A healthy mind needs a healthy body.
A healthy body needs a healthy mind.
A half plus a half equals a whole.
Simple.
So why is it so much harder to actually put those two things together, to make the whole? To make me?
I can't be, I refuse to be, half a person. But unless I actually do something about it, I'm going to continue being this half-human for the rest of my miserable days.
I am worth so much more than that, and deep down I know this. My days should not be filled with thoughts of food, fears of food, guilt about food. They should not be cut short because I don't have the energy to last a whole day at school. They should not be spent sitting at my desk procrastinating and stressing about my school work, or curled up in bed pretending that school work doesn't exist.
I shouldn't be thinking about how bad my life is.
The demands on my health, and the concentration on my health has lead me to push aside the demands of school and my education.
This has caused unlimited amounts of stress, disgust, shame and disappointment.
In trying to look after myself; in trying to better my health and beat this Eating Disorder, my grades have slowly started to recede and my attention on school has drifted elsewhere. This seems almost like I'm being punished for trying to look after myself.
Shouldn't I be being rewarded? Shouldn't me nurturing myself and giving myself nourishment be bringing with it my attention span, alertness and concentration? Shouldn't it be giving me energy? Shouldn't I be feeling happy, and ultimately well?
Am I doing something wrong? Am I not doing it right? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Should I, in fact, actually be doing anything?
All of these questions plague me, day and night.
I constantly feel like I am not ever doing enough. There is always too much of everything to do and I simply don't have enough time and enough energy to do everything. I'm trying to balance recovery with school. But it's not working.
In trying to balance my health (physically and mentally/emotionally) and school (school work, study, homework) I am becoming overwhelmed and failing in both categories.
I'm always lagging behind, trying to catch up with myself.
Like running on a running wheel; the donkey following the carrot but never quite reaching it. Striving for something that I simply cannot attain.
* * *
I'm not sure much of what I've said has made any sense.
I'm so frustrated that my expression isn't eloquent, flowing, metaphorical or allegorical. I wish I could put my thoughts into words that didn't sound so self-absorbed; I wish I could relate my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings, to something of worth, instead of complaining endlessly about problems whose solutions are staring me right in the face.
* * *
The early morning sunlight streaming in from the window bathed her in a warm glow. Her teary, tired eyes watched the steam from her hot cup of chamomile tea cascade into the cold morning air; twirling, dancing with her shuddering breath. It amazed her that such a simple thing could be so beautiful - the movement so calming and soothing.
Nothing else mattered, in that moment. Only the warmth of the sun on her back and the steam drifting up and away into the atmosphere had her attention. If only it could last.
I have moments of tranquility. Moments of peace. They don't last, but when they're there, I treasure them.
I don't really know what's going to happen.
I'm too afraid to go to school, but I'm afraid of not going to school.
I haven't the motivation, but I love to learn.
I don't want to do my school work, but I want to do well at school.
My mind must have drifted away with the steam... I'm uncertain about everything and certain about nothing. The only thing I know for sure is that this place I am now is not where I want to be.
The future is terrifying.
It's coming, regardless. But I have the ability to make things happen.
It's all up to me.
love, love, love.
11 comments:
Recovery does take alot of effort, and I found that I had to accept that the pieces of work I did for uni whilst I was recovering would not necessarily be my best.
However, this is sometimes a necessary sacrifice. It may SEEM like you are being punished, but your body is simply taking stock of the fact that you are finally prioritising IT rather than the ED, and changing old behaviours takes alot more energy and concentration than sticking to them.
This is a short term sacrifice for long term happiness. A life with ED is not sustainable long term, and it's better to focus everything on getting recovery right, and doing it NOW, because the rest of your life is at stake.
It's going to be hard work, and recovery is very challenging, but the only way to get through it is to keep believing in the end product. There is health and happiness at the end of that tunnel, and you may have to make some sacrifices on the way, but it's so so worth it. You will thank yourself a thousand times over for this in the years to come.
Sarah x
HUGS!
You should be so proud of yourself that not only are you dealing with school and all its stresses,(which is plenty for most people) but you are also trying to recover from a serious illness at the same time.
I think you have to put YOURSELF first and accept that your shoolwork may suffer for a bit but it is a necessary sacrifice in the long run to get better, healthy and happy.
I promise things WILL improve and you will start to feel better but it does take alot of time and energy (all the more reason to be eating properly to fuel your mind!)
