It all seems so surreal; like everything is happening around me while I stand in a box where time stands still. I watch the world flash past: the blur of life.
I watch myself pack my life into a suitcase. I watch myself look into the mirror, staring at a stranger. I see the questions building up behind her eyes. Her eyes are so bright, yet so dull. Those eyes, they were once full of laughter, now full of fear. The eyes that once burst with life now gleam with tears that threaten to spill over and down a face once glowing with life.
Over the course of almost two years, I've watched myself waste away. I've seen it all happen, but being inside that box confines me to that box alone. I am a mere bystander. A watcher.
That box I once called home, I now fear. It's dark in there. It's lonely. I don't want to just watch anymore. I don't want to watch myself cry, I don't want to watch myself hurt, I don't want to watch myself wither away into nothingness.
I don't want to watch myself blossom and bloom, either.
I want to be the one blossoming and blooming.
I can't thank you all enough for your support, your kind thoughts, well-wishes and love. You all mean the world to me, and I can honestly say that being a part of this community has opened my eyes to a much brighter, more beautiful world. I've seen growth, I've seen flourishing life, I've seen discoveries made and experiences had.
It's my time now.
I'm diving into unknown waters, and I am terrified.
I don't know what to expect, yet I am trying to create possibilities in my head that are so ridiculously intricate that I know I'm ultimately setting myself up for disappointment. I do not have control over what happens and I need to keep reminding myself of that.
The possibility of me being admitted is just that, a possibility. There is no certainty, because there may not be any beds.
I just have to let it be.
Whatever happens, happens. I will take it from there.
One foot after the other, one step at a time.
The place I'm going is public, not private. Money doesn't come into it. I know that so many people don't get the opportunity to go into hospital, which makes me feel slightly awful that I'm doing this. But at the same time, the opportunity has been presented to me, and taking the opportunity is the only thing I can do, because I know it's the only thing that will help. I wish that no one had to go through the horrors of an eating disorder.
I don't know if I will have internet access straight away (OH MY GOD THAT CAN'T HAPPEN) so I don't know when I'll be able to update you all on the happenings, but as soon as I can, I will.
You are all in my thoughts.
You are all in my heart.
You are all a part of my journey and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love you all, more than I know how to express. You are truly amazing girls, amazing people, amazing friends.
Thank you.
love, love, love.
9 comments:
I want to give you a big hug and wish you all the best for this. You are going into things with an amazingly positive attitude and I'm sure this will see you through. You deserve this opportunity and you deserve to get better.
Please keep us posted if and when you can, but you go girl! Things are going to get alot brighter for you :-)
Sarah x
You have such an admirable and strong attitude, Eleanor. Honestly, I get lost for words.
Reading your posts make me filled with pride, with a sense of hope. Because you are really on your way. I think that the chance of hospital changed something in you, that it switched on some lights. It sparked a much needed fire and belief that you can get back to life.
Because you can. You can be the one living, you can be the one standing in life. You can be the one smiling genuinly, you can be the one taking healthy steps down the road of life. You can.
" I watch myself look into the mirror, staring at a stranger. "
This was so strong, this brought back feelings in me. I remember standing in front of the mirror, all confused. I saw a person, but who or what was this person? It was not me, not the person I thought I was. It was just a shadow, a desperate and afraid shadow. It was a little sparkle of life in the eyes, but it was so weak. It all felt hopeless, impossible. But the past months has taught me that it is possible to make the sparkle of life stronger. Through food, rest and mental strength you come back, you start to live again.
You are in my thoughts and in my every heartbeat. I think you are beautiful. I think you are more than I manage to express with words.
Know that I am with you in my mind when you walk through the doors to the hospital. When you see the doctors. When you are fighting. I am with you.
good luck eleanor! my heart is broken reading this :(
i want you to know that there is always hope and you WILL pull through, love. you have everyone's support here and the willpower deep inside yourself is so much stronger than you realize; you just have to tap into it.
they will take care of you there...just remember that everything happens for a reason. you are in good hands now, girl. keep your head up! i love you!
♥ lindsey
Not a day will go by where I am not thinking of you, my dearest Eleanor :)
I know exactly what you are talking about when you describe yourself as a watcher, because that's exactly how I felt through my eating disorder as well. But you know what? Regardless of whether or not you are admitted, you get to watch yourself flourish. You get to watch as your body and mind heal themselves, until you get to the point where you don't have to watch anymore, and you become an actual participant in your life.
Whether or not you actually go to hospital, YOU can turn your life around.. and I know you will.
LOVE you, and I can't WAIT for the update!
<3 Tat
thinking of you.
<3<3
you can do it.
loveee
emily
You are in my thoughts, my heart, and my prayer, love... never forget that others are walking beside you on this journey, and think of us in the moments that you feel alone and scared <3
I, too, know how it feels to watch my life pass me by... wishing I could participate and direct it, but not having the energy or motivation to do so. But, hun, by making this decision to get healthy, you are directing where your life is going, and you are moving away from simply being a watcher.
Whatever happens, hun, I know in my heart that you will beat this time. It will take time. It will take struggles. But you will overcome them all and find the beautiful person that you are.
<3 <3
Your incredibly brave, Im thinking of you lots and hope this really works out for you,
xox
Laura
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BEAUTIFUL ELEANOR <3 Never EVER forget how amazing you are.
I want to say that you are DEFINITELY not setting yourself up for disappointment! Things are only disappointing if you let them disappoint you! I know you'll do wonderful, and you're growing right this second, too! You're learning about life, and how to appreciate it. That's what ED does, after we beat him. He reminds us that life is beautiful, and we are and always have been part of it. I wish you the best of luck, and you're so beautiful and strong, and a freakin amazing writer!
Alexandra
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