When words don't form coherent sentences, when they won't string themselves together and paint visual artworks in the mind, I feel defeated. All day I have tried to find some way of expressing my thoughts and feelings, to no avail. When I put pen to paper, a flood of emotions poured themselves into my head; waves of emotions crashed against the walls of my skull in frantic urgency, trying to break through and let themselves be known. How I tried to stop myself from downing in them, how I struggled to stay afloat.
I'm washed up; soaking, numb.
I'm washed up; soaking, numb.
But alive and breathing.
Tomorrow is Monday. Monday brings with it school (cue foreboding music). The first day of school after two weeks of blissfully ignoring my education. That also means I ignored the homework and study I was supposed to have attended to in preparation for an Assessment Task taking place this Tuesday. I realize that it is entirely my fault and I have no one to blame but myself, yet I keep coming up with excuses. The most believable of all is that I have been concentrating more on my health than anything else, which is true, but still not enough. No excuse is enough. I shouldn't need to have an excuse, I shouldn't have to blame my "eating disorder" for the lack of study.
I am stressed. But I will deal.
Stress causes me to lose weight. I can not afford to lose weight.
My Dietitian appointment went better than I expected it to. I did lose weight, but that weight loss hasn't impaired my ability to reason, and it hasn't meant that my independence around food has been taken away.
It has made me realize what needs to be done. I am responsible for myself. My health included. Without my health, I am merely existing. I don't want to just exist, I want to live.
This week is going to be tough. Nothing can prepare me for the onslaught of school work, homework, study. No amount of preparation will be enough to prepare me for the stress, anxiety and fragility of my emotional state in the coming weeks.
But I can ensure I'm able to cope with these things. And that means giving my body what it needs; food.
I must nourish myself. Only with proper nourishment will I be able to survive through the Winter months ahead, and the work-load school is promising to put upon me.
I have all the support I need. I know I only need to ask. I'm trying not to be afraid of asking for help. Asking for help doesn't mean I've failed.
What a pep-talk.
I hope it works.
I'm soaked to the bone from this emotional torrential down-pour. I'm paralyzed by fear of the unknown. No amount of pep-talking is going to help me if I don't start believing in myself.
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for believing in me.
It wouldn't be possible for me to be as strong as I feel now, if it weren't for the support, the love, the motivation and inspiration you have all shown me.
love, love, love.
Tomorrow is Monday. Monday brings with it school (cue foreboding music). The first day of school after two weeks of blissfully ignoring my education. That also means I ignored the homework and study I was supposed to have attended to in preparation for an Assessment Task taking place this Tuesday. I realize that it is entirely my fault and I have no one to blame but myself, yet I keep coming up with excuses. The most believable of all is that I have been concentrating more on my health than anything else, which is true, but still not enough. No excuse is enough. I shouldn't need to have an excuse, I shouldn't have to blame my "eating disorder" for the lack of study.
I am stressed. But I will deal.
Stress causes me to lose weight. I can not afford to lose weight.
My Dietitian appointment went better than I expected it to. I did lose weight, but that weight loss hasn't impaired my ability to reason, and it hasn't meant that my independence around food has been taken away.
It has made me realize what needs to be done. I am responsible for myself. My health included. Without my health, I am merely existing. I don't want to just exist, I want to live.
This week is going to be tough. Nothing can prepare me for the onslaught of school work, homework, study. No amount of preparation will be enough to prepare me for the stress, anxiety and fragility of my emotional state in the coming weeks.
But I can ensure I'm able to cope with these things. And that means giving my body what it needs; food.
I must nourish myself. Only with proper nourishment will I be able to survive through the Winter months ahead, and the work-load school is promising to put upon me.
I have all the support I need. I know I only need to ask. I'm trying not to be afraid of asking for help. Asking for help doesn't mean I've failed.
What a pep-talk.
I hope it works.
I'm soaked to the bone from this emotional torrential down-pour. I'm paralyzed by fear of the unknown. No amount of pep-talking is going to help me if I don't start believing in myself.
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for believing in me.
It wouldn't be possible for me to be as strong as I feel now, if it weren't for the support, the love, the motivation and inspiration you have all shown me.
love, love, love.
16 comments:
Looking after your health and fighting an eating disorder are pretty good priorities that rank above school work. They are not excuses, they are priorities, and you have every right to focus on them.
You do have to believe in yourself, because no matter how much I or anyone else believes in you, this will not count as much as YOU believing in YOU.
Asking for help is a strength, and you have given yourself an excellent pep talk. You DO need adequate nourishment, not only to get through school, but also to have the energy to pursue recovery.
Right now I want to give you a hairdryer to dry yourself off, and an umbrella to protect you from further thunderstorms, because you don't deserve to be soaking wet!
Sarah x
Oh, Eleanor.
My love.
I know you can do this, you are so strong, don't ever doubt that you can fight this, that you can beat this. Remember that you can email/message me ANYTIME, and that nothing can overcome you. Because you are alive. And you are beautiful.
And you are much more than a disorder.