It will be worth it in the end, and I am now really starting to realise that.
Keep strong, you can do it!
xxxx
Oy, can I relate to this post. It really doesn't seem fair that when you're trying so hard to recover and enjoy life again, you still have to work your ass off at school.. I don't know how much this will help, but I promise you that it DOES get easier. As you gain weight and continue eating more, your thoughts will miraculous become a lot clearer- you'll be able to answer those questions about balance you're struggling with now.
So hang in there love. Your school work may have to suffer for a bit now but it'll be sooo worth it when you're healthy again and filled with more life than you've ever been before. x
Eleanor - you cannot be expected to preform brilliantly every single day in both recovery AND school - juggling them both is not easy, and the fact that you are putting in an honest effort is amazing.
DO NOT let this bring you down. When I was in school, I literally couldn't do it. It was too much for me, and my recovery didn't end up taking off until I graduated. Sometimes it's hard to admit that we need help.. especially if that means admitting that we need to take some time off of school.
I am not saying you can't do it, because you are so much stronger than you even know.. but I am saying that if it has to be one or the other, is HAS to be your health. There is nothing more important.. and school will ALWAYS be waiting.
Hang in there beautiful :)
I love you!
<3 Tat
hey girl -
just stumbled on your blog, and i wish i could hug you right now.
the crazy thing is? the BEST place to be is where you know you DON'T want to be.
because you will change.
you will do something about it.
you will succeed.
when you know you aren't satisfied, you WILL do something about it.
i can't wait to watch you flourish. never give up!
-r
Eleanor, love, please don't beat yourself up over the fact that you may not be doing as well in school as you want to be doing. Balancing recovery and school is one of the hardest things to do, and usually one or the other suffers. There were times that I had to leave school to focus on my health because I couldn't handle the added stress that all the schoolwork put on me.
Your health needs to come first, love, because a brain that isn't properly nourished, is a brain that not performing to it's fullest potential. In the darkest days of my ED, I spent basically all my time in a mental fog; completely oblivious to most everything around me unless it was food related.
You aren't being punished for starting to look after yourself, but it will take some time for your body to heal and your mind to allow you to focus on the things you want to focus on. Stay strong and stick with it, Eleanor, because that's the only way to get the life you want. The one in which you can pursue your dreams without the constant fears and obsessions revolving food.
Recovery is a priority, you are not being punished for it, you are just not allowing the rewards to come to you yet, rewards will come following in beautiful as soon as you let them, you need to open your life and allow positive things that recovery brings becuase sometimes even though its doesn't feel like it, you are stopping recovery bringing happiness becuase we don't want happiness from recovery, we would rather recovery to be bad, so bad something not worth it, but it is worth it your worth it <3
ahh my sweet eleanor,
please stay strong. you are NOT doing anything wrong, this is just the way recovery goes sometimes. it's really tough and you have to really fight hard to keep pushing forward, but I know you can do it! i have so much faith in you beautiful girl. so so much.
love you <3
Just know that I'm sending you so much love...hang on, Eleanor. Have faith in yourself. You CAN recover! And the happiness it brings is worth it, so don't give up!
Eleanor,
I can relate so deep to this post. It is me a year ago. I was desperately trying to drive to cars (pr in my environmental case : bicycles ) at the same time. Both trying to be a good student and recover. It failed. It left me stressed and with low self-worth.
Recovery is something so intense, it takes so much energy, motivation and time that there is very difficult to combine it with something as demanding as school.
I understand your desire to learm, but is it desirable to not be able to learn fully, only half-way? To try to keep your head above the water, and not be truely present in the process of gathering knowledge.
The school and world of knowledge will be there, they will wait for you. They will not shut you out if you decide to take a break in order to concentrate on yourself, they will not blame you.
What will not wait is your body, your body needs to heal right now.
Know that you will always have my support,
Hedda.
Sweetie, if school and recovery is too much to handle at the same time, it's okay to say so. It's okay to reach up and say "I just need a freakin' break!" You are entitled to that, just as everyone is and you need to do what you need to do to heal. Your love to learn, your love to get better, it will all be repaid, dear. You will benefit in one way or another but you need to stay in the moment. The moment that you described with the sun and swirling steam.. moments like will keep you grounded and 'in the now.' You are truly amazing, Eleanor, you know you can do this and we all believe in you.
<3
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