A little circus parades itself round and round my head; marching out of time to the beat of my heart, the circus folk dance along the frenzy of thoughts strung about the walls of my mind.
A pretty scene.
Red balloons, blue balloons, white balloons dance up towards the roof of a red and white striped circus tent. Cannons shoot streamers, glitter, puffs of smoke. Magicians and their white rabbits, clowns and their big shoes. Pretty girls riding ponies and the marching band playing tunes.
Twirling, swinging, screaming, singing, twisting, turning, tumbling.
All competing for attention, centre stage.
A circus without a Ring Leader is a chaotic circus, indeed!
That, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, is currently taking place in my head.
* * *
I don't know where this is leading, honestly. It was mostly an attempt at getting some creative juices flowing after the lack of said juices for much too long. Unfortunately, I feel no creativity pulsing through my veins, instead a rising dread is slowly starting to seeps its was through to my beating heart. How that heart beats. Getting louder, louder, louder, as the clock on the wall gets closer, closer, closer to the time that seals my fate.
An appointment I'd gladly avoid awaits me at 9:30am this Saturday morning. Three weeks of no Dietary appointments has been bliss... In the sense that I haven't had to see a Dietitian for three weeks. Bliss doesn't describe the other happenings of my life thus far, but that's something I'm working on.
These past three weeks, I have had a lot more independence food-wise than I have had in the past. The results of my three week trial will be dictated by the number on the scale, and the number on the scale alone.
I feel, in a way, like the only thing that matters is what this number is. This number, my physical weight on the Planet Earth, is The Decider, it is what all decisions regarding my future are based upon. To a point, it makes sense. But only to a point. Beyond that point, it becomes obscene. That a number, a few digits, declares a "win" or a "lose", a "good" or a "bad", IS obscene. It's infuriating. I am not a number, I am not just that damned weight. I am more than that.
I want my mental state to be taken into consideration here, too.
I don't feel as if I've lost weight, as my mental clarity hasn't been lacking. I've needed these few weeks of food-independence to start to learn what it's like to be responsible for myself again. After so long of being babied, having meals served up to me, I've become almost dumb in regards to looking after and feeding myself. That's not right.
It hasn't been easy. It's been... Well, it's been ridiculously and shamefully hard, to feed myself properly.
But for the first time since I was diagnosed with Anorexia, I feel like I am mentally eating.
As bizzare as that sounds, it is how I have been feeling. I am listening to cravings, I am giving mysel what I need.
I'm no where near good at this, yet. I have been freaking out beyond explainable as this week has wore on, and I've been eating extreme volumes of honey and peanut butter in a panic.
Afterwards, I feel disgusting and horrible. But I've been doing it because I actually care about my weight. I care if I have lost weight, I care if I have gained.
I don't want to have lost weight.
I'm not too keen on the 'gaining weight' side of recovery, but you know what? Eleanor has almost, almost come to the conclusion that this gaining weight is necessary if she is to ever get her life back.
Gaining weight is only part of it.
It's not everything. It's not only my weight. It's my life.
My life.
* * *
You have all been so amazing. You are all amazing. This journey is no where near the end, but I hold onto the glimmer of hope that sometimes flutters past. I'm chasing this idea of life, in the hope that it will lead to something desired, something beautiful.
You have all helped me on this journey, and I can truthfully say I would not be where I am now if it weren't for you.
I may be scared out of my panties about the Dietitian appointment today, but I can't let that hold me down and back from the things I have achieved in these few weeks. Ups & downs, goods & bads, the inbetweens... I've gotten through them all and I am where I am now, which is all that matters.
love, love, love.
A pretty scene.
Red balloons, blue balloons, white balloons dance up towards the roof of a red and white striped circus tent. Cannons shoot streamers, glitter, puffs of smoke. Magicians and their white rabbits, clowns and their big shoes. Pretty girls riding ponies and the marching band playing tunes.
Twirling, swinging, screaming, singing, twisting, turning, tumbling.
All competing for attention, centre stage.
A circus without a Ring Leader is a chaotic circus, indeed!
That, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, is currently taking place in my head.
* * *
I don't know where this is leading, honestly. It was mostly an attempt at getting some creative juices flowing after the lack of said juices for much too long. Unfortunately, I feel no creativity pulsing through my veins, instead a rising dread is slowly starting to seeps its was through to my beating heart. How that heart beats. Getting louder, louder, louder, as the clock on the wall gets closer, closer, closer to the time that seals my fate.
An appointment I'd gladly avoid awaits me at 9:30am this Saturday morning. Three weeks of no Dietary appointments has been bliss... In the sense that I haven't had to see a Dietitian for three weeks. Bliss doesn't describe the other happenings of my life thus far, but that's something I'm working on.
These past three weeks, I have had a lot more independence food-wise than I have had in the past. The results of my three week trial will be dictated by the number on the scale, and the number on the scale alone.
I feel, in a way, like the only thing that matters is what this number is. This number, my physical weight on the Planet Earth, is The Decider, it is what all decisions regarding my future are based upon. To a point, it makes sense. But only to a point. Beyond that point, it becomes obscene. That a number, a few digits, declares a "win" or a "lose", a "good" or a "bad", IS obscene. It's infuriating. I am not a number, I am not just that damned weight. I am more than that.
I want my mental state to be taken into consideration here, too.
I don't feel as if I've lost weight, as my mental clarity hasn't been lacking. I've needed these few weeks of food-independence to start to learn what it's like to be responsible for myself again. After so long of being babied, having meals served up to me, I've become almost dumb in regards to looking after and feeding myself. That's not right.
