nourish your body first and then your mind will catch up. The first steps are the hardest to take. But it WILL get easier after that, I promise you.
<3
heyyy... i agree with everything the previous commenters have said.. we can feel guilt to a certain extent, but remember what everyone has said is true, that they love YOU and are not mad at YOU, they are angry at ED who is trying to suck the life out of you. as a mom i cry thinking about the what ifs.. i hope my daughter never suffers the way i did over the reflection in the mirror. i hope she never stays on the treadmill for three hours a day like i did.. or loses some of her hair from not eating for weeks on end.. becuase its painful. maybe they see you are in pain and dont know what to do anymore. i dont think your parents are angry with you.. but if you cant open up to them, try to talk to a friend about it.. see if even that mental and emotional release will allow you to open up to your parents..
be strong girlie.. you are trying...
*hugs*
gah, this post hit SO close to home. baby, i know you can do this. you have the power and the will to keep fighting. i know what others say can be so easy to let affect us but we CAN'T let it. we have enough to deal with trying to battle our own demons, let alone everyone elses. stay strong and know that i am always here for you beautiful. i know what its like to have people who don't even know you talk about you behind your back--its not fun =/ but just remember that they simply don't understand, they don't get it so they use the only defense mechanism they know how to manipulate; those hurtful words. don't let it bother you, they don't mean anything by it. they are just being dumb and don't know what they are talking about.
sorry for the novel!
love you so much !!!
becca
Sweetie you will get out of this... I am so sorry you and your parents aren't seeing eye to eye. Sometimes when parents care too much, it has the complete opposite effect. I don't know if you would consider this, but would it be worth it to try writing a letter to your parents? That way you could get everything out that you want to say, and there might be a little less tension.
Show them how hard you are trying by taking their suggestions... you can do this Eleanor. Weight gain is not as scary as ED tells you, and you deserve to live.
Listen, I knowfirst hand the horrors of dealing with a new a school while struggling with an eating disorder... the judgements, the whispers, the rumours. There's no way around the fact that it hurts. I managed to live through it, and I know you can too.
Now that I am out of school and away from the judgements, I am able to look back and be thankful. As crazy as it sounds, I am glad they treated me like shit, because I realized that they were they type of people that I never wanted to associate with. Don't let them get to you Eleanor - their opinion doesn't matter... it just allows you to see the inner beauty that they clearly lack.
xox
Tat
hey girl, that sign will come.
i know how it is at school...even my teachers made comments. my favorite was, "somebody get that girl a milkshake!" inside, i was cringing and raging...but i played it cool and joked around because i guess that's just my personality
also been there with parents..."you aren't ever going to have a future because you are killing yourself!" "why are you doing this to our family?"
guilt.guilt.guilt. it doesn't go away until recovery sets in...and it sucks. but you are such a strong girl, and you have us. you will make it through!
♥ lindsey
Hey Eleanor, doll. It makes me so sad to read the pain you're in right now. I honestly have tears in my eyes. I have dealt with people saying things about my appearance in the past, and I know how incredibly hurtful it is. You just have to realize that those people do not matter. They don't know you and probably wouldn't understand if they did. I know it's hard, but ignore them, okay? You're beautiful, no matter what, and you are getting closer to that exit sign every single day. I promise, you're not alone in your battle! If you ever just need to vent, feel free to drop me a line joneskylee@gmail.com
Love you, beautiful! -Kylee
oh eleanor!
my love I am speechless after reading your words(as always) you write so beautifully and elequetly and your emotions are at the tip of every letter, you are not trapped you can find your way out i am so sure of it. YOU are not responsible for anyone else's feelings, not your parents, just Eleanor's. I am living at home temporarily and completely relate to those guilt feelings but they won't change how your parents react they will only make eleanor feel badly, which I do not want and would make me a sad girly because ELEANOR is a bright brilliant beautiful shiny star, the most amazing supportive friend I could ask for. and I want you to be that friend to yourself, I love you so much babe and I m always here for you on that journey.
you are incredible. love you to infinity
amanda
I understand exactly what you mean. Everytime my mom looks at me, I feel like the biggest failure at life. Guilty doesn't even begin to cover it. I know parents just want to see us healthy and happy again but they don't really understand what we're going through unless they've struggled with the disorder as well. Im glad I found your blog, hope you can check out mine as well.
I understand exactly what you mean. Everytime my mom looks at me, I feel like the biggest failure at life. Guilty doesn't even begin to cover it. I know parents just want to see us healthy and happy again but they don't really understand what we're going through unless they've struggled with the disorder as well. Im glad I found your blog, hope you can check out mine as well.
Oh honey...I am so sorry that you are struggling. You seem like such a beautiful person and this post just broke my heart.
I know how hard this is. How you put it so eloquently, however, I don't know. You have a way with words...!
Thanks for your lovely comments on my blog. They were very sweet. :)
I'll be following your blog - I know you don't know me, but I completely understand how you feel. You are more than welcome to email me if you ever want to. Just offering it up. My email's catedesimone@gmail.com
~ Catherine
Eleanor,
I wish so much that Icould hold you right now, and be there with you to tell you that we can make it through together!
I understand you don't want to be at the place you are at anymore, and sometimes we have to pull ourselves up my our bootstraps (does anyone even say that anymore?) and get ourselves out, it sounds a lot easier than it is, truthfully.
I wish I was there to be your exit sign, maybe together we could find a way out. I'm sorry to say, that you are thousands of miles away from me, and sadly, this is something we have to want for ourselves. Take this moment of wanting out, and get what you can from it. Something small like one single day where you just say "Fuck them!" and live without ED (if only for a day) or something big, like telling your parents you are ready to take the next step, the step towards a life without E.D., a step towards that Exit sign you so long for!
Colleen
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