There is an imaginary line I'm not allowed to cross. Like a childhood game of don't-step-on-the-cracks, a faultering or mis-judged step means failure.
"Don't step on the crack, or you'll break your mother's back."
Barriers, rules, guidelines. You have to do things a certain way, or else the game is not worth playing.
Life isn't a game though, is it?
I'm a chess piece, a Checker board, a rolling dice. Playing against myself.
* * *
My mind is everywhere.
I'm struggling. Cries for help go unheard - they're dead and dry before they reach my lips. I'm stuck inside this body with no means of control. I'm possessed by something outside of myself, something alien and unknown.
I'm voiceless. Whatever's crept inside of me is leaking through my body and rendering me helpless.
Why have I given up fighting?
I'm struggling even to put these words out to the world. This is a cry for help but not one that will be heard by the ones who need it most. I'm ashamed; ashamed to admit I've failed.
I'm struggling even to put these words out to the world. This is a cry for help but not one that will be heard by the ones who need it most. I'm ashamed; ashamed to admit I've failed.
Who am I failing, though? Is it them, or is it me?
None of this makes sense, and it hurts me to write such meaningless words. I almost feel like it's a waste - what purpose is this serving other than me complaining and moaning?
I am so sick of myself.
I tell myself to quit bitching, man up, do something about it.
But I feel too weak to do anything.
But I feel too weak to do anything.
Am I too weak? Or am I just telling myself I'm too weak? Convincing myself the lie is a truth?
* * *
I'm losing hope.
But I don't want to give up.
14 comments:
I know what it's like to feel stuck. I was there for quite some time before I crossed that line and started breaking the ED's rules. After having lived with them for so long it's going to be hard, especially making up new ones to replace them. Your own rules, for living a happy and recovered life.
You have the strength, you have all the tools you need, but you need to have confidence in yourself, your ability to cross the line and stick to a new path. This requires a leap of faith, because you don't know what's at the end of that new road. The road to recovery. All I can say is that it's way better than the road that the ED wants you to take. That only leads to death.
I can empathise with your confusion, and it takes everyone time to find something within themselves that enables the line to be crossed. Please don't leave it until it's too late...
There are so many things about you that are absolutely worth fighting for Eleanor.
Sarah x
You are definitely NOT WEAK!! Do not believe those lies, downright lies and falsities the ED is trying to mameand render you helpless with.
YOU,ELEANOR, are NOT WEAK OR HELPLESS - YOU, ELEANOR are SO BRAVE, COURAGEOUS, DETERMINED, ABLE, INSPIRING, SENSIBLE, UNBREAKABLE!! YES, YOU ARE, even though at this point, EDs voice seems to be drowning out yours.
Do not rthink for a moment about giving up - you cannot and i believe you will not!!
Eleanor, the real you knows and believes and trusts that there IS A WAY OUT OF THIS TRAP - YOU just need to believe YOU ARE WORTH SAVING!!
If you can't believe it yourself right now, listen to us, all the people out here who read your blog and love you, support you, understand you and are holding you and NOT LETTING YOU GO.
PLEASE listen to and cling to and believe us, until that part of Eleanor is strong enough again, to KNOW SHE IS WORTH SAVING and RESCUING!!
HANG ONTO US, Sweetheart.
Life is not a game and we will not just pack up the puzzle pieces and toss them back in the box, just because they aren't fitting together all that well at the moment - we will persevere because the end result, A WHOLE ELEANOR, with all her puzzle pieces and game parts fitting,IS JUST SO INCREDIBLY WORTH STICKING AROUND FOR.
We are with you sweetheart, no matter how you feel right now, we are not letting you go.
You are a precious soul and you WILL BE FREE, I PROMISE YOU THIS.
