Tough Love Pt. 2.

Eleanor woke with only one thought in mind: yoga. She had to do it. She couldn't not do it. The previous day's-and-night's troubles hadn't disappeared with sleep, and there was no other way for her to find some peace than from those troubles than in her deep breaths and lengthening stretches.
Midway through her morning routine, she heard the noise she always dreaded to hear: a door shutting. That could only mean one thing: her mother was awake. Instantly, her once-relaxed mind was buzzing, but not buzzing in a positive, happy and productive way. Buzzing in a way that made her want to cover her ears, or worse still, rip out her eardrums.
One would think Eleanor would be used to this disruption by now, after having had it happen for almost two weeks, now. Alas, that was not the case. Eleanor is starting to feel as though her world is shrinking in on her; the walls of her personal space box closing in around her, replacing that feeling of freedom with a feeling of imposing claustrophobia.

Nothing, not one thing, makes sense to Eleanor. Her life doesn't make sense to her. Her life is not a life, but a structure. A ritual. A rigid and never-changing series of events. Her life is not a life. It's a shadow of what it could be, what it should be. Her life is void of independence, choice&decisions, variety. Her life is void of happiness, love, relationships. Her life is not being lived.
Eleanor is not living. Eleanor is merely existing.

I am sick of just existing.
I am sick of not having choice.
I am sick of being told what I can and can't do, what to eat, how much to eat.
I am sick of my life being taken away from me, from a voice in my head.I am sick of fighting with my parents.I am sick of hurting my parents.
I am sick of being SICK.

So, some things have changed in my day-to-day life.
I've been upped in food.
I can't walk to or from school anymore, because I'm "burning too much energy".
I cried myself to sleep last night, faught with my parents, and ever since there has been a hostility between me and them. Especially, (what a surprise) with my Mother.

Last night, Mum threatened me with hospitalisation.
"If you haven't put on weight in two weeks, you're going back to hospital".
That hit me like a ton of bricks.

Last night, Dad said something that hurt.
"It should have occured to you by now that your Mother and I are trying to save your life and it would be nice if you could appreciate what we're doing for you because it's taxing on us, it's exhausting, and we're sick of it." or something to that degree.
I feel like I am destroying my family. I am killing my relationship with my parents. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, regret, shame. I'm angry, at them and at myself.

I have so many mixed feelings right now and I don't know what to do with them all. I want to want to recover, but I'm still not there yet.What's wrong with me?
Why don't I want to get through this?
Why don't I want to give ED up?

I wish I could make sense of what's going on in my head. I'm more or less sitting on the fence, or rather, impaled on it. Not a nice visual image, I apologise, but if I'm to be honest, that's how I would describe my situation.
I'm in a place I don't want to be but can't quite convince myself I should get out of.

I also wish I could bring some positivity to this post. I feel like such a downer, and I hate to bring this on all of you beautiful girls.
You all have so much faith and belief in me, and that does encourage me, motivate me and inspire me to move forward. Every time I read your words, I'm filled with a little ray of hope, and that little ray of hope gets me through.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine."

I must stop standing in my own sunshine, instead I need to be that sunshine.

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply.

Willing is not enough; we must do."

Enough talk. Enough "thinking". Enough "knowing".
I have to do.

love, love, love.