I feel this overwhelming need to reach out my hand and be taken away from the place in my head I've been sitting in for a while.
Without knowing it, this desire to be something more than what I am has dwindled and I've stepped back onto the path that leads to destruction and misery.
The facade of happiness is alluring, tempting... Blindly and naively I believed it was real, a genuine happiness. This path couldn't possibly come to an end - a bad one at that. This sense of happiness, the smiles, the laughs, the I'm okay's; they're only the first layer. Pull back the curtains and the truth is exposed.
Without knowing it, this desire to be something more than what I am has dwindled and I've stepped back onto the path that leads to destruction and misery.
The facade of happiness is alluring, tempting... Blindly and naively I believed it was real, a genuine happiness. This path couldn't possibly come to an end - a bad one at that. This sense of happiness, the smiles, the laughs, the I'm okay's; they're only the first layer. Pull back the curtains and the truth is exposed.
And this time, the truth really does hurt.
I can admit I'm happy. But I can't admit I'm healthy. Physically or mentally. I can pretend I am, I can be convinced I am, but somewhere within, underneath the lies and the deceptive thoughts, I know what I'm doing is wrong and I know where I'm going is wrong.
The hardest part is not accepting the truth, but altering the direction. Changing paths, stepping off the easy road and onto the hard road.
Unwilling to be helped along the way, but secretly knowing I need help.
Unwilling to admit that I need help.
Unwilling to admit that I need help.
I am determined to see this through.
I am trying to rid myself of these destructive behaviours.
I am willing to admit I'm struggling.
But I know that I need to do this myself.
I am trying to rid myself of these destructive behaviours.
I am willing to admit I'm struggling.
But I know that I need to do this myself.
This is my life.
This is my life I am potentially throwing away.
The choice is mine. The time to choose is now, not tomorrow, not next week.
Now.
Now.
In this state of happiness I've said things I know come from Eleanor. My passion for knowledge, my love of words and literature, my interest in the human mind, human developement. My curiosity and sense of adventure and my passions are all still there.
This momentary sense of false happiness has made me realize that there is something to strive for.
I have so much potential.
I just can't reach that potential if I hurt my body.
Hurting my body is hurting my mind, and my mind is so important to me.
I'm not giving up. I am not giving in.
I'm struggling, yes. But I can admit that.
And now I'm going to change it.
love, love, love.
This momentary sense of false happiness has made me realize that there is something to strive for.
I have so much potential.
I just can't reach that potential if I hurt my body.
Hurting my body is hurting my mind, and my mind is so important to me.
I'm not giving up. I am not giving in.
I'm struggling, yes. But I can admit that.
And now I'm going to change it.
love, love, love.
7 comments:
Eleanor!
I can tell you as many times as I want, but the truth of the matter is that you are not going to change your behaviour until you truly want to.
I want you to love yourself for all of the amazing qualities that I see when I read your powerful words. You are right - you have incredible potential, but starving yourself is slowly going to strip it away from you. You are so much better than this eating disorder. So much better.
I love you my friend, and I so much faith that you will see the light soon enough :) You are strong, and you can do anything you want.... the only tricky part is figuring out what you truly want.
<3 Tat
change.
change for the BETTER.
change for HEALTH.
you can do it. I have no doubts.
xoxo
I'd love to be that person whose hand drags you out of that difficult place, because the happiness outside of it is even greater than you could ever imagine.
Alas the hand you are looking for is yours, and whilst many of us can beckon to you and call your name from the other side, only you can decide to take the risk and try for something better.
ED limits your little world, so that you are unable to see what is beyond, and I can't wait for the day when you can see for yourself what you have been missing out on.
You can do this.
Sarah x
I'm sorry things are hard right now! ED is deceptive. It takes over and destroys our lives but convinces us that we still have one.
You can do this you deserve to be happy! You will get there it's had but it is doable!
xxxx
my doll,
Eleanor. Your words make me well up with tears at your kindness, friendship, love, and understanding. I wish so much that I could take away all your pain and make you stand in awe of your undeniable and striking beauty and wisdom. You are a gem, Eleanor. A blessed jewel. You are so full of hope even though your horrid ed has stripped you of your sight, that you are not able to see all the beauty that you hold is heartbreaking to me, but at the same time I just know that one day it will happen. You are on the right path and I am here for you through every turn and fork in the road, okay?
You ARE going to change it. I truly know that your strength will pull you out of this, and there will be so much waiting for you on the other side.
Love you so much girl!
amanda <3
I believe in you.
I am sorry you are struggling right now but I know that you can do it! Keep your head up girl and keep fighting! Love you
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