Jennifer xx
It's funny I just posted about trust, about me trusting in the process of getting better, of being able to close my eyes and fall back and let someone else catch me, to trust they won't let me fall. It's so hard. I feel for me right now, I keep getting ready to fall, but then at the last second opening my eyes and taking a step back as I am about to fall and stopping myself. I think Sarah is right, it's that leap of faith that we can do this. It is so so hard and I really understand this. I am here right now too wish I could trust, but still not quite being there yet. I will one day and so will you! Be gentle with yourself!
*hugs*
Sarah
Eleanor - you are NOT weak and you are NOT failing!!!!! I know right now you are struggling but I know you can do this - we are all here for you - you are so much stronger than your Ed and you have so much to live for!!!!!!
Please do not give up - i believe in you!!!!!! xoxo aimee
Eleanor - you are anything but weak and pwerless here. I know it feels like you are at the end of your rope, but it's not true. You have every single quality that you need to get out of this dark place, you just need to figure out how to utilize them.
It's hard to even think about the world outside of the one that you are stuck in, but believe me when I tell you that it truly does exist. All you need is one good push coming from within your soul, and you will see how much better life can be on the other side.
I have so much faith in you Eleanor - don't let this bring you down. You still have such a wonderful life to live, and I can't wait until you get there.
I love you dearly :)
Tat
Eleanor- you are such a strong amazing person. I may not know you in person but you still give me a massive amount of support.
I know fighting is so hard and that sometimes it feels like we're never going to win but I have faith in you. I know you can do this! If you ever want to talk or anything email me or add me on facebook and message me.
I believe in you!
xxxx
Don't lose hope, beautiful. You can and will overcome this. You have such a beautiful spirit. ED will try with all the might in the world to drag you down, but you CAN overcome. I love you Eleanor! I know you feel stuck, but everything will be okay. Being stuck gives you a chance to become even stronger by pulling out of it. -Kylee
Eleanor,
You're not a failure. Someone once said don't judge those who try and fail but those who fail to try. You are trying to get better. It's clear in your post that you don't want to stop trying, you just feel a little hopeless right now. That's not failure.
You're doing the best you can with what you have now at this very moment. No one would expect more from you than what you're capable of giving, so why are you demanding so much more? This too shall pass.
Oh sweetie, I know exactly where you are and it is so hard to feel stuck like this. All I can say is that you are absolutely not powerless, you aren't weak. You have so much power in you but it's hidden away by that wretched ED. You have so much strength, so much beauty, don't give up hope, Eleanor, like you have told me, you are strong, worthy and beautiful and deserve every great thing that life brings. Choose life, hun, choose health, happiness, joy. That road of misery is not the life you want.
I believe in you. Please keep fighting.
Don't lose hope, love, you have to hold on to hope, if nothing else. The initial leap over that line is a hard one to make, as it requires the most faith that what you find on the other side will be better than what you currently have. But believe me when I say that life on the other side of the line is infinitely better than life on the side of the line that you're currently in.
You have the strength to overcome this, hun, but you have to gather up all that strength and make that leap of faith. Believe in yourself. Believe in the fact that life could be better. Believe in the comfort and freedom provided by recovery, and do all you can to make that leap of faith.
Please don't give up hope. I know how hard it is when it seems like you can't get past a certain point and you don't know how to reach out. But you've come so far and you will get through this too. I know there were times when I thought I would never get through but if you keep going even when it seems you are getting nowhere eventually you will get through this.
xoxo
don't give up. you are not too weak, never will be. there is nothing handicapping you from getting better but this voice in your head that you have the power to defy. do it. i know you can.
xoxo
thank you for your beautiful comment. It made me cry.
we're stronger than we even realize <3
You, Eleanor, are not weak, not in the slightest. Look a few posts back when you bought new jeans. You were so happy that you'd taken care of your body, that you were on your way to real happiness. THAT is most definitely strength. Your eating disorder is the weak one, the one who's afraid of change. Don't let it convince you that fighting isn't worth it, because you've got such a great future stretching out ahead of you. I believe in you girl. x
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