The History:
One Year Ago (2009)
Two weeks from today, Eleanor is officially diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.
Two weeks later, Eleanor turns sixteen.
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Eleanor spent her sixteenth birthday trying to understand what being anorexic meant.
Eleanor spent her sixteenth birthday cold, sick, tired.
Eleanor spent her sixteenth birthday in a state of depression.
Eleanor sat in front of a chocolate sponge cake she'd made in Home Economics, and watched it devoured by her family.
Eleanor's plate stayed empty.
Three weeks after Eleanor turned sixteen, she was admitted to hospital.
For Anorexia Nervosa.
* * *
Two weeks from today, one year will have passed since I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.
In 27 days from today, I will turn seventeen years old.
This realisation hit me today. Almost one year has passed since I had a "label", a way to identify my situation.
In less than a month I'm seventeen. The one year anniversary of a miserable day.
I deleted all the photos from that day. From my camera, from the computer. I didn't want evidence of that day; I looked horrible. The misery, the lifelessness... You didn't just see it, you felt it when looking at those photos.
It brings back memories I want to forget.
These memories serve a purpose, though.
They remind me that I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy on my birthday.
I wasn't celebrating my life.
I was blowing away my life when I blew out the candles on a birthday cake I didn't even eat.
Blowing away my life.
* * *
This Week:
Week Number Two on my "Trial of Independence and Responsibility".
Do I feel like I've tried my hardest? No.
Could I have done better? Yes.
Should I have done better? Yes.
But can I change anything about this week? No, I cannot.
I can only accept that this week has been hard, and I have struggled. But I must keep reminding myself that I haven't failed. I have done what I have done, and the only thing I can do is accept it. I must also accept the consequences if I have not gained weight, or at least maintained my weight.
I am terrified that I have lost weight.
That factor alone indicates a change in mental-state.
But if my weight is down, the likelihood of a heightened mental-awareness is not in the positives. I highly, highly doubt my dietitian will believe I'm chipper mentally if I've dropped the much-needed grams/pounds/ounces/kilos etc.
The past two weeks of food independence has been a long, hard battle.
I believe I've come face-to-face with the demon inside me. I can feel it, I can hear it, I can even almost see it sometimes, and these past two weeks have opened my eyes to just how dangerous, manipulative and destructive it is.
I'm terrified that if I have lost weight, I will no longer be trusted in preparing my own meals and 'fending' for myself.
The rational part of me knows that this is understandable; take away some of my 'control' and there is less of an opportunity for me to give in to my demon.
But then, if I don't have that control, how am I to learn to face this demon and overcome it?
I have a head full of thoughts and a stomach full of [metaphorical] butterflies. I am so nervous; I want so bad to prove my worth. To prove to not only my parents but to myself that I CAN do it.
Tomorrow is the decider.
There is no use in worrying about tomorrow, because it will come no matter how much I wish otherwise.
There's no use in worrying about the past, because what's done is done.
The only thing I can do is make the most of the Here-and-Now. This is where I am, and this is what counts.
I can reflect all I want on my past, but that wont change what's happened.
All I can do with my reflections of my past is to learn from them, grow from them, take them with me on my journey to tomorrow, and keep them safe with me today.
love, love, love.
LIVE.
11 comments:
This is so true - all you can do is learn from the past and use it to make a better future. The same goes for tomorrow when it happens, once it has happened you cannot change it, but you do have the power to change what happens next and make it better.
It's a weird coincidence that it is nearly a year to the day since I was admitted to hospital too. It just goes to show that it is possible to leave the past behind. You are too young to have this illness blighting your life Eleanor. It took me twenty four years to realise what mattered in life...hopefully you will reach this conclusion sooner than me ;)
I hope your seventeenth birthday can be the extra special day that you truly deserve and with many more amazing days to come.
Sarah x
lovely statement there sweetie- so very true.
i believe that this year you are even more stronger and wiser than you were a year ago and you truely know what it is that makes you smile. i hope that you can do that, and your pictures can be seen as memories of happiness & great times!
rhiannon
xo.
You're so right. We can't change what's happened but we can change our present and our future. Hun, you deserve to have a beautiful 17th birthday. Birthdays are a celebration of life - your life! *hugs* Stay strong!
Much Love,
Nat XOXO
I know all too well how painful it can be to remember 'blowing away your life' on your birthday. But it's amazing that you realize that you shouldn't dwell on it. This year, in 27 days, you are going to have your chance to blow the candles out for real. To extinguish the fiery flame that is your eating disorder once and for all... to show yourself that you can do it, and it is worth it.
You know what? I am happy that you are finding the whole responsibility thing to be a bit tougher than you thought. You know why? Because that means it's working.
It is not going to be easy, and if it is, you know you're not doing something right!
I love you girl, and you have no idea how proud you have made me over the past few days.
<3 Tat
I can totally relate to this post Eleanor - i too sometimes dwell in the past and wish i had done things differently but remember that the past is done and finished - the only thing we can do is learn from it and move on - i am so proud of you for wanting to change and live freely without Ed and I know that you can do this!!!!!!! Today is a new day - a day full of promise and changes - i believe in you Eleanor and know that this birthday is going to be wonderful!!!! Keep fighting and stay strong!!!!!
xoxo aimee
I have the same kind of painful memories of past birthdays/holidays/celebrations which my ED decided to attend with me. But you know what? As painful as they are to remember, I use them to motivate me to never let myself get back to that place. I look at past miseries and decide that I want none of those in my future. We can't dwell on the past, but we must learn from our mistakes and do our best to not repeat them.
I'm glad that you realize that you weren't happy back then and I'm keeping you in my prayers so that you find the strength to make your next birthday a better one <3
I can totally relate; I hate thinking back on times when I was so buried under my ED. But you're right, instead of dwelling on it, you need to focus all your energy on making the best of RIGHT NOW so you never get back to such a dark place again.
You should be so proud of yourself for the progress you've made in a year. I know that whatever happens tomorrow, you'll be able to make the best of it so you can shed ED for good. Much love! x
good luck my darling ellie.
you will be absolutely fine, no matter what.
i can hear the life back in your voice, and it makes me so happy. stay strong!! <3
You are so right, hun.
Stay in the moment, right now is what counts. I know you can do this, Eleanor.. I know it in my heart. You must keep fighting your demons and confront them. You need this.. I believe in you.
<3
take your past, use it, learn from it.
you are way too valuable to go through that unhappiness again. move forward into the future with a new outlook. strive to be the best - healthy and NOURISHED.
xoxo
stay strong girl!
keep fighting this.
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