(:
Love, Amy
I know you can do this Eleanor. I know though just how hard that is. Some days you just want to sit in a corner and cry, trust me, I know. But each day that you put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can, or even try a little if you can't do your best, is another day closer to the day you will beat this. Just remember how many of us are here to listen when you need to vent and help you up when you fall. You CAN do this, try to break things down a little, instead of imagining it all as one big whole. The little bits are easier to deal with one at a time, rather than an enormous task that seems like a mountain too hard to climb!
*hugs*
Sarah
Can I just say what an amazing writer you are? Honestly you have talent my friend. :)
You are such an incredibly soul, Eleanor. Just seeing a snippet of your feelings and emotions and from the support you've given me, the amazing advice you willingly resonate. You are simply amazing.
I know it's so hard when school/life causes stress and it's so hard not to turn to our only coping mechanism.. but you said it yourself. You need nourishment, you need food to fuel your brain for not only your studies but for progression in recovering from this.
Tatianna gave me great advice about asking for help: It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It shows character and a sense of worth. And you are worth it, Eleanor. Stay strong sweetie. I know you can do this. I believe in you, so you can too.
I go back to Uni too tomorrow after two weeks of break. And like you, I have done almost no study due to GP appointments, being referred to a psychiatrist etc. Focusing on your health is a valid reason to not done as much as you think you should've though. Without your health, you're not going to be able to do as well with your studies.
Glad to hear your dietician appointment went okay. That's a good realisation to have, and I hope you believe it.
Asking for help is a sign of strength, it takes courage to be able to admit and verbalise if you're struggling. It's far better to ask for help than to wait until things decline and you are forced to have help given to you.
Take care,
-Cassie
I totally understand what you mean by stress causing you to lose weight. I've been going through that bit of rough too but don't ever think of it as failure hun. As you say, you still have the ability to reason and you want to live. You can and you will! So keep believing in yourself even when you feel doubtful. *hugs* You're a fighter and you will win!
Nat xoxo
Eleanor, you might not be able to put your thoughts into words.. but it's apparent that your words have not escaped you. I know I say this all the time, but you are an incredible writer. I am completely blown away when I read your words. Confused? Maybe so.. but you are still a creative genius!
I'm so glad the appointment went well! The fact that you still have the control and the independence over your recovery should not be taken lightly: this was meant to happen. You were meant to have this little scare to help push you further into recovery.
I know you can do this Eleanor. I am still smiling for you ;)
All my love,
<3 Tat
stay strong my beautiful eleanor <3
you can do this and you are so so so bright/amazing. you don't need a test/assessment task to prove that. you've got the whole world on your shoulders and you are STILL pushing through -- it takes a brilliant human being to do that. love you darling <3 keep fighting.
all I have to say is you have a gift.
you're an INCREDIBLE writer.
and you can do this.
Eleanor, WOW!
You CAN write, your words are always amazing and tell a story within themselves, even when you doubt they are!!
With school, excuses, and study, I cannot express how much I am in the same situation. You took the words STRAIGHT from my mouth, I couldn't have said it better.
We will get there, excuses aside, because we know what we have to do and this ED will have to get out of our way to do it!!
Love you sweetheart xo.
i saw that you were following my blog so I had to check out yours. You are a very artistic writer, and from reading a few posts it also seems you have a good head on your shoulders and know what is right! :) keep going!
maddi
xxx
This week is going to be tough, Eleanor. It sounds that way, anyhow :( You are strong though, you CAN do it! Remember how you talked about your hair looking fabulous on facebook? I really loved reading something like that from you - you visibly felt confidence in a physical aspect of your appearance. I want to let you know how proud I am of you (: You are beautiful ! And you can do this. Love you! -Kylee
you can do it!!! and no, asking for help doesn't mean you have failed. asking for help is the first step in recovery - it's the hardest part and it is what shows how brave, strong and determined you are. although recovery isn't easy, it is totally worth it. we were given 1 body and we should love our bodies know matter what stupid ED says. ED has no place in our bodies!
i believe you can beat this, fight ED until he's crying, you shouldn't have to be the one crying.
love you!
http://thehungertowin.blogspot.com
http://thegutgazette.blogspot.com
I'm sorry you are struggling so much but I believe you can do this. I may not have known you long but I know you are a strong person. I know fighting ED can be so hard but you can do it! I know you can!
You are an amazing writer you are so good at expressing yourself.
Feel free to email me anytime my address is ailsamulligan@yahoo.co.uk
xxxx
I'm sorry you are struggling so much but I believe you can do this. I may not have known you long but I know you are a strong person. I know fighting ED can be so hard but you can do it! I know you can!
You are an amazing writer you are so good at expressing yourself.
Feel free to email me anytime my address is ailsamulligan@yahoo.co.uk
xxxx
Poor girl. I've also found myself in the position of not being able to translate thoughts to paper countless times, and I know how absolutely frustrating it can be. However, your words are, as always, beautiful.
Stay strong, hun. I know school brings stress, and I know stress makes ED's voice louder, but hang in there. It will be over soon. The best thing you can do is, like you said, give your body the strength to handle the stress and deal with the workload by nourishing it properly.
You can do this, love. There's no doubt in my mind.
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