E-joo-cay-shon.

...Yeah, I thought I'd be funny and pretend to be stupid.

Happy Hump Day, my lovely ladies. It's been a struggle to get to Wednesday, but I've managed somehow, and I am more than thankful and grateful for the support you've shown me in regards to going back to school. I think we're all on the same wave-length when it comes to school: the stress, the work-load, the expectations, the extra study, deadlines... School doesn't just teach us academia, it teaches us about the world and how to survive in it.
There is no "pass" or "fail" in life. We're either here, or we're not, and that's the sad truth. But while we are here, we have ample opportunities to make something of our lives.

Through the stress, the tears, the tantrums, the "dog-ate-my-homework" standard of excuses, we learn to live. Teachers be damned, it's we who do the teaching; and we learn from ourselves.

I hope that made sense.

School has, surprisingly, been alright. The workload is already working its way across my desk, threatening to spill over the edges of my poor little working-space; maybe it hasn't caught up to me yet, but I haven't actually been feeling too stressed out or panic-y.

Now how's this for a contradiction:

Today was my Literature SAC (Assessment Task). It was last period, and progressively throughout the day I became more and more nervous, more and more sick in my stomach, a headache threatened to split through my scalp, my heart was beating faster and faster, pulse racing, sweats, everything.
Then I actually sat down in the class. My leg was jogging at a million miles an hour, about the same speed as my hand blurring across the page.

What? Actual writing? Actual words making sentences? A PARAGRAPH!? What is this!?Before I knew it, the time was up. I had three double-sided pages almost full up with writing. I honestly have no idea how that happened, and I also honestly have no idea if any of it makes sense, but the fact of the matter is that I did it. I (almost)completed a test in the allocated time, I wrote words, sentences, paragraphs, a dodgy conclusion... I. did. it.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is pride or just pure relief, but whatever it is, a weight is off my chest and I'm no longer sweating, flushed in the face and stressed to the point of wanting to knock myself out to get rid of it all.

I doubt myself so much sometimes; I doubt my ability, I put myself down, I have no confidence, I'm constantly comparing my intelligence to others... For what purpose? I just proved to myself that I can actually, in fact, write an essay. My previous results should have proved that, but obviously it's not something that's going to be eradicated instantaneously. It's a work in progress.

* * *

Onto something completely different and much more entertaining:
The beautiful beauties Tatianna and Becca have kindly awarded me with "The Beautiful Award", for which I am completely and utterly flattered and honored. Thank you, my beautiful girls!

1) What physical features do you love about yourself?
I've always really loved my eyes. Ever since I was a wee little baby Ellie, I've had huge, bright blue eyes. They're almost obtrusive! I love their intensity, their shine, their liveliness. People have often complimented me on their colour, or my eye lashes... It's a confidence boost, but the fact that I love them too means much more. When I got sick, I lost the shine in my eyes. My body was too busy concentrating on keeping me alive to worry about the colour and state of my eyes. Now that I'm getting healthier, though, I've noticed they are increasingly regaining their former character; the dull, lifeless blue is getting brighter, stronger, fuller. It's amazing to watch, and beautiful.
Oh, I also love my bottom lip! It's big. I used to suck on it, as opposed to sucking on my thumb, as a child. Weird, I know! (Angelina Jolie got nothin' on me!)

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?
I'm very concerned about my physical appearance, i.e. my hair, make-up, clothes, etc. I don't wear a lot of make up, but I play up my eyes with eyeliner and mascara every day. I also spend a ridiculous amount of time preparing my hair in the morning. Straighten, tease up, hair wax, mess up/ruffle up hair, make it big, enough hairspray to put a hole in the ozone layer... You get the picture.
I also have a growing collection of perfumes. I love to smell nice. It makes me feel nice.