It hasn't been easy. It's been... Well, it's been ridiculously and shamefully hard, to feed myself properly.
But for the first time since I was diagnosed with Anorexia, I feel like I am mentally eating.
As bizzare as that sounds, it is how I have been feeling. I am listening to cravings, I am giving mysel what I need.
I'm no where near good at this, yet. I have been freaking out beyond explainable as this week has wore on, and I've been eating extreme volumes of honey and peanut butter in a panic.
Afterwards, I feel disgusting and horrible. But I've been doing it because I actually care about my weight. I care if I have lost weight, I care if I have gained.
I don't want to have lost weight.
I'm not too keen on the 'gaining weight' side of recovery, but you know what? Eleanor has almost, almost come to the conclusion that this gaining weight is necessary if she is to ever get her life back.
Gaining weight is only part of it.
It's not everything. It's not only my weight. It's my life.
My life.
* * *
You have all been so amazing. You are all amazing. This journey is no where near the end, but I hold onto the glimmer of hope that sometimes flutters past. I'm chasing this idea of life, in the hope that it will lead to something desired, something beautiful.
You have all helped me on this journey, and I can truthfully say I would not be where I am now if it weren't for you.
I may be scared out of my panties about the Dietitian appointment today, but I can't let that hold me down and back from the things I have achieved in these few weeks. Ups & downs, goods & bads, the inbetweens... I've gotten through them all and I am where I am now, which is all that matters.
love, love, love.
9 comments:
oh my goodness baby -- I am so proud of you. I can totally relate to having that number dictate how we are seen in recovery, and how frustrating it is. But i am right there with you!! Im so proud of you for turning this around; I can hear a complete change in your words and views from a few posts ago. Keep strong love. You are so beautiful and amazing; you DESERVE recovery and happiness.
I love you to the moon and back!
2 things.
(1) you are completely right, recovery is impossible without weight restoration. It's not only weight you gain back, but clarity.
(2) you ARE more than a number. Hell, a number is NOTHING of what you are. Numbers move, fluctuate, up, down, who cares. They're not what make you; they change. Mental recovery is so important and so overlooked; I'm so proud of you for gaining something so much more important than weight.
I remember back when I still did OP stuff, I was always so frustrated by how my doctors ONLY based my progress on my weight. I mean, they spent so much time telling me that I shouldn't base my self worth on a number, but they were doing that exact thing to me! You're amazing for being smarter than your dietitian and starting to work on the mental aspects of recovery too. Keep listening to your inner voice that's telling you what and how much to eat, because it knows best what your body needs.
Stay strong love x
I can relate to this very well my dear… there was a time for me when I felt like I was useless in the realm of creativity. I would sit and try to write, but nothing came.. I would try to paint but it never worked out.. I would try to even read a novel and it was like my imagination had just completely shut down. Don't be discouraged - your body is going through some pretty crazy things right now and it is only natural that you aren't going to feel 100% all the time. Sure, ELEANOR is a beautifully creative writer, but you aren't always yourself right now.
Eleanor is starting to shine through, and even though you feel like you aren't so good at being responsible and learning how to properly take care of yourself, you are taking a stand and continuing to try. That, my beautiful friend, is the only thing that matters.
Your weight does not, and can not define you. Ever. If you end up having lost weight, you are going to have to deal with the consequences but that does not mean that you failed. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU for finally starting TO CARE about yourself. You deserve everything this world has to offer and more. You have no idea how much this post has made me smile.
I love you sweetie :)
<3 Tat
Can I just say I love the circus analogy that opens this post.
I can hear Eleanor's voice much louder and clearer in this post than it has been for a long time, and for that I am truly glad. As the other commenters have said, whatever the number, it does NOT define you as a person.
Whatever happens today, does not make recovery any less likely or possible. Work with whatever outcome occurs, and use it to spur you on.
That lovely girl Eleanor is worth taking care of, and in time she too will realise this to its maximum potential.
Let's hear more of Eleanor, because she has a lovely sweet voice that is definitely worth hearing.
Sarah x
I can see progression here, even if your weight hasnt goneup much I can see a change in the way you are writing, I can see you coming through.
Its good your listeningto your body and tuning into cravings, thats difficult to do so keep at it. Your body is very wise and knows what it wants.
Recovery is a lot of little steps all building up to one big picture, so even just by doing little things are the start thats good you can then work on them more and more :-)
I hope your appointment goes well, I know they can be very stressful.
xox
Laura
i hope everything went okay at the dietiicians - I'm sure everything went well!
and you're right...it's not about the weight, it's about life!
(thanks for checking out my new blog and leaving such a kind comment, such nice words from you and it really is so great to have so much support!)
i've actually been following your blog for a while not, but from another blog i write (http://thegutgazette.blogspot.com).
i always feel like i am reading about myself when i read your posts. stupid ed, eh?
take care of yourself hun! you can beat this down!!
Ladyy,
I hope everything goes well at your appt this morning. Even since the time I 'first lay eyes upon your blog', I've noticed such tremendous growth and am so so proud of you.
Mental eating is something that takes practice and patience-- I know I struggle with acceptance everyday. Just keep moving forward, mental stability will join the healthy physical state in good time.
hope you have a wonderful weekend, lovely
It's so frustrating to feel like a number. Like all of your self worth is in whether or not the scale reads something that they want. The people who want that number are focusing on just that side of your recovery because that's the only part that they understand. It's not the mental side that they can help you "fix". I have to keep this in mind as well when my mom or others, ask me if I've gained. It's all they understand...
<3 Tori
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