Procrastination Nation.

Homework: Mountains of it.
Due dates: Mountains of them.
Time: None.
Motivation: What's motivation?

Procrastinating is the only art I am skilled in. When it comes to procrastinating, I'm your woman. Procrastination is my first middle name. Okay, you get the idea. The reality of my life for the next two years is starting to sink in: I am going to have a lot of homework, and I am expected to complete it all and have it handed in on the due date, no excuses. I have a lot of responsibilities. I'm being treated like an adult. These are all scary things, things I am not used to. I feel alone in feeling this - sure, people are overwhelmed by the amount of homework they're getting, but they shrug it off. Me, no, I take it to a whole new level. I freak out, I panic, I stress. I work myself up into unnecessary states of anxiety and freak other people out by my freaking out. I know I need to get the homework done, but I find myself unable to do it.
Is it my overthinking? Probably.
So why I can't I stop it? If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be bitching about it.

I re-read my post from last night and realized just how sad I appeared to be. I didn't even know the half of what I was saying last night, and my feelings obviously were so overwhelming that I didn't actually feel them. It shocked me, actually, seeing just how emotional I can be. I don't want to feel like that, and I certainly don't want to come across as a moany, pitiful, annoying person who complains just for the hell of it. That's the last thing I want, and reading over my entry last night made me think of myself as just that. I wish I could just stop putting myself down and making myself feel like shit, because I know it's not getting me anywhere.

Stressing myself out for no reason other than because I can is unhealthy and unnecessary. I could be using that time productively, I could be doing anything other than over-thinking and over-analysing every tiny little aspect of my life, be it my school work, my mind, my body, my future.

Yes, school is going to be difficult.
Yes, now more than ever I need to take control of my ED.
Yes, that's going to be hard.
But YES, I can do it.

 

I've been snacking again, and ED's been at me. I'm trying with all my might to keep the voice down, block out the abuse. But when I snack, Ifeel so out of control. I'm not even hungry when I do it, usually. I just... Do it. I don't know why, and I'm getting increasingly scared about it. I don't want it to lead to a binge, because I know exactly what will happen if I binge. That's something I've been trying to avoid, knowing full well what that binge will lead to. I don't understand why I've been doing this. I don't feel like I need it, I just do it.
It's a double-edged sword. If I ignore the urge to snack, I'm fuelling ED. But if I snack, ED goes crazy on me.

This is something I'm going to have to accept. Obviously, whether I realize it or not, by body is asking for something, and my body is going into auto-pilot, doing what needs to be done in order to satisfy that craving/urge. After ignoring those messages for so long, it's taking its time figuring out what to do with those messages. It's foreign to my mind, but my body knows what's up.

Our bodies are truly amazing things, and the sooner I learn to appreciate my amazing machine, the sooner I can find the self-acceptance I've been searching so desperately for.

"As you work toward your goal, anxiously anticipating the light at the end of
the tunnel, don't forget to notice the light that shines upon you today."

Michelle C. Ustaszeski

Each day, each challenge we face, is a step towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Each day is a day full of that light, and sometimes, we forget to acknowledge our successes and achievements. Don't let a day go by without congratulating yourself for the amazing things you do. You're all incredible. We are all incredible.

Bask in the glow of the light that shines upon you today. Every day.

love, love, love.