3) What are you looking forward to?
Corny as it sounds, I'm looking forward to life. Being in this 'barely-existing' place is starting to bother me; I have so many interests, loves, passions, and I want to persue them. I want to go to University, I want to learn about life, people, literature, words, English, language, the history of language... I look forward to learning, learning about the things I am interested in and long to know about.
I look forward to travelling around the world, seeing sights of true beauty, the wonders of the world.
I look forward to sitting in little cafes, watching the world pass me by while, watching people go about their lives.
I look forward to being a part of someone's life, making a difference to one, or many, people.

I look forward to my future, whatever it brings.

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?
The only person who can recover from my Eating Disorder is me. The only one who can make the decision to recover is me. It all comes down to me to recover. Up until recently, I wasn't aiding in my recovery at all. I was working against it. But I changed my mind, for me, not for anyone else.
Although I've started to recover, for real, I've not always wanted to and I've not always been mentally strong enough to make that decision. My parents have been by my side, from Day One, through good and bad and worse. The ups and downs have been taxing, but they've taken it all, they've taken all of my shit, my resistance, my tears and tantrums. Without my parents, I wouldn't be here.

5) What was the very last thing you ate?
I just ate my din-dins, and by golly was it good! Red lentils, sweet potato, pumpkin, yellow squash, brussel sprouts (ewwww, I know, but they actually tasted nice!) with a sprinkling of just about every spice in my spice rack: cinnamon, cardamon, ginger, nutmeg, cummin, ground corriander, tumeric... It was good.

6) What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?
My Dad has been in the process of searching for a laptop for me for... Well, for much longer than my patience can stretch. Finally he found one and ordered one, and it's commmmming! So yes, my laptop is my material object of desire.

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
I have always, always, always wanted to go to Paris. I've never travelled outside of Australia; I've never actually really travelled much at all. We're not an extremely cashed-up family so we've been pretty restricted in that respect, but as a younger child my Dad, my little brother and I went to a few beautiful towns in my state.
But to answer the question, Paris would be my top choice. Then New York. Then all the small, beautiful country towns around Europe. With the little churches, the small pubs that everyone goes to... That's all probably just a dream, though!
I just want to go everywhere, see everything.

8) What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

I've unfortunately got a lot of fear foods yet to conquer. Chocolate, fast food, ice-cream, cream, candy/lollies...
Although I have a lot left to conquer, earlier on in my recovery I was fearful of cheese, peanut butter and meat. I tackled those three things; I eat fish 3 or 4 times a week, cheese has made its way back in, peanut butter is something I eat just about every single day!
Before I was admitted to hospital, I hadn't eaten bread, or anything bread-y, for over a year. I was thrown in the deep end and I ate bread every.single.day while I was there, and I've eaten bread every.day.since then.
I plan on taking things one step at a time. When I feel the time is right, I may take a challenge and scare myself a little.

9) What are your dreams for after ED?
I just want to find happiness. I want to one day be able to love myself.
I want to be doing what I love, and loving what I do, whatever that may be.

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?
I hate these questions because I am always so hypocritical when I answer them!
Suffering from an Eating Disorder has taught me so many things about life, myself, and others. I see the most beautiful people, going through complete and utter tourment, and it pains me to watch, because I know they are so much more than what they're being told by the disordered voice in their heads.
The advice I will give is to live in the moment. Trust those who are trying to help, accept that help or at least consider what they are saying/trying to say. Take advantage of the support that is being offered because it may be the saving grace. Even if at first you are recovering for someone else, do that, because eventually you will begin to find your own voice.
It is not an easy path to walk, but it's not walked alone. Take a hold of the helping hand being offered to you, walk towards the light.
Hope. Believe. Trust.

I am supposed to pass this on to ten people; I know they've all probably been tagged already but here goes: Amy, Kylee, Jennifer, Emily, Amanda, Eva, Ailsa, Rachael, Rhiannon, Sarah.

(OH you have no idea how hard that was!)

We are all beautiful. Each and every one of us, for so many unique reasons.
Even if you don't believe it now, tell yourself you're beautiful, because one day, you will believe it. 

love, love, love.