My monster lives inside my mind. It can't be seen, but it's there.
It yells, it screams, it roars.
It can be heard, as loud as thunder.
It can be felt, sharp like knives.
I can't see it, but it's there.
I have my own monster, and others have theirs.
Their monsters can be seen. Their monsters can be heard.
My monster, inside my head, feeds off other monsters.
My monster looks at their monsters. It sees, it hears, it learns.
My monster competes with their monsters.
My monster wants to be better than their monsters.
My monster is roaring. My monster is hurting.
I can feel my monster's jealousy.
It's a green eyed monster, yet so much more ferocious, so much more dangerous, so much more deadly.
I'm afraid of their monsters. I don't want to hear them, I don't want to see them. I don't want to learn from them. I want my monster to fade away, I want my monster to disappear for good.
I don't want my monster.
These monsters roam inside the minds of innocent people, wreaking havoc, causing chaos and catastrophes. These monsters seek and destroy the minds they inhabit, digging, biting, shredding to pieces the innocence and replacing them with their poison words, thoughts, feelings. We become the monster we create. We are the killer, but also the killed. The abuser, but also the victim. The innocent, but also the guilty.
* * *
Being surrounded by the monsters that the afflicted can't see but are in plain view to me, hurts. It hurts so much, because I can feel my own monster roaring with rage and panic. It's lashing and thrashing out, causing me to weaken. Being surrounded by bad influences makes it increasingly harder for me to see what is right.
I know that I am in here for me and no one else. I am in here, mainly because I put myself in here, but also because it's the safest option for me at the moment.
I'm just afraid of the negative effect these other girls are having on me.
I'm here voluntarily, whereas they are not. But that doesn't make it any easier.
* * *
I think I've almost been regretting coming in here. I've found it so much harder this time than I did last time. I want to go home, and I want to do it at home. I want to get better at home, where I am safe, where I am with my parents and those who love me.
I've been crying my eyes out every night on the phone to my Dad, who has been missing me like no tomorrow. It's been a battle I don't want to have to fight here, in a hospital. It's a battle I want to fight at home where I am comfortable and safe and loved.
This is so hard. I don't know what to do anymore, but I know I can't go out just yet.
Another week. And I'll evaluate the situation then.
But for now:
One day at a time.
8 comments:
Oh Elenaor be strong! I know how hard it can be being around girls that dont want to get better, it was a catastrophe when it happened to me...But your stronger than you can imagine & you have US. We are all here for you, hoping, wishing, praying, that you get better and can fight threw this. DONT listen to your monster or THEIRS. YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT THE MONSTER. Despite the lies it's telling you and their telling you. You are beautiful and deserve to be healthy & happy. NOBODY can be happy nor healthy with an eating disorder, just remember that. People like to think they can be happy with their ED but it is just complete and utter denial. I know this because I spent half my life doing it. I wish there was more that I could say to help you through this hard time. Just take it day by day, the storm will pass. (this is what I tell my self whenever my 'monster' is screaming so loud I can barely breathe or move)
Sending lots of love your way girlie <3
Dana xx
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
<3
Do not let the game of comparison which your monster loves above all kill you, Eleanor.
It is so easy for us to say, but words are all I have. My monster was unlucky, it had my mother to compare itself to. A strong, healthy woman. It struggled with pointing at her and find any good reasons for me to refuse food.
For you to be surrounded by people who are deeper down in a disorded hell, I can not imagine how difficult it must be.
Instead of writing a long rambling here as well, I just wanted to comment as a symbol of my love and support for you.
Oh Eleanor! I really feel for you...and I know it's hard to focus on you when you are around people who don't necessarily want to get better. Just because other peoples' monsters are in charge of them, doesn't mean yours has to control you. You are stronger than that, and so brave, much braver for the fact that you have chosen to go there and embrace recovery.
Someone once told me when I first went to treatment, to just keep my head down, don't watch other people's habits, and focus on myself. It was really good advice.
Those other people, they deserve pity...they think that ED is everything in life, and those thoughts only lead to a life not worth living and then eventually death. You know that there is much more to life than that, and I am confident that you can ride out this storm and see recovery through to the very end :-)
Thinking of you and sending hugs
Sarah x
Hang in there, you are so strong <3 You'll get through this.
Oh Eleanor!
Let me just start by saying that I am in love with this introduction. I am not however, in love with the feelings that drove you to write it.
I am no sorry that you are starting to feel the pressures of being surrounding by different girls and different 'monsters'. I can only imagine the impact that it would have on me.
I don't have much advice except to try and think about how much this situation has improved your midset. You WANT to be gaining weight.. just at home. You WANT to be getting better.. just at home where the people around you are supportive and loving.
Maybe sometimes hospitalization can help in other ways... for instance to show us what we really want, and what we really need to do in order to get better. Maybe this experience is supposed to teach you that you CAN do this on your own. Maybe :)
I do want to say that I am so proud of you for sticking it out another week until you reevaluate the situation. It would be so easy to just call it quits... but you aren't and that takes so much strength.
I love you so much, and even though you're having a rough time.. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't sleeping better knowing that you are in good hands.
<3 Tat
Ps. Sorry for such a long comment!
Eleanor,
This is such an emotional post. So deep, so well written. During that introduction I was honestly able to relate to each and every word.
I'm feeling for you. It must be so hard to deal with yourself when there's so many other girls with the same problem around you. But from what I've seen, you're a very brave and strong individual. You must be proud of yourself for doing this voluntarily. Very few people have the courage to do that.
Here's hoping one more week is all you will need. Do this for yourself, for your future, and for your loved ones.
Paola <3
Eleanor,
This is such an emotional post. So deep, so well written. During that introduction I was honestly able to relate to each and every word.
I'm feeling for you. It must be so hard to deal with yourself when there's so many other girls with the same problem around you. But from what I've seen, you're a very brave and strong individual. You must be proud of yourself for doing this voluntarily. Very few people have the courage to do that.
Here's hoping one more week is all you will need. Do this for yourself, for your future, and for your loved ones.
Paola <3
Hi Eleanor,
I am so sorry to hear that you are in anguish. While I don't know exactly what you're going through, I can tell you that my time in inpatient care was so frustrating. After being in control of foods that I avoided for so long, it was so angering to force myself to eat those foods. It almost feels like failure even though you know that it's what you need to do. The emotions that you are experiencing are many and they are confusing.
Please know that no matter how lonely and unfamiliar that place is, there is an entire population of ED's victims who have your back completely. I'm glad that you use your blog to reach out because I know that bloggers like me are here to support you. Even though I don't know you, I will be thinking about you and sending you my strength when you are feeling weak. You can do this! Take advantage of everything that your treatment has to offer because it makes you stronger for when you are back at home.
I am new to the blogging community, but I will definitely be following your journey and supporting you 100%. I am proud of you.
-Emily
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